⋮ — A HOUSE IN NEBRASKA .ᐟ
[ JUD DUPLENTICY ] && fem!reader
† — LOOSELY INSPIRED BY 'FLEABAG' (2016-2019). jud was yours before he was god's, and you never forgave him for leaving you behind. he lived in your thoughts every day after he left. arriving in chimney rock, unknowing he was there, his life gets flipped upside down by you—and he welcomes it.
† — cw .ᐟ 8k words. 18+. yearning!reader. smut. death ( the man jud killed in the ring ). religious themes. blood. grief. abandonment. angst. unprotected p in v.
† — notes .ᐟ wowie. didn't expect my first fic in 4 months to be 8k words but um.. hi i guess!! reblogs && feedback in my inbox are always welcomed <3
you and me against the world, you were my man and i your girl
jud was everything. your everything. the one constant in your life, the never changing part of your being. you met young, wrapped up in messes that merged together and became one.
you spent every weekend watching him in the ring, cheering him on and tidying up his wounds after the fact. the two of you hidden away in makeshift gyms, cuddled up on tattered sofas—concealing yourselves from the outside world.
jud always said the best thing about him, was you. the best decision he ever made was asking you to be his. knowing you were the girl looking after him, seeing you from his corner of the ring—it was the only thing that ever brought him comfort.
no bruise was ever too much for you, no amount of blood to clean up ever pushed you away, didn't matter how many punches he threw. you stuck by him, with a soft hand and chaste kiss to his swollen lips.
that was love. the only pure love he'd ever known. the only love he could ever want, was the love he felt from you.
where you told me even if we died tonight, that i'd die yours
that love never shifted, not from you, anyway. he may have thought so, convinced himself so—but that feeling in your heart never shifted.
his eyes fell straight to you when the body dropped, when the light left his eyes. when the room realised. it wasn't guilt that hit him first, it was fear. he was petrified that his action had cast himself out of your heart. that you'd see him as the monster he truly believed himself to be inside.
jud saw the look in your eyes, how your breathing slowed—how you wouldn't look at him. he needed your eyes, desperately needed your comfort. to run to him and promise him that everything would be okay.
he stood frozen, as the chaos followed. his chest heaving, eyes unmoving from you as people rushed the ring. frantic calls for help, the beat of chest compressions ringing in his ears as he dared look in his direction. the body of the man laid still, eyes closed and bruised. blood beginning to dry around his lips.
the body was rushed into the ambulance, but everyone knew it was too late—jud included. he knew as his punch landed, that was the end of his opponent. the fight was over, and he'd never fight again.
the room emptied, the sole light left highlighting the ring. the drops of blood littering the floor. only jud left in the ring, gloves still on and you. tentatively meeting him there.
crouching down to his height, his body small as he sat. head dropped against his knees, arms wrapped around his shins. his guilt beginning to eat him alive.
the guilt of him, of you. of what he was losing as the minutes passed. every second he lived, and his opponent didn't, he was losing you—he knew it.
the smell of death lingered in the air as your hands, gentle as always, landed on his biceps. his eyes moved up slowly, bloodshot and broken.
"it's my fault," he whispers, words choking out. he knows you can't deny it, and you know you shouldn't. it would be lies, to tell him it wasn't. because it was.
it was his fault he died. it was the one thing jud couldn't fight, only accept. he had killed a man. whether it be purposeful or not, he was capable. the hatred in his heart had spilled, and took a life with it.
"he had family, a mother, i'm sure. sisters, maybe. a wife even," jud murmurs, fists still curled beneath his boxing gloves. "people that will miss him, mourn him."
there's nothing you can say, nothing to argue against. nothing at all to bring him any comfort.
"if it was me, no one would notice. no one but you," he continues, his words aren't meant to be sad—just true. the words aren't an insult, either. not meant to harm you, if anything he's trying to explain his appreciation for you. his love.
"if we died tonight, it would just be us."
your own eyes begin to well, that statement would usually bring peace to you. knowing you always had him, no matter what were to happen. but you could already feel him withdrawing.
