Help me hold onto you...

private selective Jemma Simmons | written by Julia |

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

Fitz watched her as she seemed to start breaking down. She ran her hand over her face, and he could hear the tears in her voice. He wanted to reach out, wanted to wipe away her tears, hold her in his arms and try to comfort her.

“Nnn… next,” he started to say, clearing his throat and trying to stop that rasping sound every time he spoke. “One… ste… step… time,” he mumbled, his voice breaking.

His hand shook, his fingers brushing against her knuckles, trying to bring her some comfort. “I’m n-not go… goin’… anywhere, okay? But you… ta-take ca… care of… you t-too, yeah? Puh… promise… promise me?”

It was selfish and childish but she didn’t want one step at a time. She wanted things to go back to the way they were, to not have to suffer through a recovery period. They’d had their trials and tribulations before, and neither of them were without their fair share of problems, but this felt insurmountable.

“I promise,” she agreed, her voice weak. “I am, really, I’m just… it’s going to take more than an hour for my brain to really understand that you’re awake again.” Nine days had been a long time. In nine days, Fitz’s coma had become her new normal. She’d started to come to terms with knowing that she might never get to hear his voice again. She’d even imagined what if might be like if he never left the hospital. She’d tried to build up her walls so that if he left, she wouldn’t come crashing down. It was going to take some time to tear them down again, brick by brick.

“I think… think I’m still trying to understand it, too,” he murmured, lifting one shoulder to a shrug, the action slight and hardly noticeable. “Feels… fuzzy… ev-everythin’… feels… fuzzy…”

His thumb moved over her knuckles slowly, stopping at her ring and brushing over the diamond nestled there. “I… heard your voice,” he said, his own voice low. “Sometimes… s’like y’were… ca-call… callin’ me… or like… like w-we were… opposite sigh… sides of… thick wall, jus’… try-tryin’ t’talk t’each other…”

[biochemiist]

It was nice, what he was doing, or it was meant to be, but it didn’t land that way. She didn’t want to talk about this, about any of it, about any of the time that he hadn’t been awake. The sooner she could forget about it the better off they’d be. But it would be rude to tell him that and ruder still not to realize that he was just trying to help, so she hummed quietly to show she’d heard him and leaned back in her chair as she listened.

Exhaustion was in every inch of her body and it felt like it might never leave, like it was a part of her now. This was who she was, now, tired and overwhelmed. Fitz didn’t deserve that. He deserved someone who could be strong for him, but it was hard to be strong when you felt as thin as paper.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

The kiss to his cheek spread warmth through his veins, and he reached up, his palm brushing against her cheek in response. There was a redness to her cheeks as well, a faint blush painting her features.

His other hand hovered over his tablet, over the little buttons waiting to be pressed, to say something, but he didn’t. His fingers twitched, and his eyes met hers, searching the deep hazel hues looking back at him.

Fitz’s lips parted, mouth open to say something, anything, to actually voice the words, but he faltered at the last moment, one palm still on her cheek. His fingers tapped on the screen, his eyes hardly leaving hers longer than a millisecond.

“Is it too formal to ask to kiss you properly?”

She supposed that was the answer to her question. She blushed again, not used to formalities when it came to kissing, but nodded, then shook her head, and finally sighed. This was going nowhere. “I mean… yes, you can kiss me, Fitz.”

She stayed exactly where she was, down at his level, his hand warm on her cheek. It wasn’t shaking, she noticed, but she didn’t know when it had stopped. It was sweet that he’d asked to kiss her, sweet that he was looking at her like she’d hung the stars in the sky specifically for him. Daisy had been right: she really liked him. She really, really liked him. It didn’t make much sense on paper, a scientist and a piano player, but it made sense in her head.

Her blush only grew deeper, and he was sure his did, too. His palm stayed on her cheek, his fingers brushing gently at a stray lock of hair that had fallen down past her eyes. He took a breath, leaning in to kiss her, slowly, gently, a tenderness to his every move.

Fitz was sure that, in that moment, he could’ve stood from his wheelchair and run around the world. He felt like he was floating, like he was flying a million miles above earth. He didn’t want this kiss to ever end, not if he could help it.

But they had to breathe at some point, and he pulled back, his ears burning red and his eyes like dinner plates, wider than they’d ever been around her. He was certain she could hear his heartbeat, thumping against his ribs as fast as a runaway train.

[biochemiist]

Jemma didn’t do this. She wasn’t the kind of person who went on enough dates to get to this point, to get to kissing or properly admitting feelings, but things were different with Fitz. They had been since the moment they’d met.

When he pulled away she smiled at him. “Y’know, I think I might just like you.”

It was a lame joke, but she was hoping she could get the shocked look off of his face. It was just a kiss. He was as entitled to those as anyone else.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

Fitz frowned when she apologized, when she looked away from him and wouldn’t meet his gaze. Carefully, uneasily, he squeezed her hand, trying to get her attention. He let his thumb brush slowly over her knuckles, stopping at the ring he’d given her only a few weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime.

