The Bird Flies For A Last Time – With Broken Wings
You might or might not notice it, but I’ve been absent the past few days. I’ve been so heartbroken and in so deep pain I can’t even breath properly. However, I decided to write a possibly last post, mostly to explain why I’m not here, and why I probably won’t be back anymore. Also I might delete it later, I haven’t decided it.
I might do huge mistake with writing this post, but I feel like I need to get these words written down. A part of me wants to scream them, another part of me wants to just swallow them back. I don’t know which one is the actual good decision. If you read this, I’m pretty much sure you’ll all think I’m crazy, a dangerous person who better not to be around there anymore. Maybe you are right. I’m not sure myself anymore.
Anyway, let me tell you the story of the biggest fool of the world.
It all started back then in 2016. I was still following Ryuji, when getting know about his role in Touken Ranbu, I watched a video of their appearance in Music Japan. That was the very first time I saw Mario – and I fell for him the right second.
Since my childhood I’ve always had a strong bond to the blue colour and to the Moon. I could never explain why, but these two things have always been so important to me. Even when I entered kindergarten at the age of 3, the nurse told me “I’ll give you the Crescent Moon as your sign, it fits you!”. (Here kids get a sign for identification in kindergarten, parents have to put this sign on any of the kid’s belongings, such as toys, clothes etc. This is because kids can’t read but can recognise their sign on their things. Moreover, usually they get a car, fruits, little house, heart as their sign. I’ve never met anyone else who got the Crescent as a sign.)
So, to get back to the Music Japan broadcast, since Mario wore blue and a crescent, he immediately got my eyes on him. And since then, I haven’t taken off my eyes – until now.
Another thing I’ve been into since my childhood is spirituality. I noticed I can feel things that possibly will happen, I noticed I can feel a “presence” of someone who isn’t actually there and it makes me restless. Another thing I’ve been into is the dreams. Funny thing: dreams are connected to the Moon.
When I first started to have dreams with Mario, it was still the whole Atsukashi team. Back then I was stanning both Mario and Ryo at the same time, with Ryo having more focus from me – but somehow Mario always got into the picture and I could not stop giving more and more attention to him. The very first dream I had was: Ryo was teaching me a choreography, he wore his Kogi idol costume and it was only him and me there. This was around SRS2016. Not long later I got to know that Mario was too busy that time to attend rehearsals properly, so Ryo stayed there with him to teach him the choreo. With that a thought came to my mind: what if in my sleep I somehow got into Mario’s body, hence I saw Ryo teaching me a choreo? First it was funny to think about this but I didn’t pay more attention. I still didn’t give my full attention to Mario either. Somehow I felt like he might be kinda full of himself and it kept me in a distance. But then, another dream happened: I ran home from a convention crying because I was hurt for my clumsy Mikazuki costume. As I entered the house, Mario and Ryo were coming down on the stairs, they wore their Kogi and Mika costumes. As they saw me, Mario immediately ran to me and hugged me. Mario. Not Ryo. When I woke up, I was still half-asleep and a voice in my head told me “See? He’s not that bad at all.”. That was the moment I decided to change my focus and have it on Mario. And the moment I made this decision, I felt like everything fell to its place. Everything felt right, that things are the way they should be. After that more and more weird dreams happened until I got nearly convinced that these dreams are real, we really meet in this dimension and I’m actually with Mario there. What was even more weird is, that sometimes it seemed like he “responded” to my thoughts. Mostly like, “I wish he’d post” and he did a few minutes later. Or “I feel like drinking coffee”, and not long after it turned out he had coffee. A lot of like that happened, making me more sure that there might be some kind of connection. But I never got fully convinced.
This went on for more than a year. And then, the year of 2018. When it was announced they’ll come to perform in Paris, I immediately started to beg my parents to let me go. But they didn’t want to let me, especially not alone, only if my brother accompanied me. However, for that weekend he already had plans he couldn’t cancel, so I had no choice but to give up with an aching heart. And then, the announcement of Japan Expo was made. Right a week before the actual performance. It felt like a second chance from God. Luckily, my parents let me go with my brother. And I experienced one of the most weird thing in my life. I’ve been talking on and off about that day, but there is something only a few of you know about. Maybe I shouldn’t tell it now either, I don’t know. I’m not sure. I feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. This has always been the memory I treasured the most. Something I always went back to when I felt down or unsure. But now it lost its importance I guess. The pain in my chest doesn’t let me think about with joy anymore anyway. I don’t know what to do from now. Anyway, I decided not to go into full details. The main point is, that something happened what made me think “did he recognise me from the dreams?”. This is a question what probably remains unanswered. Anyway, not long after Japan Expo, there was an interview with him in which he was asked about his ideal female type and he said it’s a girl who wears a white t-shirt, jeans, sneakers and a little necklace. I got totally shocked – because that’s exactly how I was dressed up at the Expo. The white t-shirt thing appeared in his interviews more, once in a 2020 Junon issue he was asked about honeymoon and he said he wants the girl to wear a white t-shirt, and that he has no choice but to go to Paris (!) but he also wants to go to Hawaii so it’d be great if the girl could speak English (!). Imagine how much I gasped reading this.
