it's been a decade since the last time I remember talking to you
the most frustrating thing i'll have to live with is that i'll never get any form of closure. it hasn't happened in the last decade and it sure as fuck is never going to happen in the next decade. i've accepted that, but that doesn't mean that i like it.
it's absolutely wild to think that this past september marked ten whole years since i started this tumblr, and it's absolutely wilder to be sure that this will most likely be the final post i write to this...whatever this was. i barely even post anything that resembles a good shitpost, much less reblog anything at all in the last three years.
no more birthday posts of the same old shit that's equal parts frustrating and demoralizing.
no more funny music things because it's been six years since I finished grad school a broken man who never got anywhere close to getting a foot in the door to some career in music.
but the thing is, it's not like i can blame anyone in particular for all of this. i was the one who didn't do shit to change anything, and because of that, I've regretted not having done more for myself over the last few years. I'm kicking myself for not having invested in any of my friendships and will forever be apologizing to anyone and everyone I've let down.
I haven't had any nightmares that involve the one who I'll never get to read the back cover with, for what seems like a long while now. in some ways, I think I'm actually ready to move on now, and I'm much more certain about that now than I ever have in the last decade of huffing copium.
i don't know if i'll ever be okay. i don't think i'll ever be okay. but that's just gonna have to be okay whether i like it or not.
and if i die never being happy again? fine.