"even if we died tonight," jud repeats. "you'd die mine."
then the day came and you were up and gone
you awoke alone, for the first time in a year. cold and alone on that ripped leather couch at the back of the makeshift gym. jud's things were gone, no note—no anything. just gone.
it had been a month since his last night in the ring, but his soul left you that night. he'd been a walking corpse, carrying guilt with every step.
you'd been alone for a month with him, only now he wasn't here to hold you at night on that battered sofa. your boy was gone, no longer there to occupy the empty space. your safe haven disappeared the night he drew blood, but only now did you really feel the difference. with no man to hold, your man had disappeared into the night.
your love long gone, his place in your heart stayed the same. never shifting, despite the betrayal you felt as you sat alone praying for his return. you knew he wasn't coming back.
but god, i just hope you're doing fine out there, i just pray that you're alright
a year had passed. you hadn't heard from him, not that you expected to. you stayed, hoping—praying that you'd hear something. see something of him, find him back in the ring one night.
you found yourself praying a lot, for jud. for his peace, for his safety. you never did much when you were together, it never seemed important then. but now, it was your only salvation.
you were alone most of your days, apart from the odd boxer that would pass through. old friends of jud's, or those who knew of him. they'd use the space for a few days and move on. but you stayed, in that place you still called home.
in the dead of night you'd cry. wake up petrified that something had happened to him. that he was hurt somewhere out there, all alone and broken.
that was always what hurt you most, knowing he was alone. not a soul in the world that understood him, not like you. no one that would mourn him, miss him.
you wondered if anyone knew him anymore. if he was different, if he had learned to live with what had happened. if he still grieved, if he was still guilty. if he thought of you.
when, really, i'd kill myself to hold you one more time
it was years later when you finally moved on. not from him, but from your home. the place you both called home.
as pathetic as you felt, he still lived with you there. the ring was the last place you'd known him, felt him—been loved by him. you were sure he didn't think of you anymore. why would he? it had been years since he left. you didn't even know if he was still breathing.
you upped and left, as he did. in the dead of night. packed a bag, pulled together all the money you had stashed in the beaten up sofa and hit the road.
you didn't have a place to go, you just drove. drove and drove until your car gave out. the early morning sun was threatening to break as your car stopped. in some small town that you couldn't find on your map.
the stained glass windows of the local church were a welcome change of pace to view from your drivers seat. you found peace somehow, in your broken down car, with no one to find and no place to go. that the building welcomed you somehow, with no word or reason.
you found yourself thinking of him again. as small drops of rain landed on your windshield, with leaks of sun breaking through the clouds, you thought of your jud.
with peace, came jud. the two came hand in hand. the feeling always reminded you of him. the only person to ever bring you that feeling, that comfort. somehow, it felt foreign to feel peace without thinking of the one who taught it to you.
you barely realised there were tears falling from your eyes, dripping slowly down your cheeks. the feeling overwhelmed you somehow, more than it had in awhile. the need for him. the desperation in your chest to hold him just once more.
it felt like betrayal almost, to have finally left the ring behind. despite the time passed since his departure, you felt wrong. engulfed in the feeling of fear, what if he'd gone back, and you'd left?
the rain fell harder, echoing against the glass. it comforted you somehow. you'd been in that dark gym for too long. as the sun broke through the rain clouds, hitting the stained glass of the quaint church you'd found yourself at, you felt peace. without jud.
i thought that you were so beautiful, it was love, i guess
you settled. in that quiet town. made yourself comfortable, with the money you'd stashed. didn't bother fixing your car, but found a small place to rent. with windows, big windows.
too used to the loneliness you'd grown accustomed to to venture out. too separate from the town to insert yourself into it fully. slowly, but softly growing open.
the church was becoming your safe place—not during service, you'd not ventured that far yet. but the grounds, the quiet hours were the pews were empty. you went to pray, to think, to write. to ground yourself.
you were distracted when you heard the murmurs, focused on the thoughts in your mind. you didn't pay mind to the voices, figured it be fellow church goers or staff working on the grounds.
you saw the grand vestment in the corner of your eye, the white robe and stole looked almost royal from the distance you were looking. the priest entered to the chancel of the church, his back turned and busy talking to a middle aged woman accompanying him.
it's the first you've seen him, always too nervous he'd play priest and attempt to talk to you in your lonely visits to his place of worship. he looked young for a priest, from what you could see of him. the black curls sticking out over his collar.
you can't hear their words, not that you were necessarily interested—more curious. but your whole body tenses as he turns.
there he is. your boy. your jud. just not as you once knew him. he looks better, no longer broken. as though the grief has left him, the guilt no longer on his shoulders.
you want to run, not from fear—from embarrassment. you were still just as broken as you were when he left, still the same mess you were when you were both young. you still had one foot in that dump you called home.
and there was he, the perfect picture of holiness. the presentation of god's image. leading his own church, as though he was made to. as though he was born to. he looked the image of beauty, as he always did, but he held it different.
he wasn't the beautiful boy you had to fix, not the fighter whose cuts you'd tend to after boxing matches. jud didn't need anyone to comfort him any more, that was his job now.
jud spots you as you stand in the pew, hoping for a secret getaway. too scared he wouldn't even recognise you. or worse, would and ignore you.
