Hall of Illustrious Fictional Lawyers

So the world thinks we're a bunch of soul-sucking, ambulance-chasing, pinstripe-wearing bastard people. Well, we've got something to say about that: We'll see you in court, pal! No, wait ... I mean ... uh ... We can be nice too! Yeah ... that's it. Just look at all these inspiring legal folks. Sure, they're fictional, but they're also awesome.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Judge Hopkins Flavor of Lawyer: Deceased Location: Blithe Hollow Famous Words: We were scared. Of her. I believed we were doing what was right. I was wrong. This is our punishment. We thought we knew our way in life, but in death we are lost. Please. Help us. Why He's Awesome: Hopkins is pretty articulate for a guy whose jaw is half rotted off. Which is good, because it's going to take one hell of an excuse to explain why he sentenced a ten-year-old to death. Want a consult? Find him in ParaNorman.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Grand Councilwoman Flavor of Lawyer: Judge Location: United Intergalactic Federation Famous Words: You look familiar. Ah, yes. You had hair then. Why She's Awesome: When the Councilwoman lets one deranged criminal out of prison to capture another deranged criminal, you might be tempted to think that her strong suit isn't coming up with good plans. But that's only because you haven't heard her first three ideas. Next to gassing an entire planet, blowing up an island, and mounting a full scale military invasion, setting a mad alien scientist loose on Earth seems downright circumspect. Want a consult? Find her in Lilo and Stitch.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: "Reverend" Roy Foltrigg Flavor of Lawyer: Prosecutor Location: New Orleans Famous Words: Oh, hell no. They're a pain in the ass. You got nothing to hide, you don't need a lawyer. Why He's Awesome: In Roy's defense, he wasn't lying when he told a detained minor that lawyers are just monumental pains in the ass, who drag things out and make everything more expensive and complex than it needs to be. Attorneys really are like that. Attorneys named Roy Foltrigg, anyway. Want a consult? Find him in The Client by John Grisham.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Reggie Love Flavor of Lawyer: Family Law Attorney Location: Memphis Famous Words: You are so good. But I'm not going to let you use this child to climb into the governor's chair. If you and your guys attempt to contact my client or his family again, I'm going to put little Mark Sway on the news, primetime, and he can tell everybody how you trampled the constitutional rights of a little eleven-year-old. And I've got the tape to prove it.  Why She's Awesome: When a client calls you in the middle of the night to ask if you can pick him up from his prison break, smuggle him over state lines, and go dig up a corpse with him, the answer is no. I don't care if that client is an adorable, cherubic child. I definitely don't care if that child is a petulant, abusive, chain-smoking, swearing little delinquent busily working on his first felony. NO. Want a consult? Find her in The Client by John Grisham.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Alan Dershowitz Flavor of Lawyer: Law Professor Location: Cambridge Famous Words: If lawyers only defended innocent clients, there would only be twelve defense attorneys, and none of you would be able to find a job. Why He's Awesome: I don't know that you can take credit for overturning your client's conviction, when twenty or so law students did all of the research, found the witnesses, wrote the motions, tore holes in the evidence, came up with all the legal arguments, and did everything except stand next to the defendant at the hearing. Let's be honest, Alan. The prosecutor contributed more to the defense than you did. Want a consult? Find him in Reversal of Fortune.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Sara Fitzgerald Flavor of Lawyer: Slimey Location: Mother of the Year Shortlist Famous Words: You don't want to do it anymore? That's it? You don't want to do it? Well, guess what. Neither do I, and neither does Kate! But it's not like we have a choice in this! Why She's Awesome: When your own daughter sues you for medical emancipation so you can't forcibly remove her kidney, there's really only one response. You sue her eleven-year-old butt right back. And be sure to utterly destroy her on the stand. It's just good parenting. Want a consult? Find her in My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Campbell Alexander Flavor of Lawyer: Attorney for the ACLU Location: The Moral High Ground Famous Words: Really? Didn't two nurses have to hold Anna down because she was fighting so hard? So she didn't completely agree, now did she? Why He's Awesome: If you are lucky enough to have a service dog, be sure to name it "Judge." That way when you bring it to court with you, you can shout, "Shut up, Judge!" without being held in contempt of court. Want a consult? Find him in My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Jerome Facher Flavor of Lawyer: Civil Defense Attorney Location: Boston Famous Words: The truth? I thought we were talking about a court of law. Come on. You've been around long enough to know that a courtroom isn't a place to look for the truth. You'll be lucky to find anything here that in any way resembles the truth. You disagree? Since when? Jan, Jan, that suit fits you better than sentimentality. Why He's Awesome: Jerome is good. Ridiculously good. So good that he manages to get his chemical-dumping, child-killing, corporate client excused from the lawsuit with more than half an hour of the movie still left to go. I don't know what he does with that extra forty minutes, but it's a good bet that he spends it practicing his evil cackle in front of a mirror. Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: James Gordon Flavor of Lawyer: Personal Injury Attorney Location: Boston Famous Words: Every credit card application we send in, we get two more in the mail. Here's one from some bank I've never heard of in North Dakota. Fill it out. Fill them all out. It's the last great pyramid scheme in America. Cancel the American Lawyer. Cancel all the legal journals. Who needs them? And call the janitorial people. Tell them their services are no longer required. We can empty our own f*cking ashtrays. Why He's Awesome: You know the future of your firm is secure when the only way your chief financial officer can think of to pay the bills is to get lucky with scratch cards and discount lotto tickets. That or send a hundred dollars into a 2AM televangelist and hope God hooks him up with a miracle. A sound investment either way. Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Jan Schlichtmann Flavor of Lawyer: Personal Injury Attorney Location: Boston Famous Words: I mean I can appreciate the theatrical value of several dead kids. I mean I like that. Obviously. That's good. But that's all this case has going for it. That's not enough. Why He's Awesome: By the end of the film Jan manages to reclaim his soul for the low, low price of his house, his car, his law firm, seventeen years of income, all of his personal possessions, and his spot on the Boston's Most Eligible Bachelor list. In other words, Jan got totally ripped off. A soul isn't going to make that eightieth consecutive Cup O' Noodles taste any better. Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Matthew Harrison Brady Flavor of Lawyer: Prosecutor Location: Hillsborough Famous Words: No use trying to fool ourselves, Henry. We're just not the men we used to be. Funny how two people can start from the same point and drift apart. There used to be a mutuality of understanding, admiration between us, Henry. Why is it, my old friend, that you've moved so far away from me? Why He's Awesome: Well, of course Matthew doesn't believe in evolution. Lawyers are still the exact same slimy, bottom-feeding invertebrates we were three billion years ago. Want a consult? Find him in Inherit the Wind.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Henry Drummond Flavor of Lawyer: Criminal Defense Attorney Location: Hillsborough, The Buckle on the Bible Belt Famous Words: I know what Burt is going through. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down an empty street listening to your own footsteps. But all you have to do is knock on any door and say, "If you let me in, I'll live the way you want me to live, and I'll think the way you want me to think." And all the blinds will go up, and all the doors will open, and you'll never be lonely ever again. Why He's Awesome: When the entire town from which you plan to select a jury throws a parade for the prosecutor, burns your client in effigy, and gathers every night outside the prison to sing about lynching the defendant, you might be a little worried about jury contamination. Five words, Henry. Motion for change of venue. Want a consult? Find him in Inherit the Wind.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Oliver Wendell Douglas Flavor of Lawyer: Rural Location: Hooterville Famous Words: Green Acres is the place to be. Farm living is the life for me. Land spreading out so far and wide. Keep Manhattan. Just give me that countryside. Why He's Awesome: Oliver has the brilliant idea to abandon a successful legal practice in New York City and instead run a farm in the middle of nowhere. Despite the fact that the main reason people become lawyers in the first place is to avoid anything even resembling physical labor. Why do you think interns have to bring us our coffee? We don't have the upper body strength to carry something that heavy! Want a consult? Find him on Green Acres.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Richard Rietti Flavor of Lawyer: Fraudulent Location: Paradise Bluff Famous Words: Objection! Irrelevant. I mean argumentative. Assumes facts not in evidence. Badgering! Definitely badgering! Why He's Awesome: Richard proves once and for all that you don't need a license to practice law effectively. All you need is a loud, indignant voice, some aggressive finger-pointing, and plenty of dramatic pauses. As long as you don't mind losing the case. And going to jail. Want a consult? Find him in Trial and Error.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Paul Z. Graff Flavor of Lawyer: Judge Location: Paradise Bluff  Famous Words: Fine. Fine. Are you prepared to close? Your closing argument. That does usually conclude these little festivities! Why He's Awesome: By the end of the trial, Paul doesn't even bother basing his rulings on precedent or procedural rules. Strangely, for a guy whose last name is only one letter away from "graft," he's not basing them on bribes either. He's going entirely by what the little voices in his head tell him to do. Who knew having a complete psychological breakdown mid-trial would be just like getting your own personal judicial panel inside your skull? Want a consult? Find him in Trial and Error.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Charles Tuttle Flavor of Lawyer: Criminal Defense Attorney Location: Paradise Bluff Famous Words: Maybe I can be of some help here, fella. Pal, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the law is on his side. Prior use of the machine is not de-ter-min-a-tive of possessorrary interest. Yes. Did you see that? That's aggravated assault! That's four years in the state pen! Why He's Awesome: Charles is exactly the kind of dry, humorless individual you would want handling your legal affairs. As long as he's sober. If he's drunk, he's exactly the kind of dry, humorless individual who thinks he can stop a bar fight among bikers by citing the principles of tort law. Which will no doubt come in handy when those same bikers punch him in the face. Repeatedly. Although to be fair, they did check to confirm that Charles was a lawyer before initiating the battery, so they're not entirely unfamiliar with the concept of duty of care. Want a consult? Find him in Trial and Error.

[bitterlawyer]

Name: Alan Carlisle Flavor of Lawyer: Suspicious Location: Wichita Famous Words: If I wanted you dead, I would have insisted on more children. Why He's Awesome: Alan is a tall, dark, ridiculously handsome lawyer who does pro bono work for orphans and inexplicably falls in love with the plain heroine, despite the entire female population of Wichita vying for his affection. Oh, and he's wealthy too. Either this guy just walked off the pages of a bad romance novel or he's hiding a deep, dark secret. He's a serial killer, isn't he? No? Pedophile? Arsonist? Prolific kicker of puppies? Stealer of candy from infants? Oh, come on. You know that whole decent human being thing is an act! He's a lawyer for God's sake! Want a consult? Find him in The Chaperone by Laura Moriarty.