Machinations of a middle-minded muppet.

A London girl trying to figure out how to get what she wants in life, and have some fun getting it.

[dearcoquette]

Do normal people exist? I don’t mean heteronormative people—just people who are emotionally stable, have no underlying neuroses, and aren’t secretly in a world of pain/self-doubt. Are those people real or are they a universally accepted fiction?

You’re not asking if normal people exist....

[bitinglightbulbs]

Six months ago my world fell apart. My love, job, home and health went into free fall all at exactly the same time. Six months later, now, I've fixed everything. I've got a new job, a new house, I'm healthier and I'm adored. I think that's all I've got to say on the matter.

[bitinglightbulbs]

Best present ever!

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Flying high

oooooh look at me! I'm on my way to Italy!!! If I don't die on this flight, I'll have a relaxing holiday :)

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Feeling down in the mouth

I have been feeling pretty pissed off the last couple of days because I have a very bad tooth/facial muscle infection. Boo. This means I can't drink AT ALL at the Summer Party I have spent so much time and effort organising, nor at my leaving drinks on Monday :(

However, I got a message earlier which perked me up a bit:

"You should smile a little, because I have never before seen someone who could still look beautiful when they have a tooth infection…"

[dearcoquette]

We know your view of the Abrahamic faiths, but I’m curious to know if it extends to the other religions of the world, such as religious Buddhism, Hinduism, Bahá’í, persisting indigenous faiths, the various branches of modern paganism, etc.?

I’m opposed to any organized belief system with...

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This this this!

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Well, yeah.

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"Sort of subtly punched the air, but managed to miss the air and punch a glass instead."

Invited the boy over to mine tonight for some cuddling, subsequently heard lots of crashing...I'm gonna take this as a good thing :)

[bitinglightbulbs]

So I saw him this morning freshly shaved and wearing a tight, blue shirt hugging his biceps and I went all..

[thischarmingcharlie]

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I saw this a while back and fell in love with it. I also felt it so keenly I was tempted to plaster it all over my face, but common sense (& the need to see in front of me) prevailed- so I didn't.

I also didn't get what I wanted. But that's OK, because I think I got what I needed.

I'm sure there's a song in there somewhere... ;)

[bitinglightbulbs]

So, this is me right now.

[bitinglightbulbs]

I've done it, I've fucking done it. I've gotten a new job! I'm leaving behind my company and joining a new, exciting one! It's quite a bit different, with more writing involved and less management. I'll be creating a journal, a hard-copy journal I can hold in my hand and own something I can be proud of! I've got a salary larger than my age too! FUCK YEAH! Finally my contribution to a company will be acknowledged with a decent wage.

I feel good, this is the right time for me and I've proven that I still can do it. Even though I've been holding on for dear life, I still have the strength to  swing myself up onto the ledge and save myself. Because I sure as fuck don't need anyone else to do it for me. So, in one month's time I'll be in Italy sunning myself for a week, and then back to a brand-new job!

Interestingly, my self-worth has improved with my new appointment, and I feel like I am a person of substance- professionally, at least.

Next thing on the list is a permanent place to live!

[bitinglightbulbs]

Answers- from my own personal Agony Aunt.

"So, here was the response to my little moan the other day, wise words be following:

That's perfectly normal. I think it's only starting to really hit you now, you've had a lot of things on your mind distracting you and now that you've slowed down a bit you should expect a lot of the sadness and anger to creep out. Unfortunately it's something you will need to deal with at some point in time.

I maintain that no contact is the best policy, particularly because I am someone who breaks that quite regularly and then I have to deal with guilt, self humiliation and a horrible feeling of "he's got all the power again" on top of the usual despair and anger. It's not a great combination, I can promise you that. 

There's nothing he can say that will make it better I'm afraid, no justification is good enough to make up for how incredibly selfish, unconsidered and hurtful he was. I don't expect that sort of treatment from someone I don't know or like, let alone from your partner. Unless he says that he was infected with the rare bug that caused a temporary loss of judgement / turned him into a different person for the past few months I can't see what he can possibly say or do to make it ok. Or even acceptable. Or even understandable. 

I also don't think there's anything you can do or say to make him see that. He seems to have changed a lot over the past couple of years, and if before he was self centred but could be told to wake up, now he doesn't seem to have the ability to pull his head out of his arse. It's tempting to partially blame his useless cuntish mates for encouraging him to prioritize a band and friendships that frankly won't last half a dozen years over the love of his life and what could have been the only happy ending that boy can even aspire to, but at the end of the day the harsh truth is that it was down to him, this was his choice. Don't let him off and assume that he would be a good person if not for the bad influences, because bad influences will always be there. A good person, a decent human being, knows to keep these away from the things he treasures, and have no doubt about this: he should have protected you more. From his friends, from his doubts, from himself. Because you always did. You loved him and had the balls to do it unconditionally, He didn't. He loved you, I've no doubt about it, but he was too much of a coward to know how to handle that. And that's even worse than not loving someone, with love you don't really get a choice, but you can choose to rise to the occasion. 