"excuse me," he mutters quickly to louise, ignoring her following words to rush down the aisle. his heart going a mile a minute. "wait—please, wait."
his words stop your feet, eyes fluttering shut as you reach the door. back to him, deciding between walking out and turning to him. you turn, and the air enters your lungs for the first time since he left.
"you're—hi, wow—" his words are whispers, as jud struggles to keep his hands from reaching out to hold yours. "what are—you're—i'm so sorry."
his throat bobs, bottom lip trembles. you and he both know he's holding back a mountain of tears. he can't stop his hands as they move, slowly grasping your own in his. thumbs softly stroking the back of your hand.
"i should never have left you like that, i was mean. i was just so scared, baby, i couldn't—" he gulps, the pet name slipping from his lips so easily. too easily. he'll be saying five hail mary's tonight for that alone. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that—i'm so—i didn't think i'd ever see you again."
his eyes grow red and glassy, and he's all too aware of his position in the church in this current moment. his vestment upon his body, in the building in which he is named father. with his hands in those of the one he loved. the fear of sin creeps over him, but you're here. in his view again, and that's all he can focus on right now.
"jud, i didn't know," you begin, with eyes washing over his garment. he softly nods, with his bottom lip between his teeth. the words sit silent between you, acknowledging his position and the path he chose to follow.
"are you happy?" you ask him, your own eyes the ones growing glassy now. almost scared of his answer, because either way he responds would somehow upset you.
"i am, i was—i am," he murmurs, with a soft squeeze to your hands.
he is happy. jud adores his position, in this church now specifically. after all the drama all those months ago, now he's settled in chimney rock. grown his community, grown the church—doing god's work.
but it's hard to admit that with his past staring him in the eyes. his one damned temptation before him. the whisper of sin in the back of his head every night.
it's impossible to not consider if he made the right decision when you're here. holding his hands again, bringing him the same comfort in his body, the same feeling in his chest he felt all those years ago.
he never questioned god, never since joining the church. truly believed his plan was clear, and everything jud encountered was laid out for him by god. he knew he should be viewing this as a test from him, but you were so much more than that.
you were life before he knew how to live. you were love that he'd never felt. you were comfort, support, peace—you were god, before he found him.
"good, i'm glad, jud," you murmur, breathing uneven and hands still in his. "i always thought of you." you admit, before you can stop yourself.
his eyes truly start to tear, wet droplets fall to his cheeks. his heart breaks, he can tell you mean it. you're not saying it out of courtesy, but because it's true. his guilt returns, and every decision is suddenly doubted.
because he's here, looking at you, and he feels like home again.
where the world was empty, save you and i
you were slow to return to the church, knowing he'd be there. it hurt to see him like that. hurt more to see him happy, as much as you hated to admit. you missed him broken—as you knew him. when he was someone to heal.
it was sunday when you finally returned. sitting quietly at the back of service, watching him deliver his sermon. he was so passionate, he spoke with his heart. it was tearing yours open.
jud spoke of love, of acceptance. jesus' journey to redemption, and the journey we all are on as his disciples. it felt apt. his eyes met yours through the filled pews often, his gaze always softening when he looked in your direction. if he was being honest, his words were for you, selfishly using his service to speak directly to you—through god's teachings.
as the space emptied, you waited. stayed in your pew, until the last person exited the church. the silence hung heavy in the air, as jud removed his vestment. rolling up the black sleeves of his shirt, repositioning his dog collar to it's perfect place.
you could see his old tattoo poking out, faded but unhiding. unashamed almost. the angel and the devil. in his old life, his angel was named after you. the devil himself in his mind. you wondered if he still thought that.
"you came back." he smiled gently, leaning against the pew in front of you. his arms softly crossed against his chest, veins popping in the way they used to during his fights. you wondered when the last time he threw a punch was.
"wanted to see you in your new element." you smile back, and think it may be the first time you've smiled since before he left. he huffs out a breath, eyes boring into your soul. you wondered if he even wanted you there at all.
