āSelf-destruction Self-destruction isnāt snorting the line on the party just because you want to try it for fun and thinking āIāll do it just once, just to try it!ā Self-destruction isnāt going out and drinking a little too much sometimes. Self-destruction is taking that line even you know what will happen, knowing the side effect of that. Itās taking that line, not because of fun or people around you, itās because you have that urge inside you that tells you to do it, to fuck yourself up. Self-destruction is going out with the intention to get drunk and not know about yourself the whole time just because you feel something inside of yourself that needs to be destroyed. You donāt drink because youāre sad or happy, you drink to kill that something inside of you. Self-destruction is that smoke of cigarette you just took. You didnāt start smoking because of people around you make you do it, you started smoking because you heard itās bad for you. Now youāre addicted. Or maybe you arenāt but you still do it. Self-destruction is when you go to some random person you met at the bar house because of sex. You donāt know who he is, you could be anybody, you could end up dead, raped, you donāt know it wonāt happen, but you go anyway. You know all the risks but you do it anyway. Self-destruction is pushing people away and making yourself antisocial on purpose. Self-destruction is popping painkillers even if you arenāt in pain. Self-destruction is getting into fights on purpose. Self-destruction is letting your id doing whatever you want. Self-destruction is a lot of things, but itās never a choice. Self-destruction isnāt mental illness. Self-destruction isnāt when you break up with your boyfriend so you lock your room and cry or go out and get drunk to forget about him. Self-destruction is something in people, something that pulls you to the edge. Itās the sweetest sin of all of them. You can fight it, but it always wins. People keep saying to fight it like if they can fight it, you can fight it also, but if you are a really self-destructive you canāt fight it and you know it. Itās part of your reality, your life. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. Not all who are depressive are self-destructive. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. I smoke, I drink, I take pills ā Iām not addicted to any of that. I do it do destroy myself. I donāt hate myself, Iām very far from hating myself. But some people do hate themselves. Some do, some donāt. everybody is different. If somebody asked me why I do what I do I wouldnāt know how to answer. I know what is the goal, but I donāt know the main reason beside something self-destructive inside me. For example, I know what heroin does to people but Iād love to try it. But Iāll never do it. Not because I donāt want to, but because I know what would it do to people around me. I donāt want to fuck them up. I want to fuck me up. And there are ways to do it without hurting somebody constantly. People who are self-destructive donāt want to harm you, they want to harm themselves.ā
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