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The strain on my brain is starting to be unbearable
My life is one, sick, twisted game
I feel the longing and desire
I want to see blood, everywhere blood
PAINT THE WORLD RED
He would want it like that
I must make him proud to call me his Harley Quinn
They only see me smiling on the outside
What they don’t know is that I’m not always smiling on the inside
I cry black tears, but I bleed red blood
What am I?
A FREAK?
The voices keep telling me things
They fight with each other and with me
A big tug-of-war
I am she, she is me, she is also me, he is he, but she is not she and I am not he
My core feels like it’s gonna EXPLODE
Something is there that has not been there before but has existed there and hasn’t been back in quite a while
Hardly anyone understands this pain and SUFFERING
A string has been tied to my limbs
Most people don’t have “the potential”
How could they?
They’re 100% SANE
They can’t know the feeling of not knowing if one’s self is a pawn, that the weight of the air is TORTURE, that no matter how hard you bang against the white padded walls, you can’t escpe, especially when you realize your arms are in a fucking STRAITJACKET
So much a curse as it is a gift
Insanity is the only true clarity
What happens when two come together and the mentality of one is questioned by the other?
I mean this both ways
What if one was a bit overwhelmed or surprised by the extreme and compulsive obsessiveness of the other, and in that reaction, the other in turn was beginning to worry that she was the more psychotic?
What if she secretly hoped that HE would happen to be the more insane and unstable one?
What if she wanted to be shown up by more psychotic and hellish ideas than the ones she forms in her mind everyday?
What if, for a change, she could actually be UNDERSTOOD?
She only ever wanted to find her match, her perfect soul to share, her Mr. J
She knew he would be perfect in all his imperfections
There would be pain , would be hurt; she knew that
And within the abuse and psychosis and chaos that…
THAT’S where she finds love
This may seem to the sane a most bizarre method of finding their one and only
Then again, she isn’t exactly the definition of “normal” or “sane”
All she ever wanted was to find HIM
Love HIM
Share insanity with HIM
Learn from HIM
Spread chaos with HIM
But ultimately?
To have him be able to know, understand, and warp her thoughts
The sad fact?
She would let it happen
To butt out the auto-pilot and let him CONTROL
There’s no escaping what’s inside you
I learned that when I let IT take over
Not only is hell in my mind, it’s everywhere I go
Reality chooses to ignore it, but I know it’s there
It’s ALWAYS there, whether you choose to believe it or not
If you have IT, then you see it
That’s why so many people are oblivious, the sane ones
They’re disgusting
So stupidly ignorant and blinded to the fact that is staring right into their dumbass eyeballs!!!
And yet, they’ll never be able to know because their brains prevent it from happening
It makes it so much more satisfying to smash their skulls or pump their guts with lead
You see, IT chooses you before you’re even born
All you have to do is find it and ACCEPT IT INTO YOUR BEING
But when you think there must be someone, ANYONE, out there who’s just like you, you’re always brough back to
ISOLATION
As as it suggests, it gets...so...lonely
Sure, you’re separated from the rest of the world
The only true world is in your head
Reality is just a buncha fakers
But your mind is also separated
At first, it’s interesting, messing with your psyche...until it begins to TORTURE you
Especially when no one knows but you, it’s hard
REAL. FUCKING. HARD.
No one to turn to...THAT, my dear risky reader, is true hell
