guess who's back
i remember once writing, "you can leave slowly or you can leave all at once." back then, i don't think i actually knew what i meant, but when i read it now it makes sense to me. i like that - i like the idea that i had a feeling inside me that was waiting to be true.
i've done both, i guess. i felt roughly the same in each instance. unsure, to an extent, afraid that something that wasn't really me was doing the leaving, unconvinced that when you leave something behind, you gain something too.
there is some kind of sentiment in me that says, i don't want to have to look for something anymore. i want to be found. maybe it's just laziness, i don't know. mostly i do feel tired of searching, it's tiring to search for something you can't name. it feels like some kind of failure on my part, but what doesn't. maybe life is just searching, and if i'm tired of it, my life is over - no, that's not right. maybe i've given myself up to life, i'm ready to put my arms down, to take in what comes in a way that's pliant.