As time passed, more things happened. It seemed like he “responded” to what I wrote him in my tweets. Not directly of course, just in a kind of hidden way. And the funniest thing is, that it was not me who noticed this first. It was a friend of mine who pointed this out. First I thought nah, why would he. It must be just a coincidence. But more things like this happened, and in a more clear way. He more or less copied what I wrote him. Also the things he did seemed kinda responses too. Like the horse race events and him trying horse riding. I told him many times how important horses and horse riding is to me and I thought he did it because of that. Now it seems I was a bigger fool than I thought. Anyway, things like these piled up, as well as on spiritual side. Like, whenever he was a few days away from appearing on a TV broadcast, I asked him in my mind to wear either a certain type of clothes or a certain colour. I always asked for something different, and 8 times out of 10, he did as I asked. I was always shocked but also happy. Happy because I thought he had his eyes on me, at least in a certain way. I do have to admit I pretty much thought about him in a romantic way. He felt perfect. Someone who I could imagine myself with. I never loved anyone for so long before. Remember it’s been 6 years since I got to know him.
When I heard about the story of the Red Thread of Faith what connects two souls through time and space and never can be cut or torned, I immediately thought we’re bonded by it. It felt right to think and feel so. I told about all of these things to my Russian teacher as well who is an expert in spiritual things. After listening to my story, she said him and I were a married couple in our previous life, hence these things are happening and that’s why I feel like that toward him.
I was so sure I’m on the right path with him.
I told some of you these as well, even more what I don’t want to write down. Partly because too painful to think back on everything and partly because maybe it wouldn’t really be right. Also I could write about 10 pages about what happened during the years, but I don’t want to. Anyway, one of my friends kept supporting me with this. However the other warned me. They said yeah, there might be some kind of connection, but it doesn’t necessarily be romantic. It’s rather like twin flames and that. Also they thought it’s just that him and me think in such a similar way that it feels like he reads my mind etc. Also him doing activities I mention him might be just because I inspire him. I didn’t believe this friend. I wanted to prove them wrong with such a strong will. But couldn’t. They were right. So, so damn right.
I wanted to believe I have a future, with him possibly. I wanted to believe all these are true, I’m right, that I… I can be with him. Maybe, one day. All of the things happening IRL felt like indications that this can happen. That we’re a “match” or something. As I said, I never loved anyone for that long before. Once I had a boyfriend in high school, but I broke up with him after a few months. A few years after we graduated, he died. It’s still shocking. Also after we graduated I had an interest in another boy but he hurt me so we didn’t start to go out. A year later he died as well. It also shocked me badly. Since then, no one – until Mario. Even when I met a guy a few years ago who was kinda sympathetic, I didn’t do anything because I wanted to be devoted to Mario, I wanted to believe the things. All the things happened, all the similar interests, all the similarities in our personalities made it feel like finally I found “that” someone.
It was too nice to be true. He announced his marriage all of a sudden with a 6 years older woman who he’s known for 8 months only (?!?!) and everything fell apart. All my dreams, all my motivations, all of my goals are gone. Maybe my whole life. He was the only source of Light in my life that I could hold onto on the dark days. I held onto him whenever I had certain silly thoughts. Now I have no Light at all. The Red Thread I once thought is there to help me, is on my neck chocking me. The past days I’ve been having strong chest pain, I barely can eat and I’ve lost weight. I can’t sleep what can be fatal for my heart. This pain is just too strong I don’t think I can ever recover from it. It’ll more than likely kill me slowly. The only things I can do now is crying and asking “Why?! Where did I make a mistake?! What did I do wrong?! Didn’t he see all the things I did?! Was I the only one?! Why didn’t he?!”. And another part of me: “Is this some kind of test? That if I stay ‘faithful’ even so?”. It’s foolish to think that isn’t it.
Everything I did here, was for him. Because I loved him. Maybe I still do. A part of me wants to forget him, push him out of my mind, never remember him ever again, throw away all the goods I collected. But it’s not that easy. I can’t let go of him that easily. Something still pulls me back. Why? There is no point anymore, right? I don’t feel like I can be around him, or here in general. If I think of my relationship with the community, it’s like a tree, and he was the roots. But the roots are gone now. Because I was misguided by my childish thoughts, only to be left with pain and shame.
Now as you know my story, first of all, thank you for reading till the end. Feel free to claim me as a fool, a creep, an idiot, feel free to throw bricks at me, laugh or yell at me and call me sick in the mind. It’s probably what you all think anyway.
I think I’ll be gone from now on. I really can’t stay due to the pain and the shame. Maybe, one day I can come back. Maybe, one day I can congratulate him. But not now.
I never meant any harm. Not even now. The very last thing I’d like to ask from all of you: if you read this, please don’t report me to his agency. I’ll be gone on my own anyway.
Lastly, to my friends who have been by my side during the years. I’m not a person of words, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for always supporting and helping me. I won’t forget what you all did for me. Also, I apologise for every harm I caused. I’m sorry for failing you all. I’ll miss the good times we had.
Foolish little bird. You got your wings broken and your feathers ripped out.
Well then. Goodbye. Thank you for everything.