He opened his mouth, trying his best to form the words he wanted. “Cah… can…” He grimaced, his voice hoarse. “Tell mm… me truh… troo… truth.” It took a moment for the words to come out, and he felt breathless by the time he’d managed the broken sentence.

He let his eyes close for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts before he spoke once more. “I… und… under… stand. I-it’s… nn… nuh… not… easy.”

The truth. She hadn’t been lying, per se. It had been a long couple of weeks. But there wasn’t any way to tell him all the fears in her mind without simply pouring them out like a waterfall, and that wouldn’t have done either of them any good.

“It’s not easy,” she echoed. “I don’t know… what to say other than that.” She rubbed a hand over her face again, wishing she knew how to navigate the waters in front of them. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know what’s next, and I… don’t like not knowing what’s next.”

Fitz watched her as she seemed to start breaking down. She ran her hand over her face, and he could hear the tears in her voice. He wanted to reach out, wanted to wipe away her tears, hold her in his arms and try to comfort her.

“Nnn… next,” he started to say, clearing his throat and trying to stop that rasping sound every time he spoke. “One… ste… step… time,” he mumbled, his voice breaking.

His hand shook, his fingers brushing against her knuckles, trying to bring her some comfort. “I’m n-not go… goin’… anywhere, okay? But you… ta-take ca… care of… you t-too, yeah? Puh… promise… promise me?”

[biochemiist]

It was selfish and childish but she didn’t want one step at a time. She wanted things to go back to the way they were, to not have to suffer through a recovery period. They’d had their trials and tribulations before, and neither of them were without their fair share of problems, but this felt insurmountable.

“I promise,” she agreed, her voice weak. “I am, really, I’m just… it’s going to take more than an hour for my brain to really understand that you’re awake again.” Nine days had been a long time. In nine days, Fitz’s coma had become her new normal. She’d started to come to terms with knowing that she might never get to hear his voice again. She’d even imagined what if might be like if he never left the hospital. She’d tried to build up her walls so that if he left, she wouldn’t come crashing down. It was going to take some time to tear them down again, brick by brick.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

His stomach turned to butterflies when she spoke, and he could feel the blush spreading up his neck, his ears turning red. “I’m glad you feel that way around me,” he wrote. “Lots of people feel like they have to pretend when they see me, that what they feel is outweighed, but you’re so different and wonderful.”

His eyes drifted for a moment, then went back to his tablet, typing carefully. “I’m really glad you showed up at the bar and asked me to play your favorite song that night.”

He moved one hand, reaching for hers and taking it carefully in his own, giving it a tiny tug to pull her closer, pressing his lips to her knuckles softly in a light kiss.

Fitz was cute when he blushed. She was sure she was blushing now, too. Had anyone ever called her wonderful before? She couldn’t remember an instance of it.

She waited patiently as he typed, glancing into the telescope once more for another look and pulling away when the voice began to read for him. It was unclear what had led her to the bar that night, or to request a song, which she didn’t normally do. Maybe it had been fate or kismet or any other synonym. Maybe it had been pure luck. Either way, she was glad it had happened.

“Me too.”

She watched as he pulled her hand up to kiss the back of it, smiling softly as he did. She wanted to kiss him properly, but could she? Would he even like that? She settled for bending down to press a kiss to his cheek, a happy middle ground.

The kiss to his cheek spread warmth through his veins, and he reached up, his palm brushing against her cheek in response. There was a redness to her cheeks as well, a faint blush painting her features.

His other hand hovered over his tablet, over the little buttons waiting to be pressed, to say something, but he didn’t. His fingers twitched, and his eyes met hers, searching the deep hazel hues looking back at him.

Fitz’s lips parted, mouth open to say something, anything, to actually voice the words, but he faltered at the last moment, one palm still on her cheek. His fingers tapped on the screen, his eyes hardly leaving hers longer than a millisecond.

“Is it too formal to ask to kiss you properly?”

[biochemiist]

She supposed that was the answer to her question. She blushed again, not used to formalities when it came to kissing, but nodded, then shook her head, and finally sighed. This was going nowhere. “I mean… yes, you can kiss me, Fitz.”

She stayed exactly where she was, down at his level, his hand warm on her cheek. It wasn’t shaking, she noticed, but she didn’t know when it had stopped. It was sweet that he’d asked to kiss her, sweet that he was looking at her like she’d hung the stars in the sky specifically for him. Daisy had been right: she really liked him. She really, really liked him. It didn’t make much sense on paper, a scientist and a piano player, but it made sense in her head.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

He grinned. “I’m lighter than I look and all it really took was a thump on the back and I stopped choking on the lettuce,” he wrote, before the conversation changed, before she responded in kind with a blush on her cheeks.

Well, I… I really like you, too.

“I didn’t want to be too forward,” he wrote, slower now. “But I’ve been wanting to say that all night.” There was a hesitation in his hands, how they hovered over the screen. “You didn’t know me before… but you see past everything. The chair, the tablet. You’re the first person to see me in a long time. I really like you, and I…” His jaw shifted, again, the same as he’d been doing all night, and he huffed, fingers tapping at the screen once more.

