Been having a lot of trouble recently trying to come to terms with the role that my family and upbringing have played in the various neuroses kicking my ass to this day and it's unbelievable how much sense things start to make once you actually think about them......
For example I find it fucking hilarious that it took me so long to realize how stifled I feel by the pressure to establish myself as a worthwhile member of the family by spending time with them constantly because I feel that privacy is a shameful, selfish, and sinful thing to desire and hate myself for passing up any opportunity to prove I'm a good person by forgoing it, when literally every single time I have been on a bus in my life I've experienced a soaring sense of transcendental joy at the thought that not a single person in the world knew exactly where I was while I was traveling??? Like it feels like the idea that you're completely alone and disconnected from the rest of the world and no one will be there to help you if something goes wrong is probably a nightmare for most normal people so the fact that I feel a sense of literal religious ecstacy at the mere thought of not having my location monitored is PROBABLY A SIGN THAT THESE ISSUES OF MINE SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS TO ME WAY EARLIER???? LMFAO