"wanna take a walk?" jud asks softly, as you nod gently in return.
the church grounds were small, but beautiful. you'd walked the grounds multiple times, but it was different with him. the air felt fresher, the grass greener, the sun brighter.
jud tells you the story of his journey to the church, finding himself at the steps of a church in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night months after leaving. desperate for salvation, as though god brought him there to receive the help he needed. the church got him through his guilt, his shame over his actions. worked with him through prayer and teachings, no longer fighting. even if he was known to still throw the odd punch at some ass who deserved it.
"that's how you ended up here?" you smile, a soft laugh escaping you. "for punching a deacon?"
"yeah," jud nods, smile on his face as he walks. hands behind his back, as he looks to you on his right. "he deserved it, and even if i didn't think it at the time, i'm happy here. this is where i'm meant to be."
you weren't sure you'd ever know where you meant to be. where you were destined to be. but you do know something brought you here, to him. whether it be fate, or god, or just dumb luck that your car gave in here.
"and here you are." jud adds, with a smile and sad eyes. his shoulder softly bumping yours before he sits down on the old wooden bench.
"here i am," you smile gently, joining him on the bench. "somehow."
his breath hitches as your thigh touches his. the closest he's been to, well anyone, in years. memories of you flood his brain. how he used to touch you. how your skin felt beneath his fingers.
"am i allowed to say that i missed you?" he asks softly, fingers sliding over his knuckles where his hands sit in his lap. jud slowly looks to you, not moving his leg from where it's touching yours.
"what would god say?" you murmur, attempting to cut through the tension with half a smirk.
"i'd hope he's not listening right now." jud whispers, smirk matching your own before it dissipates. his eyes demand yours, as they always seemed to do. almost distracting you as his hand slowly moves to your thigh. he rests it there—testing, himself and you.
"i mean it," he murmurs, with a soft squeeze to your skin. "leaving you was the hardest thing i've ever done." his lip wombles with his words, and his hand on you becomes a lifeline. grounding him.
"i never left," you whisper, embarrassed to admit the truth. "until now, until i arrived here. i stayed there, praying you'd come back."
"praying?" jud gulps, the language from your lips feels like sin in the holy grounds.
"praying," you nod, as you see the darkening within his pupils. "that you'd find your way back to me. that you were safe."
his heart aches, but his mind is a warzone. his thoughts are reverting to those he had ignored for years since joining the church. outside his church of all places, with his hand glued to your thigh.
"and it was you, who found your way to me." he whispers, and right now he doesn't know if he's grateful or entirely wrong for wanting you here with him.
your hand slowly moves, up to his face. tracing down his cheek to land on his neck, your hand resting upon his fading tattoo. jud's eyes flutter at the sensation. he's cursing himself for chasing the feeling, but he'd simply die if you moved your hand from his skin.
"i can't," he whispers, eyes closing as air leaves his lungs. "you know that i can't."
"i'm not asking anything of you, jud," you speak, voice barely audible.
"i wish you were."
where i needed you, and i need you still
jud was struggling. finding it harder to lie to himself that you being here in chimney rock wasn't tearing his whole world apart. he'd find himself on his knees at the edge of his bed every night, praying for hours for direction. for a sign that he was strong enough to get through this.
but the more he saw you, the weaker he became. he was doing things he shouldn't. locking his door at night for unholy reasons. five hail mary's and a prayer of forgiveness every time he would commit sin.
your name upon his lips was the reason for his undoing. the word would echo around the room, taunt him. floating lust following him from day to day, waiting for him in the silence.
he welcomed it. that was the worst thing. that was his downfall. jud allowed those thoughts to echo in his mind. fantasised about nights he used to share with you, on that dirty mattress on the floor in his old gym.
jud was a good priest. he wasn't like this. he didn't allow perverted thoughts to surround himself, not in typical situations. before you arrived, he could count on one hand the amount of times he'd allowed himself to indulge. that number has more than doubled since you arrived in town. he was growing desperate, for more relief than he could give himself.
he'd caved and opened the hidden bottle of whiskey the night you arrived. poured himself a small glass, enough to indulge but small enough to forgive.
jud had barely had a sip before the knock arrived at the door. he set the glass down in the living space, before opening the door. still in his dog collar and black shirt, as his eyes landed on you.
"i'm sorry, i just—i wanted to see you." you admit, suddenly shy at his doorstep. regretful in your decision to arrive unannounced in the late evening.