“Thank you, for seeing me. It means a lot, and I really love spending time with you, Jemma.”

She rolled her eyes as he teased her. Truthfully, it still scared her to think about the museum incident. She tried not to if she could help it, because it always made her remember how terrified she’d been.

“Funny,” she said quietly. “I feel the same about you. I know I don’t have a chair to see past, or anything, but… I don’t know. I feel like I can be myself around you. I don’t feel that way about most people.”

He was sweet, she thought. She didn’t know exactly where this would end up, but she did know that however it went, she and Fitz were likely to remain friends.

“I love spending time with you, too.”

His stomach turned to butterflies when she spoke, and he could feel the blush spreading up his neck, his ears turning red. “I’m glad you feel that way around me,” he wrote. “Lots of people feel like they have to pretend when they see me, that what they feel is outweighed, but you’re so different and wonderful.”

His eyes drifted for a moment, then went back to his tablet, typing carefully. “I’m really glad you showed up at the bar and asked me to play your favorite song that night.”

He moved one hand, reaching for hers and taking it carefully in his own, giving it a tiny tug to pull her closer, pressing his lips to her knuckles softly in a light kiss.

[biochemiist]

Fitz was cute when he blushed. She was sure she was blushing now, too. Had anyone ever called her wonderful before? She couldn’t remember an instance of it.

She waited patiently as he typed, glancing into the telescope once more for another look and pulling away when the voice began to read for him. It was unclear what had led her to the bar that night, or to request a song, which she didn’t normally do. Maybe it had been fate or kismet or any other synonym. Maybe it had been pure luck. Either way, she was glad it had happened.

“Me too.”

She watched as he pulled her hand up to kiss the back of it, smiling softly as he did. She wanted to kiss him properly, but could she? Would he even like that? She settled for bending down to press a kiss to his cheek, a happy middle ground.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

FItz gave her a tiny nod as she squeezed his hand, promising she’d be back in just a moment. A tired smile curled up on his lips as he watched her go, disappearing behind the bathroom door in the corner of the hospital room. The others were talking, a conversation he wasn’t really following, and before he could think of how much time might have passed, Jemma was back again, her hand held out to him.

“I c-could… w-wo… work… at a zoo,” he mumbled, his fingers brushing over her knuckles. His smile grew a tiny bit. “Wi-with… monkeys. Be a… monkey feed… feeder… person…”

“I could see it,” Daisy mused, offering a little smile in return. She put her hand back on Jemma’s shoulder, giving it another squeeze. “Hey, Daniel and I are gonna go back to his room, but you know we’ll come back if you need anything, okay? I’m serious.”

No. No, Daisy couldn’t leave. If Daisy left, Fitz would know how fragile she was. She tried to catch Daisy’s eyes but it didn’t work. She wouldn’t say it out loud, either, so it seemed they were stuck. She nodded, watching as their friends left until finally it was just the two of them.

This was terrifying. She hated every moment of this, every single one. Finally she sighed, reaching up a hand to rub her face. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, her eyes averted. “It’s just been a long couple of weeks.” There, that was perfectly diplomatic, wasn’t it?

Fitz frowned when she apologized, when she looked away from him and wouldn’t meet his gaze. Carefully, uneasily, he squeezed her hand, trying to get her attention. He let his thumb brush slowly over her knuckles, stopping at the ring he’d given her only a few weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime.

He opened his mouth, trying his best to form the words he wanted. “Cah… can…” He grimaced, his voice hoarse. “Tell mm… me truh… troo… truth.” It took a moment for the words to come out, and he felt breathless by the time he’d managed the broken sentence.

He let his eyes close for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts before he spoke once more. “I… und… under… stand. I-it’s… nn… nuh… not… easy.”

[biochemiist]

The truth. She hadn’t been lying, per se. It had been a long couple of weeks. But there wasn’t any way to tell him all the fears in her mind without simply pouring them out like a waterfall, and that wouldn’t have done either of them any good.

“It’s not easy,” she echoed. “I don’t know… what to say other than that.” She rubbed a hand over her face again, wishing she knew how to navigate the waters in front of them. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know what’s next, and I… don’t like not knowing what’s next.”

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

“Retired?” Trip repeated, wanting to be sure he’d heard his friend correctly before he nodded, patting his hand on his ankle. “Well, then, it was an honor fighting fires with you, man. Enjoy your retirement. Maybe take up golf or something mellow. Maybe stamp collecting, let us have all the action.”

Fitz cracked a weak smile at that, nodding just slightly. He closed his eyes for a second, his mouth moving a little to make sure he knew what he wanted to say before he tried to say it.

“Ret… tired,” he echoed again, letting out a heavy breath. “Mm… maybe w-wor… work… zoo…”

Retired. Huh. It didn’t fix everything, it didn’t stop her from worrying that she might suddenly lose Fitz again or that the floor would fall out from under her feet, but it was an interesting proposition. Trip seemed to be much more put together than she was and she was happy to let him take the reins.

