sharp tongue, sharper blade

owen lundkvist. 32. weapons enthusiast, monster mediator and professional jerk. part time slayer and dead man

[bladesandtrades]

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[pronounyaoi]

dude stop before i develop a strange and powerful fondness for you

[pizgif]

Boy Kills World (2024)

[highoctanegem]

[pm] [user smiles at this, she loves love]

A lot of people throw the word naive around like a negative thing, which is like, so dumb. Like, excuuuuse me for trying to see the good in things. I'm not the one ruining it for everybody. Feels very victim blamey, imo. But anyway, my point being, it wasn't a failure on your part to believe in someone. You know... Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... also shame on you, actually, how dare you disrespect me like this?

Oh, bud buddy, I'm totally aware I lucked out. She texted me yesterday that the only fluids she wants are mine Isn't that just so Why do you think I'm locking that down ASAP? I already have the ring and all. [user is idle for a moment, then decides to send a picture] Currently being kept safe in one of Emilio's drawers, which hasn't seen a ray of sun in like a decade, I bet.

You're right, probably no in between there. [...] He's like, one of those slayers that checks all the stereotype boxes. Grump and all. I think he'd punch you first on account of going against your You made it sound like you had a playlist for your workout, which is like super smart anyway, you gotta have specific soundtracks for every mood.

Uh huh. Duh! Who doesn't love to dust an evil ol' guy (gender neutral)

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Oh, she fooled me a whole lot more than just the twice Don't you ever get tired of it? Trying to see the good in things? Believing everything was fucking ruthless and hopeless for years, just taking out vamps, not giving a shit, it was so much fucking easier than all of this. Having nothing to lose was easier. [...] Christ, but it is also worse somehow, isn't it? Fuck. Cruel fucking joke.

[user stares at the ring for a while and finds that he really, really wants this to go well for jade, despite his pessimism regarding hunter relationships.] It's pretty, probably? I wouldn't know but knowing you, you chose it with an intense amount of care so she'll love it the same weird, intense amount, I'm guessing.

So you're the odd one out in your family? [...] What, like making a playlist with a bunch of sad fucking songs to listen to when you're sad or some shit? No thanks.

Yeah, the post-dusting will be fucking great, I'll buy you at least a few rounds. Just the whole lead up you seem to be kinda over. Which I would know nothing about, patient as I am with all things.

[luckylockjaw]

[pm] Look at you, all fonchock. Dem wisecracks gonna get you in a heap ah trouble.

Ahahaha, why you got dat boudè lip for, cher? You seemed to like him well enough on dat campin' trip, what changed? Nah, nah, I see full color, I ain't no werewolf (affectionate). And you? You swingin' wildly between green n' red mon cher, you like a Christmas miracle over here. God bless ya.

Nope, not an inch. Coo-we, you're bein' so generous! I'm mighty thankful. Show you just how much soon as you get home. Best be ready.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Exactly where I want to be, then.

That's it, keep riling me up, I see you're not really interested in winning this bet. Calling me a fucking Christmas miracle when I'm about to kick your ass. And I liked the look on your face on the camping trip, tolerated the fact that there was a ranger in the mix.

Thought so. Just a preview of how generous I'm going to be when I sweep this little bet.

[luckylockjaw]

[pm] Mm, mm, sure, but can ya make a roux? [ user does not mean this literally. it's a question wyatt has asked him many times, when he's saying things the user finds unbelievable ]

Awwh, my petit boudessa, is dat jealousy I sense? Is a good color on you. [...] Lessee... You win, you gotta top me, scales n' all. I win, you gotta beg for it. Also you gotta touch up them dark roots of yours. ;)

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Don't need to know, I can charm you into doing it for me. With the use of all my smarts.

I'm not allowed to fucking dislike someone without it being jealousy? You're imagining colors, should get your eyes checked, probably. [....] [user needs a moment or five to collect himself and an impatient customer is asked to fucking wait while this important conversation is prioritised] No budging you on the hair, I'm assuming? [...] Alright, I can work with those terms. Loser is whoever taps out or passes out, whichever comes first? You're allowed a partial shift.

[bladesbounties]

[pm] I am going for the world record of most broken noses in a year, so it's real nice of you to be so helpful and willing

[User thinks this over, and feels herself grow worried: what if this is an ambush? A way for Talia to get close to her? She had sounded believable when she'd said she didn't want to kill Daiyu, but lies tend to do that.] Talia putting you up to this?

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Feel fucking free to reach out for any breaking or wounding needs you might have. You haven't even asked how he's Do you even feel a little bit bad

[highoctanegem]

[pm] [user actually doesn't want credit, she's still thinking she should build a time machine and fix everything] I mean! I'd say it's totes a glow-up! I love Wyatt [user doesn't know about the Eve related horrors], but right. Go on.

