.meh.

[blasphemousnotes]

January 31, 2024

this is my secret

My space that I use to let go

It's easily found if you know the words to use

But I'm a no body

A Jane doe

A forgotten face in the crowd

Too distant from those close

For them to realize I'm drowning

Drowning in two inches of turbulence

Trying to crawl for the surface

Breathing through my nose that's just breaking the surface

Water coming in

And my last gasp of air going out

Floating to the salt water floor

My body goes unknown

My name forgotten in the wind of the storm

[blasphemousnotes]

theyre going through more than both of us

but you don't know

The daily struggle to keep myself a float

You don't know the fight inside of me

Or the anger that floats just beneath the surface waiting to explode

You don't know the years of abuse

Or the countless number of people who have tried to stop my breathing

You have no idea that everyday I smile so I don't destroy

You have no idea the loneliness

Or the hatred

That I sit with everyday

You don't know that I hate myself

You don't know how close I've been to ending it

Or that I live for only the few

They might show that they have more

But I'm an iceberg sitting in the artic

Seemingly unimposing

But able to destroy all that get too close

You don't know

She might have more going on than both of us

But this rage goes deeper than all of us

[blasphemousnotes]

I wish you saw anything in me besides my weakness

[blasphemousnotes]

Yesterday you told me that I didn't deserve to be with you

And today I left

Because I can't stand to be somewhere I'm not wanted

[blasphemousnotes]

I'd wrap my car around a tree if it wasn't so socially unacceptable

[blasphemousnotes]

I'm never going to be good enough

And when you realize it

You'll walk away

It's okay

I knew it was coming at least

[blasphemousnotes]

Fucking Christ

[blasphemousnotes]

I don't like myself today

I looked for therapist and I feel completely let down

How can I ever expect anyone to get it

I don't like myself today

[blasphemousnotes]

I feel so small after intimate moments with you

When I'm covered in our filth

I feel so weak

As my legs tremble like fawn taking it's first steps

I'm so embarrassed by the way I begged you

My cheeks still flush and hot from your stinging kisses

I feel so alone after those rough moments with you

As the bruises settle in like leftover thumbs prints on peach

[blasphemousnotes]

Your space leaves a hole like no other

[blasphemousnotes]

I hate this feeling inside of my chest

Like I can't breathe

And the air is being suffocated from the room by fire

My lungs are burning

And my throat is raspy

As the words "I love you"

Become lodged in my throat like an unwanted fish bone

I hate this feeling inside my chest

Like I'll never know rest

And I'll never know calm again

My mind is racing

As the longing to hold you again intensifies

Because the peace I knew walked out with you.

I hate this feeling in chest

Like the civil unrest that floods the streets

My body aches and sways

As the memories of what was come crashing in

Because the dam that kept them calm dissolved when you forgot my name

[blasphemousnotes]

I want to put your throat under the sole of my boot

[blasphemousnotes]

The world is calm

But the tremble in the air continues

Everything thickens

The chime of the early autumn crickets heightens

The smog forms

Every thing ceases

[blasphemousnotes]

I'm so tired tonight

I know the morning will come soon enough

But right now

It's exhausting just to breathe

Everyone is suffering

And I'm not sure how to express I'm scared

Everyone will judge

[blasphemousnotes]

I hate myself lately

Nothing I do is right

Nothing works

I bother everyone I'm around

I'm constantly remembering everyone I've let down

I don't want to die

I just wish I never existed

[blasphemousnotes]

I shared a picture of us today

You made a comment about how if it was anyone else it wouldn't be okay

I got insecure and thought I should delete it

I had to say something about it for you to like it

I guess it doesn't matter

A hundred people liked it

A hundred people were happy about the idea of me finding love

I found another girl's underwear in your pillow case

I was just trying to be nice and have you come home to clean sheets and blankets

I guess it doesn't matter

I put them back where I found them

I shared a picture of us to today

I wish I had the balls to delete it

[blasphemousnotes]

The world stops when I'm with you and it's the scariest thing being lost in the moment while the world spins by.