"that's okay," jud nodded softly, moving his body to allow you into his space. you'd been here before, for bible study and his book club. but never alone. never when the house was haunted by just the two of you.
"i was just, uhm," he scratches the back of his head as he closes the door. picking up his small glass of whiskey as the two of you stand in the space together. "you want one?"
bad decision. he knows it, you know it. god definitely knows it.
with your nod, jud pours you your own. eyes boring into each others as you both gently take a sip. it wasn't your intention when arriving tonight, subconsciously possibly, but you'd never create this tension with jud purposefully.
you respected his faith, his choice and his position in the church. but the energy in the room felt different tonight. whether it was you, or him, you didn't know. but you were struggling to fight it, jud worse.
he was craving it, creating it almost. waiting for the ball to drop and an excuse to lose himself in you.
"jud?" you whisper, with the air growing thick. his irises blown out with lust, a familiar look in his eyes. the whiskey lines his throat before he sets the glass down, he doesn't answer your whispered call of his name. only removes the glass from your hand and sets it down next to his.
"jud?" you repeat, lip between your teeth as you watch him. his fingers ghost over your cheek, through the hairs on your hairline. he's quiet still, eyes focusing on the way your chest is rising and falling.
"father?" the word on your lips is his annihilation.
his hands grasp your cheeks, forcing your head up toward his, moving his lips onto yours before you can think. his eyes roll back behind his lids as jud melts into the kiss. his whole body alight as his tongue licks inside your mouth.
you dared stop him, not when you were getting everything you wished your life for in this exact moment. his lips felt like coming home, your hands moved up into his hair in the same way you always used to.
he parts from you, breathless and desperate for more. you can see it in him, feel in the way his hands move down to your waist. pulling your body closer into his.
"jud, you're—" a priest. you speak, cut off with a soft shush from his mouth. his head shakes, heart beating out of his chest as he ignores your respect for his position.
he'd give up everything right now, if it meant he could have you just once more.
"i don't care," jud whispers, as he slowly plucks the white collar out from his shirt. the material falls to the floor, floats down like a feather.
"please," he begs. "let me live in sin for the night."
you couldn't deny him—not in that tone from the mouth of the only boy you've ever loved.
you moved slowly, fingers opening the buttons of his shirt. his breath hitched as you worked down from his collar to the final button. sliding the black material down his arms, seeing the further faded tattoos littering his skin.
jud shuddered as you touched him, nails lightly scratching down his chest. his own hands slide below your shirt, pushing it up and over your head.
he's more desperate than he's ever known. his pants grew tight the second you walked through the door, let alone with his hands on your bare skin.
"jesus christ," he mutters, damn near drooling at the sight of you. his lips find yours again, fingers fiddling with the hook of your bra before it falls down your arms.
jud can't think. his brain is flooded with the feeling of you against him. your bare skin against his own, fueling his senses and giving him everything he's wanted since you arrived in town.
his tongue against yours is pure sin, and jud wants to taste it over and over again. his hands fumble with the zipper of your jeans, as he dips below the fabric. his fingers slide into the lace of your panties, through the wetness of your heat.
jud all but whimpers into your mouth at the feel of you, the warmth. his fingertips meet your bundle of your nerves, hands grasping ahold of his shoulders to keep you steady.
it's almost muscle memory, the way in which he's touching you, in all the ways he used to. eliciting echos of moans from you, captured by his mouth.
your hips move in rhythm with his fingers, before he moves. jud slowly pushes two fingers inside you, his head falling back with a groan as he does. the way your body welcomed him, all but sucked his fingers into you.
"god," he moans, fingers moving slowly inside your sex. grinding your clit against the bump of his palm as he guided your hips. jud knows he's not going to last long once he's touched by you, feels himself inside of you. but watching the contort of your face, the sound of your moans, the wetness on his fingers—he's scared he's going to finish before he's even started.
your body convulses as he works you over the edge, holding onto him for dear life. his eyes roll into the back of his head as he tastes you on his fingers, licking up every drop of you on his skin.
you know you should stop, to protect his faith—but he wasn't protesting. wasn't showing any signs of wanting this to end here. if anything, it was you that was more concerned than he.
his fingers move to undo his pants, pushing the material down to his ankles before stepping out of the fabric. his hands are back around your waist after the fact, kissing at your lips as he discards your jeans and panties to the floor.
he's kissing you to the couch, his body dropping down to sit with you in his lap. he can feel you against his hardness, with your thighs either side of his knees. jud can't help but buck his hips up against you.