Holding Fitz’s hand had been hard, but pretending she wasn’t upset was even harder. It ached to watch him struggle, to watch him trip over his words and pause before he’d even gotten to the end of one. She wanted to rewind. She wanted to find a remote and press all the damn buttons until she could find a way to blink her eyes and have things be the way they were before.

“Hey,” she said, squeezing Fitz’s hand once. “I’ll be right back, okay? I just need to use the restroom. Two seconds, I swear.” She squeezed his hand again and tried to smile reassuringly, standing and excusing herself to the restroom.

It wasn’t a total lie. She did need to use the restroom. She also needed to take a second to make the room stop spinning. She splashed some water on her face, reaching for some paper towels to dry it off before she studied herself in the mirror. She looked exhausted, but there was nothing she could do about that immediately. She let herself take a few deep breaths before exiting, taking her seat beside Fitz and offering up her hand again.

FItz gave her a tiny nod as she squeezed his hand, promising she’d be back in just a moment. A tired smile curled up on his lips as he watched her go, disappearing behind the bathroom door in the corner of the hospital room. The others were talking, a conversation he wasn’t really following, and before he could think of how much time might have passed, Jemma was back again, her hand held out to him.

“I c-could… w-wo… work… at a zoo,” he mumbled, his fingers brushing over her knuckles. His smile grew a tiny bit. “Wi-with… monkeys. Be a… monkey feed… feeder… person…”

“I could see it,” Daisy mused, offering a little smile in return. She put her hand back on Jemma’s shoulder, giving it another squeeze. “Hey, Daniel and I are gonna go back to his room, but you know we’ll come back if you need anything, okay? I’m serious.”

[biochemiist]

No. No, Daisy couldn’t leave. If Daisy left, Fitz would know how fragile she was. She tried to catch Daisy’s eyes but it didn’t work. She wouldn’t say it out loud, either, so it seemed they were stuck. She nodded, watching as their friends left until finally it was just the two of them.

This was terrifying. She hated every moment of this, every single one. Finally she sighed, reaching up a hand to rub her face. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, her eyes averted. “It’s just been a long couple of weeks.” There, that was perfectly diplomatic, wasn’t it?

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

She stepped back again from the telescope, the pair of them taking turns looking up at the stars, different constellations he pointed out and described on his tablet. 

When she spoke next, mentioning how much she liked the date, he grinned. “I’m glad,” he tapped onto the tablet. “I was worried that having the whole place to ourselves would be intimidating or terrifying and you would start running for the hills.”

He inched back, winking at her. “I.” He hesitated, his hand hovering over the screen of the tablet before he started to type again. “I really like you.”

“Oh, it’s terribly intimidating,” she admitted. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m intimidated as hell. I mean, what if you have another incident like the museum and it really is just me? You’d die, Fitz. We both know that. I’m not that kind of doctor.” She was teasing of course, a grin on her face to prove it.

She’d been unsure what to say next when suddenly Fitz spoke for her. “Yeah?” She asked, a slight blush on her cheeks. “Well, I… I really like you, too.”

He grinned. “I’m lighter than I look and all it really took was a thump on the back and I stopped choking on the lettuce,” he wrote, before the conversation changed, before she responded in kind with a blush on her cheeks.

Well, I… I really like you, too.

“I didn’t want to be too forward,” he wrote, slower now. “But I’ve been wanting to say that all night.” There was a hesitation in his hands, how they hovered over the screen. “You didn’t know me before… but you see past everything. The chair, the tablet. You’re the first person to see me in a long time. I really like you, and I…” His jaw shifted, again, the same as he’d been doing all night, and he huffed, fingers tapping at the screen once more.

“Thank you, for seeing me. It means a lot, and I really love spending time with you, Jemma.”

[biochemiist]

She rolled her eyes as he teased her. Truthfully, it still scared her to think about the museum incident. She tried not to if she could help it, because it always made her remember how terrified she’d been.

“Funny,” she said quietly. “I feel the same about you. I know I don’t have a chair to see past, or anything, but… I don’t know. I feel like I can be myself around you. I don’t feel that way about most people.”

He was sweet, she thought. She didn’t know exactly where this would end up, but she did know that however it went, she and Fitz were likely to remain friends.

“I love spending time with you, too.”

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

“It should be the constellation Serpens,” he tapped onto his tablet, giving her a smile. “More specifically, there’s a triple-star system there called Theta Serpentis that it should be focused on. The biggest star you’re seeing is called Alya.”

He moved just a tiny bit closer, closing one eye as he looked into the telescope, making sure he knew what she was seeing. “That’s Alya,” he said when he pulled back, tapping into the tablet, his mouth moving a little as the automated voice said the word, like he was trying to remind himself how to say it.

She repeated the names once, trying to memorize them. She leaned in when he moved the telescope, aiming at a new constellation. “It’s gorgeous,” she said softly. “I’ve always loved the stars, ever since I was a kid. I, uh… had scoliosis when I was little. My dad used to take my bed outside on clear nights so I could see the stars. Kept me from being so bored. It’s part of what got me interested in science.”

