Kaya

23 years old. denmark. pansexual. music. twitch. youtube.

[bitch-rainb0ws]

Attached

I used to be pretty good at being on my own. I used to enjoy the silence, the comfort of my own company. That seems to have changed.

I still enjoy my own company, maybe just a little less. I see my friends more regularly but even then I’m mostly talking to you.

I get attached quickly. I fall fast and I fall hard. Once you’ve let me in, I want to stay.

I love love. The feelings that ignite inside me makes me feel alive and makes me feel… normal. In those moments, I feel safe. Maybe that’s the danger of it all.

Open communication, attention, possessiveness and loyalty you said. Words without meaning to me, words without any experience.

3 weeks… that’s how long it’s taken you to show me things I only read about in love stories.

Will it last or am I fooling myself again?

[bitch-rainb0ws]

I said my trust issues was a 'me'-problem. You stopped me in my tracks and said "no, it's a 'we'-problem.

I’m lost in you.

[colorogasm]

[dauntinq]

[huzursuzhayaller]

[lets-catch-some-waves]

[petitespercetions-blog]

[middle0fmymind]

[tamper]

[wildandlux]

[bhibbs]

[bitch-rainb0ws]

Realization

I once read “when my absence doesn’t alter your life, then my life has no presence in it.” And it seems like my absence does nothing to you. You completely check out unless I initiate the conversations.  You said that both parts have to give 100% yet even when I give 150% you don’t even spare me 1%.

But I’m stronger than I was last time someone decided I wasn’t enough. This time I know I have something amazing to offer, I deserve someone who will tell me that my absence greatly alters their life. Someone who will reassure me without me needing to tell them. Someone who will love me and show it to me so I’m never in a position to question or overthink it.

I am deserving of love, with or without you.

[bitch-rainb0ws]

I once read “when my absence doesn’t alter your life, then my life has no presence in it.” And it seems like my absence does nothing to you. You completely check out unless I start the conversations.

You said that both parts have to give 100% and yet even when I give 150% you don’t even spare me 1%.

But I’m stronger than I was last time someone decided I wasn’t enough. This time I know I have something amazing to offer, I deserve someone who will tell me that my absence has greatly altered their life. Someone who will reassure me without me needing to tell them. Someone who will love me and show it to me so I’m never in a position to question it.

I am deserving of love, with or without you.

[bitch-rainb0ws]

For the person who falls in love with me.

I’ve been through stuff I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy which means that even though I’m healed and over it, there will be times I need you to do a little extra to make me feel like I’m worth something, good enough or just wanted.

I know what happened to me had nothing to do with you, but it left me broken and I’m still scarred. It’s gonna take time for me to trust you completely or even just enough to open up. I hope you stick by me long enough for me to do that, I promise it’ll get better.

I bottle up my feelings and then I explode. I will very likely cry in silence, when we’ve gone to bed. If you wake up from that, I’m sorry. If you ask me what’s wrong, the answer will most likely be “I don’t know” or “it’s nothing”. I don’t need for you to keep pushing me to tell you what it is, because I’ll most likely not even know myself. If you could just hug me a little tighter and give me a small kiss and just let me know I’m safe and it’s going to be okay, that’ll be all I need. I’ll come to you when I feel calm.

I have toxic traits that I’m learning to get rid of, these are part of my past, again, nothing to do with you and I’m sorry. Be patient with me, stick by me and don’t think any of it is your fault.

Thank you for being there and helping me heal even more.

[bitch-rainb0ws]

There’s a fine line between being controlling and possessive.

Do you feel possessive over me?

If not, I get it. I’m a rebound, temporary, a chapter, not the end of the book.

If not, let me go. Let me go before I become attached. Before I get possessive over you.

If not, why did you disturb my peace in the first place? I was doing fine on my own, fine without knowing you.

But if you do, let me know. Tell me that I’m not just a rebound, not just comfort.

I want to be there for you, be a light in the darkness that surrounds us both.

If you do, do you see me in your future like I do you?

[bitch-rainb0ws]

Falling.

Opening up to you was not just the most terrifying thing I could’ve ever done. It was also one of the easiest things I’ve ever had to do. 

The way you held me a little tighter, kissed me a little more and showed me that I’m not the same person I was then made me fall even more for you.  You told me, that you didn’t have anything to say on my past. I didn’t want a response from you, I wanted you to listen. And you did just that, and you continue to give me ways to open my heart to you, just by listening and remembering the small details.

I have given you so much of me in the span of a few weeks and it scares me how much I’ve told you, yet you continue to come back, you still want to see me. You told someone I know that you really want to see where this goes, you care for me.

The first time I cried after we started talking, I didn’t tell you, we we’re snapchatting and I was doing my best with filters to look like I hadn’t been crying, and you saw right through me and called me to give me comfort. The second time, you wouldn’t have been able to know because we were simply chatting on facebook, yet somehow you knew exactly when to make me laugh. 

I’m in so deep, that I don’t know if I can get out. 

[bitch-rainb0ws]

After a manipulative and toxic relationship

It’s hard opening up again. Making yourself open to loving another person when the last time you did, you were only told how little you were worth.

It’s hard to unlearn all the toxic traits you acquired so you could cope. I’ve never been good at expessing why I feel sad or what made it build up inside me.

I opened up to someone. They’re not ready to get into a relationship they say, they’ve only been single for 2 months. But the way they look at me, hold me, trace my face, my back. It says something different.

Telling me, I’m beautiful, my little quirks are cute, the small things I do, that I barely notice myself, they see those. And appreciate those. Every time I’ve seen them, they hug me a little tighter, kiss me a little deeper and cuddle me a little harder.

They told me something that will resonate with me for a long time; don’t compare yourself to others. You’ve got all you need, so let them worry about if they got what they need.

I’m in no way rushing into a relationship, I might’ve been single for almost 3 years, but when you not only get hurt, but broken into a million pieces, it stays with you for a while. I’m still healing, and it’s a process.

I am good enough for love. I was just hurt by someone who didn’t know how to love. I am worthy of happiness, even on the days I feel like I’m not.