[user grimaces as she continues to read, putting two and two together with the rest of the info she had] Yikes doesn't even cover it, babe. I mean, it was real to you, so of course it hurt. Which I'm not even quoting that one meme. What she did doesn't make you pathetic. She obviously exploited something vulnerable and good in you. (No comment on the encore, though)

[...] Every serious relationship I had before Regan ended while I was still fully committed and in love with the other person. I was literally a pro at getting dumped and cheated on. Even if we were crappy partners or maybe too clingy or soggy or like, whatever else, it doesn't mean either of us deserved what those people did to us. [user mostly believes this to be true nowadays, back then not so much]

[...]

Oooh, some real bangers in here. I totally had a Slayer phase too, cause I mean, duh! It's probably a rite of passage for all the hunters. [user is reminded of her brother for a second time] My older bro used to play all this metal stuff. Also, are you sure this is your workout list? What's Closer doing there? Well, I kinda get it. Working out really gets you in the mood.

I still got my mission, yup. I wish I didn't. I wish I could get like, a Jade clone to do it for me. Like the more I wait the more I have to lose And I haven't lost in a while, you know? So what if it's all building up to

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Yeah, I love the bastard too.

[user isn't sure how feels about the commentary. his shitty story has usually only inspired anger or pity, not... whatever this is, taking it as proof that he's not all bad? user wishes jade could have just asked if there was still a fucked up vampire out there to kill, like a normal hunter (which is an oxymoron, really). even though user never thought he was all bad, having personal experience with what he thinks might be true evil, user isn't sure anyone's ever... said it. just like that] I don't know about good. Naive, maybe.

Their fucking loss. Probably not telling you any news here but the way Regan looks at you? I'd say you're pretty damn safe.

Sounds like I'd either really like your brother or want to punch him in the face, no in between. What? No, that's not my workout list because I don't have one, I just put something on and skip whatever fucking sucks for the gym.

Which you're obviously thrilled about.

[highoctanegem]

[pm] I mean, that kinda makes sense, obvi. And yup. Believe it or not, I'm good at handling stuff. It can't get worse than killing h Funny you say that actually My brother used to My eldest bro There's this phrase Onyx used to You hit a diamond and it shatters, you hit jade and it sings Actually I think it was all BS to hype me up [user feels sadness flood her chest as she thinks about her brother] [...] Tell me about your heartbreak, Owen.

He listens to music! I mean, you go to the gym, I'm already judging you for that alone. But fairs, it would be super weird to just hear yourself huffing and puffing. (Not me though, my breathing is very appreciated). [...] What kinda stuff do you listen to? LOL! Are we literally just busting all of Kelly's secrets wide open? I mean I didn't think a kid was a secret. He's soooo cute.

We're doing it for the love of the game, obviously. We don't need the money. I have my copyrighted color, I'll make us rich [user checks how much she's earned this month. She's up to 4 dollars] I could've locked in faster, but when you keep getting put into situations, you kinda lose sight of the mission.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] You are. Could have handled it a lot worse, credit where credit is due and all that. [......] Fine. Well, shacking up with a shifter is actually an upgrade for me, believe it or not. [...] From a vampire, when I was younger and stupider. Or equally stupid as I am now, up for argument. Good fucking rebellion tactic, right? Real Romeo and Juliet bullshit except fucking oops, it was one sided and I was getting played like a fucking idiot for longer than I'll ever be willing to admit and it only ended because she got bored so you know. Not really fond of shouting that piece of pathetic backstory from the rooftops. [.....] And then when she got bored again, she came back to play a bit of blackmail. Because she fucking accurately counted on me not wanting to admit to any of that. And people got killed. [...] And the most fucked up part is even though it wasn't really real it definitely fucking hurt like it was. So there you go.

[..........]

[user links one of many random playlists, none of them are particularly organised or vibe based, it's a mess] [....] Tracks why I got the feeling he was trying to parent all of us. In between the weird innuendos.

I'm sure you will. [...] At least you still got a mission. Never lost sight completely.

[luckylockjaw]

[pm] You oughtta think about things for more den five seconds more often, darlin'.

We'll see about dat.

Wow, can't even say his name? Yikes. [...] Mmmm, I might. Maybe this whoop ass match gonna have some strings attached, huh?

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Oh, you don't want me using all of my brain power, babe, I'd be light years ahead. [user is aware they're both distinctively dumb in their own special ways] 

Suppose we will.

I would, it just totally slipped my mind. So irrelevant. [...] I'm listening. And I'm definitely not going easy on you in that case.

[luckylockjaw]

[pm] Gasp! A compliment, and in writin'. I'm takin' screenshots.