"you are so beautiful," he whispers, moving your hair back behind your shoulders. his lips cascade down your neck to your shoulders, littering your chest with soft open mouthed kisses.
jud is so hard it's painful, and as your hand reaches between the two of you to touch him he thinks he might explode. wrapping your hand around his shaft, slowly pumping his length.
his breath hitches, head falling back against the couch. his eyes half lidded and stuck on you. "don't ever stop touching me," jud breathes out, all need and desperation. "please, never." your eyes on his feel like a promise. silenting agreeing with his plea.
lifting your hips up slowly, you position his member beneath you and sink. your arms hook around his neck as you moan out his name.
"holy shit," he groans, hands tightening on your hips. "you feel like heaven."
his hips move to meet yours, moving together in perfect rhythm. your moans together echo around the sacred space, and jud thinks he could die happy here below you.
the lingering thought of sin festers in the back of his mind, with every thrust up into your cunt. the pushed away feeling burrows into his brain, but he can't deny he'd sin over and over if sin looked as pretty as you did sat on his lap like this.
"fuck, jud—" you whimper, as his hips start to pick up speed below you. tightening his grip around you, your chest tight against his. his mouth licking and biting at the space between your neck and shoulder. "i missed you."
the words are his undoing, his thrusts becoming sloppy. his cock throbs inside you, kissing up to your ear as he whispers. "missed you—shit—so much."
"m'gonna—god, i'm gonna—" he stutters, he can't finish his sentence. too shy or too ashamed, he can't tell. but it's too much for him to hold on, barely getting out his word of warning before his load splutters up inside of your walls.
his head collapses on your shoulder, his body going limp as he holds you in his arms. "shit, i didn't use protection." he panics, doe eyed as he looks up to you once more.
"it's okay, it's okay," you smile gently, shaking your head as you push the curls back from his forehead. "i'm on the pill, it's okay." you assure him, but the worry doesn't shift from his eyes.
"jud, it's okay," you repeat, gently caressing his cheek. "add it to the list of sins we've accumulated tonight." you murmur, with a gentle smirk. your words help cut through the tension, through the worry he's feeling.
he feels himself soften within you, as you slowly stand from his lap. jud almost whines at the loss of sensation, the comfort he found from within your walls.
"stay?" he whispers, gulping down the nerves as he asks. his hands wrap around the back of your thighs, chin resting against your stomach as he leans his head back to look up to you.
"you want me to?" you murmur, fingers softly weaving through his hair. jud nods softly, eyes begging you to say yes. to stay with him for the night, to let him hold you in the way that used to be his normal.
"okay."
he wraps you in his shirt, as you both slide your underwear back up your legs. carrying the rest of your shared clothes up to his bedroom, it's only then that he remembers—a single bed, he sleeps in a single bed.
"might be a tight squeeze." he jokes, scratching the back of his neck with nerves, scared you'll say no and leave him to sleep alone.
you smile to him, doing up some of the buttons of his shirt and laying down in his bed. shuffled up close to the wall, holding open the blanket for him to slide in next to you.
he does, and he's never felt more content. your arm slides over his waist, his back to your chest as you hold him. your eyes flutter shut, falling asleep to the soft sound of his voice.
"forgive me father, for i have sinned..."
i'm so alone out here without you, baby
jud was gone when you woke, a familiar feeling. alone in his bed, in his shirt, the smell of him on his pillow still lingering. the note on his nightstand the only proof he had been there the night before.
i'm so sorry. please forgive me. only ever yours, jud
it was hard to understand his meaning, unable to tell if he was apologising for leaving or ever letting you in to begin with. you stayed a short while longer, and left in his shirt.
he didn't call, not even a text in the days that followed. petrified you were the reason for his guilt, wondering how he felt about his actions. did he regret it? was he ashamed? had he begged god for forgiveness in the same way he wrote in his note to you?
you went to his service the following sunday, just to see him. you had no plans to talk to him, never to ambush him. just to check in on him, see the look in his eyes. had shame taken over his pupils, or had he found peace with his choices? you wanted to know he wasn't hurting, and that he didn't hate you for it.
"amen."
you're one of the first to stand at the end of his sermon, heading straight for the doors as jud quickly weaves through the church goers to reach you.
"wait—please," he whispers, as the two of you stand outside the church walls. his hands grasp yours, as he plays priest to those leaving his service. "did you read my note?" jud whispers, as the final person walks away from him.
