Bio-Hazards @bio-hazards - Tumblr Blog

"Funereal directors of rocking doom, ______ have committed their first undead body to the earth. Kicking up new dirt in the old graveyard, with a warm vintage sound that's as fresh as it is genuine. Dragging along truckloads of smoking riffs and coffins of classic, doom-laden heavy rock and roll, these young stalwarts of psychrock have the real magic of a future classic."

Papa Impervious: I wish I could somehow bring this paragraph to life so I could beat it to death with a crowbar and laugh at its cries.

#badbandbios

Papa Impervious: We ride at night, we bring the war on Heaven's door, we know fuck all about fonts. Electric Spinderella: Serifs ist Kreig!

#badbandphotos metal horses

"The lyrics are references to delusion, love, tragedy, anger and anything a human being can possibly experience throughout life"

Papa Impervious: "Anything a human can possibly experience through life." So this album is, what, 400 000 minutes long?

Electric Spinderella: So, will there be a song about being hangry?

Papa Impervious: "This next one's about having a rash."

#badbandbios

Electric Spinderella: I present to you the Juggalo of album covers.

Papa Impervious: They poured Faygo in the ink for sure!

#badalbumcovers

Electric Spinderella: Okay, I realize Rommel wasn't, like, a super bad nazi or whatever, but naming an album after him is still probably a terrible idea. Also that dude in the back is wearing a wig. Papa Impervious: Calling it The Rommel Chronicles suggests some a teen book series, like The Babysitters Club, but for fascists.

Charlie Angel: Well, at least three of them joined because they thought they were auditioning for the Chronicles of Riddick.

#badbandphotos #metal

"Nun aber zu den musikalischen _________ welche allesamt unter der Flagge des Gothic Rock den einen oder anderen Fan begeistern dürften."

Charlie Angel: How to prove you are the finest gothic rock? Write your press releases in German.

#badbandbios #gothicrock #uber

Electric Spinderella: Hoo boy, this cover image is the band equivalent of when people get like floating versions of their faces superimposed on an already-awkward Sears portrait. Papa Impervious: You know that artist does those idiotic dead rock star pencil drawing montages and sells them at the local fair. "Oh look, It's Jimi, Janis, Jim and Kurt hanging out in heaven -- awesome!"

#badalbumart

"Realizing that there is nothing left for us in the cities that saw us change from resident to visitor, we wanted to make an EP that could expresses that mindset, sonically."

Papa Impervious: This is sort of like an old Scooby Doo episode, except instead of being a "ghost" unmasked to reveal an old lighthouse keeper, it's a "metal" record unmasked to reveal an emo album.

#bandbios

Charlie Angel: OK, Enough with bands choosing names now based on what is best for Googling. Why be Pagans when you can be Pagiins!

Electric Spinderella: I applaud their decision to resurrect the hippie art form of eating crayons and them vomiting as a form of album cover design.

“THE GENE HOGLAN EXPERIENCE” is a phrase that you will undoubtedly be hearing often within the coming months. GENE HOGLAN is currently planning a series of these appearances to take place this fall, where he will tell stories and play some of your favorite songs from your favorite bands that he has performed with over the years. In summary, “THE GENE HOGLAN EXPERIENCE” is an intimate gathering of metal fans brought together to celebrate the legacy and 30 year career of one of metal’s most legendary drummers. YOU get to meet GENE HOGLAN and have access to his exclusive merchandise from Gene himself. YOU get to ask GENE HOGLAN anything you want! For more information on GENE HOGLAN, visit http://www.hoglanindustries.com/

Papa Impervious: Hopefully this isn't the Gene Hoglan Experience that involves Rohypnol... Of course, if you play a drinking game where you do a shot every time this press release says "Gene Hoglan," it will have the same effect. Lastly, I had to Google Gene Hoglan to see who he is. Good work, press release.

Electric Spinderella: Can we please talk about Gene Hoglan's coke thumbnail?

"Meticulously balancing the cacophonic propulsive time signatures of Black Metal with armospheric moods to create a memorable, yer malefic statement of brutality."

Electric Spinderella: First, spellcheck. Second, you just picked a bunch of words, didn't you?

Papa Impervious: I suspect they've got some sort of black bible version of a thesaurus.

Charlie Angel: I like to think of it as more like a Magic 8 ball of metal. And when you ask the question "does this press release need more adjectives?" the answer is always yes.

Papa Impervious: It's like the internets is hazzing a dream.

"New songs and a clear commitment to the only valid currency of Rock'n'Roll: songs ..... ______ are the perfect travel agent. Probably the most courageous song is "____". It has more mainstream appeal AND depth at the same time like _____ has never done before! A song to sing along to if you dont choke on the words."

Papa Impervious: Even by press release nonsense bullshit standards, this is nonsense bullshit. It's so hard to not respond to these with a "Hi, can you please send me the English language version of this? Thanks."

"______ is a timeless band."

Papa Impervious: Nope, I'd say they're a very specifically timed band judging by that photo, and that time is 1973.

Electric Spinderella: Just look at these guys. LOOK AT THEM.

Papa Impervious: This is why we can't have skate parks.

Electric Spinderella: There is seriously a guitar player in this band called Kerrod Dablestein. Charlie Angel: Apparently, their album "combines the best of old school power metal and metalcore." Somewhere, some power metal guy is crying and playing a sad guitar solo about this.

"How's it going? I'd like introduce you to this laid back, trop rocker _____"

Charlie Angel: It's official. "Tropical rocker" (or "trop rock" for short, apparently) the most nightmare genre I've never heard of.

Electric Spinderella: It's no aquacrunk. Papa Impervious: Also can't hold a mast to ship-hop. Love those pirate booty lyrics and plank-walkin' beats.

Papa Impervious: A shot from the first (and last) band camping weekend. "Seriously, none of you brought any gear?"

Electric Spinderella: That guy in the corduroy jacket is so pissed. "No, you can't use it to make a tent!"

Papa Impervious: The guy with the hoodie is feeling pretty smug, though. He's got half a bag of Twizzlers in the pocket.

Charlie Angel: This photo screams "We were promised naked witches."

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Bio-Hazards