I am. Among other things.

Clearly it did. (See above) ;) [...] I fought extremely clean, sir. I'm allowed to be naked in my own house. You don't like dem rules, you oughtta bring it up next bet.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] You wanna immortalize the fact that you beg pretty, that's on you. And really not that surprising now that I spend more than five seconds thinking on it.

If you win. Which you'll only do if I go easy on you.

Two entirely unrelated things. Absolutely nothing clean about that. Or you conveniently forgetting how you hinted at visiting [...] that ranger to deal with your pent up energy. Definitely making more rules for the next bet. [...] Why, you got new ideas?

[luckylockjaw]

[pm] Don't make me beg!

For once, he says! You gonna regret them words.

Booooooo hisssssss that's sooooo lame of you. But also, I don't think you're thinking that through too good, cuz you know how good I got you wrapped around my finger especially in person. Oughtta be reminded of dat every time you look in de mirror and see them cute lil blond tufts of yours.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] But you do it so well.

He said it and he stands by it. You gonna make me eat my words?

Wow, you know what, the hissing has toootally changed my mind, how right you are. [...] Those are only because you fought dirty. I am very strong willed, actually.

[highoctanegem]

[pm] That's what I mean! My stories can be totally made up and still relatable. Mmm, I knew it. Thirty years a soggy mess? That heart had no chance of staying intact. What, I can't buy your secrets? I have your brace Would that I could tell you all about my heartbreaks. I've had tons, actually. Weirdly enough, the more you love, the more you get played.

Ugh, you've never used music as a pick-me-up? Life sucks and music makes it a little bit better, type of deal? You have to listen to music at least. [user thinks for a moment, about the possibility of starting over with Owen. What it'd be to just know him as a person first]. Who knows, I messaged him about it anyway, cause it's exciting. But I get that he probably stepped down from hunting since he had a kid recently.

Decomposition lovers, why, of course! And also, the people I'm gonna force to visit. [...] Like three years, but Fully locked in? Since like, the start of the year. I mean, whatever info you can get me on newish clans in town that are particularly elusive and secretive about where they meet up, that's a good place to start thinning the herd. I figure, this level of hush hush doesn't come without good allies. And you're all about In this mediation business I'm guessing you're running into some well connected folks [...] Thank you.

I have your

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] You don't know what you're [user remembers he's actually trying to win jade back. user feels bad about properly admitting that fact because it means there's something to lose if he fails. user suspects he'll fail] It's been fucked for a while. [....] You sure you can handle more secrets? Hmm. [...] Trying to avoid it isn't a super successful thing either.

I listen to music. You think I go to the gym in complete silence like a sociopath? [....] A kid?

Ah, right. Sounds like you'll be raking in cash. Long time for a single hunt, fucking sucks. I know a person or two. I'll let you know if I hear anything suspicious. [...] Don't mention it.

[technowarden]

[pm] I agree. I don't think these lessons are productive right now, there are more efficient uses of both our times. I'm not upset, I do understand why you're struggling, and I am grateful for your help so far, but it is time for me to graduate.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Oh, you understand? That's a fucking relief, I thought you were just perfectly fine with tying your life to Wyatt's like the fucking noose you helped me slip out of a few years ago but good to know that you're not upset Why the fuck won't you just talk to me like a person, Wyatt fucked up but I carved a fucking name off of your skin [...] Great. No ceremony included. Don't get yourself killed like an idiot.

[technowarden]

[pm] There's lashing out and there's lashing out. Even for you, we're setting the bar too low if it only counts as lashing out if you try to kill me.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Even for me, huh? I thought the bar was low for you to show any sort of emotion but you managed to surpass that If my temper is bothering you so much, maybe you should find someone else who's willing to tolerate you deal with you.

[luckylockjaw]

[pm] Dat's a good boy.

Can't believe you'd accuse me of gaslighting, I ain't never done such a thing, I'm a damn angel. [...] Oh it's like dat, huh? Fine, you got a deal.

Really had me in the first half, there. Thought you was about to say somethin' nice 'bout me. Shoulda known! [...] [ user doesn't believe that for a second ] Sure we will.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] Fuck you. [user is definitely not smiling] 

Mmmmmmhm. You're a damn something, alright. It is like that. I'll put away the matches, then. Might even go easy on you, let you win for once.

You have enough written evidence of me saying nice shit, you're not getting any more. Need to charm me in person if you're lacking. [user is not convinced] Good.

[bladesbounties]

[pm] We'll never know, I guess... Aw, you'd wait until it was healed? That's so considerate of you.

[bladesandtrades]

[pm] No fun in breaking it if it's already broken. Think catching it just as the swelling is finally starting to go down is the perfect timing, so just a few more days now.