"yeah, i—" you start, before his eyebrows furrow and he interrupts.
"but you didn't come." jud sighs, his shoulders slump and his hands slowly let go of your own. your own brow furrows in response, head tilting in confusion.
"you didn't read the back?" he bites his lip, cursing himself for not calling to check after the fact. he watches as you shake your head, a huff of annoyance leaving him. annoyed at himself.
"i just needed to think, i wrote asking for you to meet me the next day." jud speaks, and suddenly you're reaching into your purse. scrambling to find the crumpled note.
"you kept it," jud smiles, and he can't help the way his heart swells at the thought. he watches as you read the back of his note, shoulders slumping as you do.
"i'm sorry, jud, i'm so stupid, i—"
without warning, he tugs you inside the church. away from prying eyes of chimney rock, with no one but god to witness his lips attacking yours again.
"i'm stupid," he mumbles against your lips. "should have called you, gone to your house, anything." jud speaks, between kisses. the vestment still on his body, kissing your lips without a care in the world in god's house.
"just needed to think, baby, that was the only reason i left you alone again." he whispers, big hands holding your face to look up to his.
"you don't regret it?" you whisper, somehow still scared despite the way he's looking at you like you hung the moon.
"no, no, baby, no," jud shakes his head. "i've been so lonely out here, i didn't realise it until you arrived. i told you in that note, i'm only ever yours. i was just too scared to say it to your face."
"just mine?" you gulp, looking to the cross sitting center of his vestment.
"let me worry about that, okay?" he whispers, distracting himself with his mouth on yours.
'cause you were the only one i was never scared to tell i hurt
you didn't question him again. did as he asked, let him worry about it. you're sure he did. when you'd arrive early to his service, finding him kneeling at the altar. muffled prayers would hit your ears, murmurs of forgiveness.
but who does the priest confess to other than god? he stands the burden of confession, sits behind the curtain and forgives those of their sins. frees strangers of their transgressions, accepts their guilt and shame and perversion without judgement. offers them comfort and absolution. but who does this for the priest, the solely priest with no ear to rely on other than god?
you thought of that often. wished to be the ear he needed to console him, but you knew different. knew no one but his god could free him from the shame he was feeling. the acts of sin he was committing by being with you.
he didn't always view it as such—as sin. only the acts of intercourse did he ever truly feel shame for. jud could allow himself the kisses, the secret glances, the feeling of your skin against his in the dead of night. but no amount of penance could free him from the delinquency of indulging in you fully.
father jud sat upon his chair in the confessional booth, the red curtain between he and those waiting to be dissolved of their sin. you waited for the regular confessors to finish their admissions, before taking your seat behind the curtain.
"forgive me father, for i have sinned. this is my first confession." you speak, as the two of you make the sign of the cross behind the partition.
"i've committed a lot of sins, father." you speak, your fingers fiddling with the necklace dangling against your chest.
"tell me, my child." jud speaks, his voice croaking despite his efforts to remain dutiful.
"i've had thoughts, father, perverted, sinful thoughts," you begin. "acted in ways that go against god's teachings, and i know i'll keep going."
you hear jud gulp behind the partition, imagine his hands growing sweaty, his cheeks blushing red. the thought thrills you somehow.
"this man, father, he does things to me. he always has," you continue. "my whole life, i've craved him. but he, he belongs to god."
"father, he's a man of god, you see. but he's been unfaithful, he's been coming to me in the dead of night rather than his master. and father, i like it," you hum, eyes fluttering shut. "i need him to need me. i love him to need me, to crave me in the way i crave him."
you can hear jud's breathing despite not being able to see his face. his chest rising and falling with every word you speak, his hands tight around his thighs. trying with everything in his body to stay faithful to his position, but your words are testing his restrainant.
"he was mine first, father, you have to know that," you hum, lip between your teeth. "i had him before god did. he loved me, before he loved him."
"but i see him everyday, and father, it's so hard," you drawl, tone lowering. "i want so badly to hold him, to kiss his lips whenever i please, to get down on my knees and—"
"i, uhm, i understand," jud stutters, his cheeks pink.
"do you, father?" you murmur, pushing your luck, and jud's limits. "how badly i want you?"
he doesn't speak—can't. he's quiet on the other side of the partition, before you hear shuffling. you see his shadow move, before jud opens the red curtain hiding you from his view outside the booth.