She leaned back again, gesturing for Fitz to take his turn. “You know, I like this date. I like how low key it is. Just us. No dinner to stress about or-or other people to impress. It’s nice.”

She stepped back again from the telescope, the pair of them taking turns looking up at the stars, different constellations he pointed out and described on his tablet. 

When she spoke next, mentioning how much she liked the date, he grinned. “I’m glad,” he tapped onto the tablet. “I was worried that having the whole place to ourselves would be intimidating or terrifying and you would start running for the hills.”

He inched back, winking at her. “I.” He hesitated, his hand hovering over the screen of the tablet before he started to type again. “I really like you.”

[biochemiist]

“Oh, it’s terribly intimidating,” she admitted. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m intimidated as hell. I mean, what if you have another incident like the museum and it really is just me? You’d die, Fitz. We both know that. I’m not that kind of doctor.” She was teasing of course, a grin on her face to prove it.

She’d been unsure what to say next when suddenly Fitz spoke for her. “Yeah?” She asked, a slight blush on her cheeks. “Well, I… I really like you, too.”

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

“Work is boring lately, honestly,” Trip said, sitting down on the edge of Fitz’s bed. “Without you three around,” he said, looking to Sousa, then to Fitz, then Jemma, a little smile on his lips. “Think they’re saving all the action for when you guys get back.”

“Nn-no,” Fitz sputtered, shaking his head. His eyes crossed a little, his lips pursed as he tried to form the words he wanted. “Uh… I… ret… ret… written… re…” He coughed once to clear his throat, and Trip put his hand on his leg.

“Take your time, man, no rush, alright?” he said.

Fitz sputtered again on his words. “Retire,” he said slowly, the words slurred and uneasy. His eyes rolled a little, looking around the room blearily. “Gon… be… be retired… nnn-no more wo-work.”

Jemma froze. Retired? Fitz wanted to retire? She wouldn’t lie — it made her feel more comfortable to think about Fitz finding a line of work that didn’t put him directly in the line of fire (literally). He wasn’t clearheaded enough to talk about it, so she filed the information away for a later time, when he had his wits about him.

“You can keep the action,” she huffed. “I’m happy leaving it to you for a while.” She was going to need time to herself after this, she was sure of it. Time off of work and maybe even therapy after seeing Fitz like this.

“Retired?” Trip repeated, wanting to be sure he’d heard his friend correctly before he nodded, patting his hand on his ankle. “Well, then, it was an honor fighting fires with you, man. Enjoy your retirement. Maybe take up golf or something mellow. Maybe stamp collecting, let us have all the action.”

Fitz cracked a weak smile at that, nodding just slightly. He closed his eyes for a second, his mouth moving a little to make sure he knew what he wanted to say before he tried to say it.

“Ret… tired,” he echoed again, letting out a heavy breath. “Mm… maybe w-wor… work… zoo…”

[biochemiist]

Retired. Huh. It didn’t fix everything, it didn’t stop her from worrying that she might suddenly lose Fitz again or that the floor would fall out from under her feet, but it was an interesting proposition. Trip seemed to be much more put together than she was and she was happy to let him take the reins.

Holding Fitz’s hand had been hard, but pretending she wasn’t upset was even harder. It ached to watch him struggle, to watch him trip over his words and pause before he’d even gotten to the end of one. She wanted to rewind. She wanted to find a remote and press all the damn buttons until she could find a way to blink her eyes and have things be the way they were before.

“Hey,” she said, squeezing Fitz’s hand once. “I’ll be right back, okay? I just need to use the restroom. Two seconds, I swear.” She squeezed his hand again and tried to smile reassuringly, standing and excusing herself to the restroom.

It wasn’t a total lie. She did need to use the restroom. She also needed to take a second to make the room stop spinning. She splashed some water on her face, reaching for some paper towels to dry it off before she studied herself in the mirror. She looked exhausted, but there was nothing she could do about that immediately. She let herself take a few deep breaths before exiting, taking her seat beside Fitz and offering up her hand again.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

Daisy could see the way Jemma tensed at the sight of the food, and she moved to put a hand on her shoulder again, giving a little nod towards the door to ask, quietly, if she felt like she needed to leave, if it was all too much for her.

Trip seemed to catch on, too, a little frown on his lips. “Whaddya need, girl?” he asked quietly, hardly more than a whisper, quieter than Fitz would be able to hear. “What can we do?”

It was kind of her friends to ask, but she didn’t know what she needed. She didn’t know what would make this better. “I’m okay,” she whispered with a shrug. It was a lie, but the truth was harder because there was no way to fix it. “Just stay.”

If her friends could stay, maybe she wouldn’t feel so out of her depth. If something happened to Fitz she wouldn’t be alone. If something happened, they’d hold her together until Fitz came back to pick up the pieces. She could be strong if they were there to support her — or, she thought she could be.

“What, um… what did you get up to during shift today?” She asked, changing my the subject in the hopes that they’d allow her to move on.

“Work is boring lately, honestly,” Trip said, sitting down on the edge of Fitz’s bed. “Without you three around,” he said, looking to Sousa, then to Fitz, then Jemma, a little smile on his lips. “Think they’re saving all the action for when you guys get back.”