Sod him. Honestly, he's the biggest piece of shit I can think of and I still can't look at anyone with his name without wanting to punch them in the face. 

Don't contact him, he doesn't deserve to even see your name popping up on his screen. When you hurt someone like that you lose the privilege to even staying friends, or having any sort of contact. He doesn't deserve to know you're well and thriving, he doesn't deserve to know you anymore. 

But if you do contact him please, PLEASE, do not beat yourself up for it. You've done remarkably well so far, and you're only human. Despite knowing all of this, you still haven't fully realised that this is true and that's perfectly normal. The hardest thing you'll have to do is conciliate the man you knew with the man you know now. I wish I could help you doing that, but it's something you will only get with time. Small realisations will eventually build up to a full puzzle and you will one day wake up and shout "what a fucking wanker. Waste of my time". "

[bitinglightbulbs]

Questions

Ok, I'm telling myself right now that this will be the last post I make about my ex for as long as I can possibly manage it. This is for a couple of reasons; firstly, I run the risk of creating some sort of Tumblr shrine to him where it sounds like I sit in a room all day and just obsess like a crazed One Direction fan and secondly, I think I've given him enough of me already and it'd be good to create something that's not intrinsically ABOUT HIM.

So, here goes, my confession -- I'm in mourning. I mourn him. I mourn me. I mourn all the things we did and didn't do. CLICHÉ ALERT! The future I could so clearly imagine with him that had only been abstract watercolours with others. I mourn the past where it all seemed to make so much sense when we'd lay in the morning sun and peek through ugly green curtains, cigarette smoke swirling between us. I mourn the loss of my best, best friend. I mourn the lack of warm memories, of fond nostalgia, of how all the good times have drained away and all I'm left with is the sludge of the end. 

I'm working to change my life. To be better, be happier, be more me. It's hard, though, when you pour so much of yourself into someone for so long I think you do lose sight of yourself properly. I feel like I'm squinting at myself in a mirror smeared with sweat and tears and the grimy film is all that covers me; not glory, certainly not glory -- but then neither is he ;)

But it's hard, after three months questions enter my head and they are hard to bat away. I want answers I'll never get. Why treat me that way?  Why disregard me so easily and disrespect me so completely? Why pull me in and then push me away? Why test and test and test only to fail me anyway? Why not love me better the way he promised? Why not say sorry? Why not a small sorry; I'm sorry I failed, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I couldn't be what I should have been? Why do this for five years then act like it was five weeks? Why not tell me what I was doing wrong? (See, lots of questions!)

I'm 27 and I've lost the love of my life. Now I'll be sharing with strangers again soon. I'll be back at the beginning, when three months ago I was imagining walks in the country, commuting to work and living with my boyfriend, making a home with the man who said he wanted to marry me and raise a family. So, yeah, it sucks. I sent a (shorter) email to Clara about this subject and she came back with something so helpful I'm going to post it here, maybe you'll find some of it helpful:

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This is today for me. How people hurt others so deeply, with no remorse or thought for them just astounds me sometimes. I'm glad I love the way I do, but; hell, sometimes I wish it wouldn't sting so much.

It's a hiccup, I'll get through it.

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So, I moved this weekend. YAY! I mean, I'm not at my perfect place yet as all the crazy mental people took up all of my time when I was searching for a new place/ stopping myself from thoroughly breaking down. (Still doing a good job there you'll be pleased to know.)

So, for now I'm staying with a friend and her boyfriend for a short while until I find a room big enough for me and darling Lilith that doesn't cost the earth. It's a lovely flat in south London, though of course I'll not be able to unpack my billion possessions until I move to my final destination, which does cause a fair bit of anxiety. In fact, anxiety is pretty easy to raise in me recently. It's not taking much to make me antsy and not a little stroppy! Thankfully, as I suspected, the wonderful friends I have supported and helped me move, with more offering to help with the second move too. I feel blessed, considering I received a phone call from the mother a couple of weeks ago to let me know that she: "definitely, can't possibly help" in ANY aspect of my impending doom. Always know I can count on you mama.

Anyways, this song was in my head as I moved a small level up this past weekend. So, enjoy.

P.s Fuck me that boy has the best biceps I've seen in a good while. Hnnrrgghhh.

[bitinglightbulbs]

I know, I know... all I seem to be talking about is matters of the heart recently (alright-forever, and to be fair that's why this blog was set up), which is a shame 'cos I'm actually out having a life & doing some really cool things (Hen Do's, nights out, organising holidays, weddings, zip-wiring down trees) but they aren't the things that I feel the need to expunge, so misery you get. Once I get a handle on the job and living situation I'll share some more positive thoughts and maybe even try something semi-insightful. Though I'm not promising anything. ;)