What was it you said about stitches and mending?

hello i am holly. i like motorbikes and painting. i am going to be honest on here.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i just feel so sad.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

it's been a while since i've written on here

i guess the same thing brings me back. it's that kind of loneliness that you want to keep private, in a way. not completely, and probably not really. but enough to hide it for a while.

i'm awfully afraid i think, that i won't find my niche. i've been here a month but i don't know what that means. does that mean i should have found it already, or does that mean i'm being ridiculous to expect to have found it so soon.

i don't really know what i mean by niche either. i don't have a set idea in my mind, i just assume i'll know when i find it. it'll be a person, or a group of people. at home my niche was sian, and my family. down here i don't know where it is. i got a glimpse of it with frankie at the station but that seems a long time ago already.

i need to be blue on the outside to find my blue people but it's awfully easy to hide behind all the other colours.

i just need an anchor, something to come back to when everything gets crazy. because everything is getting crazy already and my course has been going for a week. i'm just so  out of ideas, i don't know where to start with my work.

it's sort of like i just want to get a glimpse of a few months down the line, to know it'll all be okay. i hope it'll all be okay.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i just miss you, painfully and all at once.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i'm at home alone and i can't stop pulling

i was fine i was good and then college rang and yelled and now i feel sick and weirdly scared and i can't stop pulling

fucks sake

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i know it's kind of pathetic, but i really miss my mum

it's kind of selfish, like. i don't always miss her if i'm away. because i'm away.

but just. this house doesn't work without her.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i haven't pulled properly in like a week. i've pulled odd hairs, but i haven't had a full on pulling session, and they're growing back.

i'm going to go back to singing olly murs and painting. i'm not cool, but i never said i was.

[ocularfracture]

I’m feeling generous today, so I’ll be glad to give away one of my steampunk super heart necklaces free to one person who reblogs this!

The rules are the usual:  You can only reblog once, no creating fake accounts. It has to be a reblog; likes do not count. You have to be willing to surrender your address in order for me to mail it to you. And I’ll decide at the end of April who gets the heart. :3 

Edit: Since so many people are asking where they can get one, I thought I’d bring light to the fact that the “source” link will take you to my Etsy shop where you can purchase one, if you’re interested. Thank you guys for all the reblogs. I’m pretty much stunned.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i think this time around it's better because i've grown up a lot

it's like. i'm myself. frankie found me and she helped me stand until i could stand on my own. whenever i feel scared i can think back to those months of talking, galleries, london and the dove keeper and it just. it makes me feel safe. safe that i know who i am now, and whoever i will be, it's okay. 

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i'm happy, i think.

i'm freaking the fuck out about how behind on all this work i am, but there's a tiny voice going - so what? you only need a pass. you're going to art college.

it makes me feel trapped, so i do things that make me feel free. like driving around the county, walking in the hills and exploring the worlds in books.

and she's mine. and i don't know where we're going, but i don't care. we'll work it out. but right now, she's here and i'm happy. so happy.

she's doing this thing where every time we do something special together, she gives me a pokemon gym badge. i don't know where she's got them from, they came from the other side of the world somewhere.

i just got the boulder badge, for that bike ride we went on together the other week.

:3

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i feel happy.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i told her about my trich

well. i'd told her before. and that didn't go well, not really, she didn't understand and i didn't have the confidence to explain.

but we talked about it properly. i just, i just told her. even about where i pull. and yeah. and i was little spoon and i told her about my eyelashes. and she understood, i think, or at least as much as she could. she'd researched it herself so that it was easier for me to explain. and. yeah.

and then she said she'd love me even if i had no hair at all. and i believe her.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

one of the things that i'm most afraid of is that i'll hide everything.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

you're so ridiculous. and you care, i think maybe more than i do, which i never expected.

i dried your tears. and i will taste you on my lips again, because i might not love you now, but it's you.

i'll fall in love again so easily. i'm much much stronger, but i'll still fall in love with you again. 

and this time, i don't care how you describe it. the way you act, look at me, describe your feelings. you're so afraid. you said i'm the most important, and that you like me more than you've ever liked anyone, and that you care more than you've ever cared. but it's not love because you don't know what love is if it doesn't hurt?

you're such a strange girl, such a strange, strange girl.

you can't understand my smile i think. but, to me, that is love. and it doesn't matter to me what you call it because that's what i call it.

i'm not allowing my feelings to cloud my judgement, though. this won't last, it will end when i leave if not sooner. but i know that for now, i want you in my arms again.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

i loved today.

you don't know what love is if it doesn't hurt, but i don't think that's what love is.

you cried. i'm always the one that cries. i didn't cry.

i'm much much stronger than i was before, and my life has a plan. i'm going to art college, i'm really going.

hm. we will see. 

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

these are thoughts, and they are foul and wrong and i need to put them somewhere for fear that they will spill from my mouth and hover in the air, waiting for others to taste them.

i don't know how you can do this to our parents.

you know how hard dad works, and how much mum worries about the money we don't have, and yet. and yet you still expect them to produce thousands of pounds for you, because you don't want to stay at home one more year.

it's not that i'm jealous, i'm not. i have not enjoyed this year, i have not enjoyed this college. but i never once dreamed of putting them in the position you have.

do you have any idea. ANY FUCKING IDEA what this will do to them. whatever happens you'll hurt them and you don't seem to care. you'll either crush their pride and make them blame themselves, and FUCK i cannot see my her cry again. you will make her cry. or they'll give up everything to get you to london, you won't make one sacrifice, one year, just to save them from hurt.

i am angry, and it's only the look on our mothers face that keeps me holding my tongue.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD. SERIOUSLY. JUST FUCK OFF.

I can't fucking save you. i can't fucking look after you, i can barely look after myself.

i feel so awful and horrible but right now i just. can't. i can't do it.

[blackbirdfromtheblue]

just. i had such a good day, actually. and i got home and i didn't. i didn't feel miserable. i felt content. happy even.

i just hate people. i want to be left to my thoughts about art and the world and the sky and i want everyone to piss off.