“Nn-no,” Fitz sputtered, shaking his head. His eyes crossed a little, his lips pursed as he tried to form the words he wanted. “Uh… I… ret… ret… written… re…” He coughed once to clear his throat, and Trip put his hand on his leg.

“Take your time, man, no rush, alright?” he said.

Fitz sputtered again on his words. “Retire,” he said slowly, the words slurred and uneasy. His eyes rolled a little, looking around the room blearily. “Gon… be… be retired… nnn-no more wo-work.”

[biochemiist]

Jemma froze. Retired? Fitz wanted to retire? She wouldn’t lie — it made her feel more comfortable to think about Fitz finding a line of work that didn’t put him directly in the line of fire (literally). He wasn’t clearheaded enough to talk about it, so she filed the information away for a later time, when he had his wits about him.

“You can keep the action,” she huffed. “I’m happy leaving it to you for a while.” She was going to need time to herself after this, she was sure of it. Time off of work and maybe even therapy after seeing Fitz like this.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

He opened his mouth again, but she tugged his hand before he could try again to speak. Instead, he just nodded, moving to make sure his tablet was tucked into the little pocket of his wheelchair, going to wheel himself forwards with a nod of his head.

He let her lead the way, moving outside to where the telescope was, already set up and aimed at the stars. “Ladies first,” he tapped onto the tablet once they were settled in front of it, leaning over to lock the wheels of his chair.

She leaned in to press her eye to the telescope, fumbling with the dial on the side until the stars came into focus. They were beautiful, vibrant dots of white and brilliant blue against the black sky, so many she could hardly count them. “I know these are stars,” she said when she pulled back. “But which stars am I looking at?”

Fitz had picked the location so she had to imagine that he had some knowledge of the universe and stars. She stepped back from the telescope so Fitz could look, watching as he pressed his eye up against the viewfinder. It still baffled her that her managed to clear out the planetarium for them. It was a sweet gesture, one so grand she didn’t quite know how to reciprocate. She had all evening to figure it out.

“It should be the constellation Serpens,” he tapped onto his tablet, giving her a smile. “More specifically, there’s a triple-star system there called Theta Serpentis that it should be focused on. The biggest star you’re seeing is called Alya.”

He moved just a tiny bit closer, closing one eye as he looked into the telescope, making sure he knew what she was seeing. “That’s Alya,” he said when he pulled back, tapping into the tablet, his mouth moving a little as the automated voice said the word, like he was trying to remind himself how to say it.

[biochemiist]

She repeated the names once, trying to memorize them. She leaned in when he moved the telescope, aiming at a new constellation. “It’s gorgeous,” she said softly. “I’ve always loved the stars, ever since I was a kid. I, uh… had scoliosis when I was little. My dad used to take my bed outside on clear nights so I could see the stars. Kept me from being so bored. It’s part of what got me interested in science.”

She leaned back again, gesturing for Fitz to take his turn. “You know, I like this date. I like how low key it is. Just us. No dinner to stress about or-or other people to impress. It’s nice.”

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

Fitz couldn’t help but watch her, watch the stars as they reflected in her eyes or the way she smiled up at the lightshow. When the lights came back on, his eyes were still on her, and he couldn’t tear them away.

She asked what they were to do next, and he shook his head for just a split second, reaching for the tablet. “Telescope outside, see the stars for real, not just in a lightshow.”

As soon as the words were out, he nodded his head towards the doors she’d glanced at, but he caught her hand before she could stand up, giving it another stronger squeeze. He wanted to say something. Wanted to say that he liked her, a lot, that he got butterflies in his chest whenever he met her eyes. Again, though, his mouth just opened and closed dumbly, hardly a sound passing his parted lips.

Ah, the telescope. She’d only made it to the observatory once before but she remembered the telescope fondly. Somehow, she’d managed to come at a time when it hadn’t been in use. She’d spent ages there exploring the stars by herself, trying to become better acquainted with the stars above her new home.

She stood to go, pausing when Fitz caught her hand and turning her gaze back to him. He looked like he was going to say something, but that would’ve been ridiculous. She tugged on his hand gently.

“Come on,” she urged. “I was promised stars, Fitz. You aren’t going to make me wait, are you?”

He opened his mouth again, but she tugged his hand before he could try again to speak. Instead, he just nodded, moving to make sure his tablet was tucked into the little pocket of his wheelchair, going to wheel himself forwards with a nod of his head.

He let her lead the way, moving outside to where the telescope was, already set up and aimed at the stars. “Ladies first,” he tapped onto the tablet once they were settled in front of it, leaning over to lock the wheels of his chair.

[biochemiist]

She leaned in to press her eye to the telescope, fumbling with the dial on the side until the stars came into focus. They were beautiful, vibrant dots of white and brilliant blue against the black sky, so many she could hardly count them. “I know these are stars,” she said when she pulled back. “But which stars am I looking at?”