"you're ruining me," he mumbles, with no bite, as he closes the curtain behind him. "do you know that?"
he drops to his knees before you, the two of you cramped in the small space. his body between your legs, his tall frame making his head the same height as your chest as he kneels. "kiss me, my girl," he whispers. "before i go crazy."
you do—grasping his face like he's your lifeline, leaning down to press your mouth to his. kissing his lips in the booth, as though this is his greatest confession. because it is.
his greatest sin. his sole temptation, that he's unable to resist.
and it hurts to miss you, but it's worse to know
it had been two weeks since your confession, since jud broke every rule and kissed you within the booth. things had been quiet since then. jud had barely spoken to anyone since, let alone you.
politeness at church, but silence elsewhere. he stopped answering calls, didn't let you inside the house, never let you stay behind after service.
jud was going through turmoil. his shame began to eat him alive. he'd gone too far, and was paying for it his guilt. he knew god loved him, guilty or not—but he'd broken his sacred vows.
it would only ever been you. no one else could have made him like this. there was, and never would be, anyone who could tempt him in the way you did. but you hadn't just tempted him, you devoured him.
it wasn't your fault, never your fault. you were free to do as you pleased without reason. jud never judged you for that, had no right or reason to.
but jud was to blame for his own actions. he'd lost himself in you, almost lost his god on the way. he was close to giving up everything if it meant he could have you, truly have you.
it was late at night when he met you, his stomach in knots and head a mess. you could see it in him, almost knew what was coming when you arrived.
"i'm sick and twisted for what i've done," jud speaks, his head in his hands and guilt written all over his face. he sits with you on that old wooden bench in the church grounds, his knuckles black and bruised. the old punching bag in sam's garage had clearly been overused.
"i'm sick for doing this to you." he continues, his eyes bloodshot as they meet yours.
"jud, please don't do this to me again," you know you're unfair to ask, but you do anyway. "please, we can be happy."
his heart aches at the thought, he knows it's true. he could give up his position, and live a happy life with you. but this is his life, god is his life. he made a vow, and he intends to keep it—no matter how broken he's made it.
"i know," he speaks, his eyes welling up. "but you know i can't. you told me that on the first day, i should have listened." he curses himself, thumb sliding over his battered knuckles.
"i love you." you whisper, through broken tears. "i love you."
"i've always loved you," he speaks through tears, desperate to reach out and hold your hand—but he doesn't, jud knows if he touches you he's not sure he'll never let you go. "i will always love you."
his hands wipe down his face, choking out a sob into his palms. it kills him, doing this. hurting you, and destroying himself in the process.
"i will always be yours," jud cries, using the pad of his thumb to brush away a tear dropping down your cheek. "i have only ever been yours, and will only ever be yours."
"and his." you whisper, too scared that sobs would start and never stop if you spoke any louder.
"and his." he nods, looking up into the heavens. his heart heavier than he'd ever felt it. already doubting himself, wanting to change his mind and kiss the sadness off your face.
but looking to the sky, and feeling him, he knows he can't. he made a promise to him, and he owed him his devotion. he was fulfilled as a priest, content, happy. he knows he'll always wonder if he made the right choice, and that's something he'll have to live with. he'll make peace with it, jud knows that. god will give him the strength to make peace with it.
he'll pray that god gets you through this pain, the pain he's putting you through. that will be the biggest regret of his life, causing you so much hurt. god didn't make him perfect, jud made choices that caused pain and heartbreak and hurt. but sometimes he wishes god could have made him able to be kinder to you.
"i'm so sorry." he whispers, cutting through the silent tears you're both shedding. his lips press a soft kiss to your forehead, one more to remember you by, he thinks. god would forgive him for that.
"i'll always want you." you speak, and the sobs follow. chasing his lips against your skin, and he lets you. holding the back of your head as you rest against him.
"there isn't a part of me that doesn't want you," he admits, as though it's his turn on your side of the confessional. "i will think of you every single day of my life."
jud's words shatter your heart piece by piece, because you know it doesn't matter. his words don't change anything, they won't change his mind.
"i will always wonder, i will pray for you every night, i'll want you for the rest of my life," he continues, his hand caressing the back of your scalp as your sobs muffle against him. "you will be with me, in here, for eternity." jud speaks through tears, as he places his hand over yours against his heart.
your eyes both bloodshot, and puffy. all sniffles and snot, but when your lips chase his he doesn't stop you. you kiss him like it's the last time, because it is. you needed to remember how it felt. god would forgive him for that.
"i'll only ever be yours."
