most days are bitter as hell and certain days shine brighter than the hot scorching sun. I am tired-yes-tired of cartwheels. tired of life, tired of meeting new people, tooooo tired to even use my brain that once upon a time performed a mandarin concert which I thought was brilliant and I made my mama proud. now it's all about making bad decisions, self-sabotage, so many hatred that are unexplainable on things and individuals. my brain? dysfunctional. my motivation? died. me? almost dead. how are things so different a year ago, and now I want nothing more than death and a marriage at the same time. I want to get married before I pronounce dead. I want to walk the aisle in my utmost beautiful wedding gown with the cheekiest smile I could put on. I want to go through the hassle to plan my wedding day with my other half and complain why things do not go my way. but all of that sounded better in my head if I had not thought of death more than life itself. where will I be in 5 years time? will she be able to come to my funeral?