Fitz had picked the location so she had to imagine that he had some knowledge of the universe and stars. She stepped back from the telescope so Fitz could look, watching as he pressed his eye up against the viewfinder. It still baffled her that her managed to clear out the planetarium for them. It was a sweet gesture, one so grand she didn’t quite know how to reciprocate. She had all evening to figure it out.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

I love you, too.

His lips twitched into a weak little smile, and his fingers tapped on her palm once more. As long as she knew, he figured he could rest, let some of the adrenaline fade from his veins. He mouthed the words to her again, just for good measure, about to try and speak again when the door opened and Trip came back.

“Hey, you guys started partying without me,” he mused, setting down a bag of food on the little bedside table. “I brought you something to eat,” he said to Jemma. “Skin and bones, girl, gotta get something in you. And the rest of the crew is gonna come by. It’s a B shift day so they’ll all head down. Coulson’s making the calls to everybody else.”

It was a relief when Fitz didn’t fight her, though she knew he was probably too weak to. She’d already cracked, but what if she broke? It was her turn to be strong for Fitz, not the other way around. She could harden her expression and shove down her fears until later, when she knew they were out of the woods. Fitz was awake now and that was good, but he hadn’t been for nine whole days. She would’ve been stupid to think that he wasn’t going to have any ramifications from it.

She turned her head to look at Trip, her stomach churning as she smelled the food. She’d barely eaten for the last nine days, but now she was sure it would only make the knots in her stomach worse. She shook her head, nudging the bag away with her free hand.

She liked the idea of seeing the rest of the crew, but wasn’t sure she could handle it. It felt like every sense had been dialed up to eleven, like it would only be a split second before she felt so overwhelmed she collapsed. Denying to see them would raise just as many alarm bells, so she just nodded instead.

Daisy could see the way Jemma tensed at the sight of the food, and she moved to put a hand on her shoulder again, giving a little nod towards the door to ask, quietly, if she felt like she needed to leave, if it was all too much for her.

Trip seemed to catch on, too, a little frown on his lips. “Whaddya need, girl?” he asked quietly, hardly more than a whisper, quieter than Fitz would be able to hear. “What can we do?”

[biochemiist]

It was kind of her friends to ask, but she didn’t know what she needed. She didn’t know what would make this better. “I’m okay,” she whispered with a shrug. It was a lie, but the truth was harder because there was no way to fix it. “Just stay.”

If her friends could stay, maybe she wouldn’t feel so out of her depth. If something happened to Fitz she wouldn’t be alone. If something happened, they’d hold her together until Fitz came back to pick up the pieces. She could be strong if they were there to support her — or, she thought she could be.

“What, um… what did you get up to during shift today?” She asked, changing my the subject in the hopes that they’d allow her to move on.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

No one said a word, and the silence was worse than anything. Fitz shut his eyes tightly, trying to focus on something other than how utterly broken Jemma had sounded. He could hear Daisy’s voice trying to comfort her, and he wished he had the strength to do it himself, to reach out and tell her that things would be okay, that he was okay.

Daniel nudged his shoulder gently, and he opened his eyes slowly, seeing Jemma’s hand outstretched to him, an olive branch if he ever saw one. Slowly, shakily, he reached his hand back out to her, his fingers twitching as they curled around her palm, tapping once, twice, three times.

“I-I… I’m… I’m here,” he croaked. “I lo-love… you…”

“I love you, too,” she mumbled.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him or that she didn’t believe it, just that the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop was weighing heavy on her mind. It felt like if she allowed herself anything good she would only have it all ripped away. Underneath that feeling was the knowledge that now Fitz was taking care of her. Even as the one in the hospital, even as the one who had almost died, he was still taking care of her. Shouldn’t it have been the other way around? What was she even doing?

If she knew anything about Fitz she knew that voicing those concerns aloud would only make him worry about her more, so she kept them to herself.

I love you, too.

His lips twitched into a weak little smile, and his fingers tapped on her palm once more. As long as she knew, he figured he could rest, let some of the adrenaline fade from his veins. He mouthed the words to her again, just for good measure, about to try and speak again when the door opened and Trip came back.

“Hey, you guys started partying without me,” he mused, setting down a bag of food on the little bedside table. “I brought you something to eat,” he said to Jemma. “Skin and bones, girl, gotta get something in you. And the rest of the crew is gonna come by. It’s a B shift day so they’ll all head down. Coulson’s making the calls to everybody else.”

[biochemiist]

It was a relief when Fitz didn’t fight her, though she knew he was probably too weak to. She’d already cracked, but what if she broke? It was her turn to be strong for Fitz, not the other way around. She could harden her expression and shove down her fears until later, when she knew they were out of the woods. Fitz was awake now and that was good, but he hadn’t been for nine whole days. She would’ve been stupid to think that he wasn’t going to have any ramifications from it.

She turned her head to look at Trip, her stomach churning as she smelled the food. She’d barely eaten for the last nine days, but now she was sure it would only make the knots in her stomach worse. She shook her head, nudging the bag away with her free hand.

