“Hello friends,
I call you my friends even though many of us have never met and I do this because over the years so many of you have treated me with such kindness and support for my career and life that it feels fitting to address you as though we have known each other forever.
When I was a very young kid I felt certain that I knew what I wanted to do in life and thanks to a combination of hard work, dedication, support and a little bit of luck I have been able to live out my dream on a grand scale and for that I am eternally grateful. One thing however that you are never prepared for is how that dream may effect you personally if you aren’t ready to receive it. First let me start by saying I was a loner growing up and I don’t throw this in here to gain sympathy but rather to explain the “rusty toolbox” I have been working with when it comes to socialization and friendship. Much of my childhood was spent alone in my room drawing, singing, creating and dreaming…this was useful later in life when it came time to set out and make music professionally but certainly left much to be desired when it comes to how I am able to converse or assimilate in group settings or even in one on one contact. I have learned over the years something of a parlor trick to hide this by being over the top and almost playing the part of someone happy to be there or wearing the shroud of comfortability like a safety net over my shoulders. Internally I have always struggled with the concept of belonging. It has guided decisions I’ve made both positive and negative…the quest to be part of the gang.
Hand a child the keys to a corvette and they are likely to drive it into a ditch. Hand a teenager the keys to their dreams, adoration and power and they are likely to act foolishly now and live with the consequences later. This is the reason I am writing you, I wanted to share something about myself with you that I don’t often talk about and speak from the place I am at now…a place of confidence and happiness that I have never experienced before.
You often hear people say the following about an artist they enjoy: “I miss the old them, they used to be so amazing but now they just seem so different.” I think a lot of that can be attributed to the complete lack of reality an artist faces early in their career, at any scale in the beginning all you have is hope and dreams and the joy of what MIGHT happen some day. It’s virtually impossible to retain that youthful joy as you attempt to sift through the waters of success and popularity…doubly so if you deep down inside never feel quite right about it in the first place. When my band found success I was 18 years old, a high school dropout who ran away from home to make it in the big city and if I am honest with you it was also to escape the feeling of emptiness I had amongst those I grew up with in school, my neighborhood, my town etc.
At the time I felt like I was ready to take on anything…and in a way I was, I just didn’t know how I would handle it if that “anything” showed up at my doorstep. Over the next 5 years I would travel the world with my bandmates, play to large numbers of fans and continue to run away from the fear and depression I felt inside. I found a way to mask it that I never thought would be “me” and that was to drink constantly and even on occasion foolishly take recreational drugs. Essentially I’d take on an attitude that wasn’t my true nature…this “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and do whatever the hell I felt like in the moment. This went on for quite awhile and in fact it often seemed easy to play the role of someone else, act now and never think about tomorrow. Embarrassingly I would say things like “I’m not going to live to 30”…so cool right? Wrong. Where this put me emotionally was on a ride that got worse every year and harder to maintain. It put a strain on virtually all of my choices, effected my relationships and eventually led to me losing long tracks of time from my life. They call it a "blackout” because you can’t remember anything and its as if you aren’t there…I think of it nowadays as a black ink mark spread over my life that I am trying like hell to wipe clean but the stain won’t go away and for that I feel sadness constantly. About a year ago I decided it was time to end this cycle and as many of you who have attended shows on my solo tour know I changed my life the way I knew in my heart that I needed to. I became sober, I changed my diet and health choices and I did something that fills me with joy everyday that I wake up…I married my best friend in the world. My life now is much more simple and I love it that way. I have the most incredible wife whom I love more than anything, a dog, a couple of cats, football on sundays and I get to make records and play shows…but now I am doing it with a sense of clarity I never had in my early years. I no longer need to “belong” because I have all I need right here in my house…everything else is a bonus and I am so thankful for that.
I am not writing this to scare you, give you my sob story or make you think differently of me..I am writing you because I care about those who gave me this forum and I think its only right that you know more about my journey to this point and if any of this can help you to stay on a good path in life I will be very happy.
The coming months are full of fun and exciting things for me…a new BVB record is in production, a film I starred in will soon be released, and several other projects will be announced shortly. Life is good when you make it that way and though the demons of yesterday will unfortunately always hang around to fill your mind with that black ink, you can choose to take it and paint a new picture…one of a life worth living and a dream worth fighting for.
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
origamiaround
pixelskylines
vaporwave
stormborns
2087