She liked the idea of seeing the rest of the crew, but wasn’t sure she could handle it. It felt like every sense had been dialed up to eleven, like it would only be a split second before she felt so overwhelmed she collapsed. Denying to see them would raise just as many alarm bells, so she just nodded instead.

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

Fitz smiled as she teased him, feeling his cheeks heat up when she pointed out she could feel his eyes on her. In the dull lighting of the room, illuminated by the constellations on the ceiling, he could see her lips tilt upwards, a smile that sent a shiver down his back. He squeezed her hand back gently, slowly.

He didn’t reach for his tablet to speak to her. He didn’t want the robotic voice to ruin the moment, this calm quiet as he met her gaze, stars reflecting in brown hues. A galaxy of her own in her eyes.

He pursed his lips, opening his mouth, and a tiny sound escaped him, the start of a word that died out before he could say it properly. Instead, he squeezed her hand once more, a stronger pull to it this time.

She didn’t stare at him long, only giving him a quick glance before turning her eyes back to the stars. Fitz didn’t respond, but that was okay. He didn’t need to. He squeezed her hand, the pressure harder than it had been before, but she didn’t mind. Maybe he couldn’t respond verbally to her, but he’d found another way to do it.

They held hands through the rest of the show, waiting for the lights to come back on. When they did, she was unsurprised to find Fitz still looking at her. “Something on my face?” She asked, quirking one corner of her mouth into a smile.

“So,” she began, glancing towards the door. “What now?”

Fitz couldn’t help but watch her, watch the stars as they reflected in her eyes or the way she smiled up at the lightshow. When the lights came back on, his eyes were still on her, and he couldn’t tear them away.

She asked what they were to do next, and he shook his head for just a split second, reaching for the tablet. “Telescope outside, see the stars for real, not just in a lightshow.”

As soon as the words were out, he nodded his head towards the doors she’d glanced at, but he caught her hand before she could stand up, giving it another stronger squeeze. He wanted to say something. Wanted to say that he liked her, a lot, that he got butterflies in his chest whenever he met her eyes. Again, though, his mouth just opened and closed dumbly, hardly a sound passing his parted lips.

[biochemiist]

Ah, the telescope. She’d only made it to the observatory once before but she remembered the telescope fondly. Somehow, she’d managed to come at a time when it hadn’t been in use. She’d spent ages there exploring the stars by herself, trying to become better acquainted with the stars above her new home.

She stood to go, pausing when Fitz caught her hand and turning her gaze back to him. He looked like he was going to say something, but that would’ve been ridiculous. She tugged on his hand gently.

“Come on,” she urged. “I was promised stars, Fitz. You aren’t going to make me wait, are you?”

[brxkcnengineer]

biochemiist​:

brxkcnengineer​:

Stop. Stop, I… I can’t I can’t touch you. If-if I do… If I do I’m going to wake up a-and realize this is all a-a dream and you’re still in that stupid coma, o-or worse. I can’t.

Daisy moved in at that, putting her hand on Jemma’s shoulder and squeezing hard. “Look at me,” she said quietly, waiting for her friend to tear her eyes away from the floor. “You’re awake, Jemma. This isn’t a dream.”

She looked over to Fitz, who had a lost look in his eyes now, his gaze drifting away from Jemma, tears starting to slip down his cheeks. He pulled his hand back shakily. “Fitz is awake, Jemma,” Daisy said firmly. “The coma is over, he’s awake, he’s back.”

Daisy was gentle but firm, squeezing Jemma’s shoulder hard enough to get her attention. She wanted to believe that she was right, that it was over, but anything could happen between that moment and the next. It felt like a nightmare, like she was waiting for waiting for the other shoe to drop. She dared to glance over at Fitz, now looking lost and crying, and she didn’t know what to do next. She couldn’t let her guard down now, not when everything was so critical.

She sniffled softly, trying to compose herself before she got up and took a seat by his bed. She hesitated but finally reached out, offering up a hand to Fitz. She wouldn’t be able to let her guard down completely, not yet, but she could meet him halfway, couldn’t she?

No one said a word, and the silence was worse than anything. Fitz shut his eyes tightly, trying to focus on something other than how utterly broken Jemma had sounded. He could hear Daisy’s voice trying to comfort her, and he wished he had the strength to do it himself, to reach out and tell her that things would be okay, that he was okay.

Daniel nudged his shoulder gently, and he opened his eyes slowly, seeing Jemma’s hand outstretched to him, an olive branch if he ever saw one. Slowly, shakily, he reached his hand back out to her, his fingers twitching as they curled around her palm, tapping once, twice, three times.

“I-I… I’m… I’m here,” he croaked. “I lo-love… you…”

[biochemiist]

“I love you, too,” she mumbled.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him or that she didn’t believe it, just that the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop was weighing heavy on her mind. It felt like if she allowed herself anything good she would only have it all ripped away. Underneath that feeling was the knowledge that now Fitz was taking care of her. Even as the one in the hospital, even as the one who had almost died, he was still taking care of her. Shouldn’t it have been the other way around? What was she even doing?

If she knew anything about Fitz she knew that voicing those concerns aloud would only make him worry about her more, so she kept them to herself.