trinity told baran she needs next wednesday off. told her weeks in advance so the attending could make sure it happened. and she never used their relationship to get any sort of perks at work, except for this one time, she needed the guarantee that she wasnāt working on this one day.
but parker had fucking broken her leg so night shift are a doctor short, samira had pulled a few doubles to help out and mckay has harrison for the full week so sheās been switching out her shifts wherever she can so she can spend time with him. it would all be fine, any other time, trinity would pick up the extra shifts and only complain a little
but she needs this one day off.
and baran is unyielding when she asks her about it, offers to do anything, work any number of shifts before and after.
iām sorry trinity but everyoneās flat out the next couple of weeks, you know this, she gives her an unimpressed look which pisses trinity off because sheās not trying to wheedle out of work for fun
i told you i needed wednesday free ages ago! trinity snaps, a little harsher than she had intended. and thereās something about just how unimpressed baran looks now, even though she canāt be blamed. she doesnāt know why trinity needs the day off. and she knows itās unfair, but she can feel the panic tinged desperation crawling up her throat at the idea of being stuck in the Pitt next wednesday. if we hadnāt been on that stupid fucking vacation iād still have enough leave to take the day, but i donāt. whatās the point of dating my attending if you canāt even do me a favour this once.
she feels sick the moment the words leave her mouth, hurt flashing across baranās before it settles into something cold and closed off. we will discuss this later doctor santos, i suggest you go and check on your patients
trinity doesnāt get a chance to speak to baran for the rest of her shift. and she knows the attending must have told yolanda by the way the surgeon doesnāt offer her even a scrap of acknowledgment when she reels off the answers to a unfairly complicated series of questions
by the time the end of the shift rolls round, trinity is sick with guilt, both at how she spoke to baran, what she said, but also the suffocating feeling that despite it all, she still wonāt be able to spend the day sat at her best friendās grave like she does every year, like she has to
god she wishes they hadnāt all driven into work in yolandaās car today. it feels a lot more like marching to her execution and less like walking towards her loving girlfriends who are already sat in the car waiting for her. at least they didnāt just drive off and leave her she reasons
she slips into the backseat silently, glancing nervously at baran and then to the rearview mirror where yolanda is watching her through it
and baran, endlessly patient baran, who only asks that her girls donāt make a big deal of their relationship at work, has told them she needs the separation, is all too aware of the position she holds over trinity particularly, says, do you want to talk about what happened now, or when we get home?
trinity thinks she might actually throw up if she has to sit with these feelings for the car ride home, manages to force out, barely audible, now please
baran still hasnāt looked at her. trinity can see the way sheās worrying the sleeve of her jacket. yolanda is still glaring at her in the mirror. and trinity feels about 3 inches tall. not only is she letting her best friend down, but sheās hurt baran too, has implied that their relationship boils down to the benefits she can extract by dating her attending.
what the fuck is your problem? yolanda snaps when neither baran or trinity speak again. and trinity flinches a little at the anger in her voice. itās different when sheās spoiling for an argument too, sometimes the pair of them push each others buttons instead of communicating healthily like baran wants them too. but the tone of yolandaās voice sets trinityās teeth on edge now, already wrung out from the guilt of today.
that clearly hadnāt been the agreed way to tackle this from baran because sheās then whipping her head sideways to reprimand the surgeon herself.
she catches trinityās eye inadvertently as she does so and trinity can feel her bottom lip wobble and her composure crumbles all at once, as does the ability to choose her words carefully. usually so cautious about keeping those parts of her life guarded and away from the light.
but now it all tumbles out, among countless apologies to baran. tells them about her coach, an abridged version at least, she doesnāt think sheāll ever be able to tell anyone everything that happened.
she tells them about her best friend, she says her name in front of someone else for the first time in far too many years. tells them how sheās gone, and trinity hates her for it, and then hates herself for hating her.
sheās so selfish she says, sheās selfish because she knows how badly she was in pain, knows the pain herself all too well. and knows what itās like to stand on the very edge of it all and want so badly to leave it all behind.
and how she needs that day off because she has to drive 7 hours to the cemetery and sit with her. because otherwise no one visits, her mom died not long after she did and her dad wanted nothing to do with her when they told their parents what was happening
that she canāt be alone and sheās not sure who sheās talking about anymore
all the while sheās still babbling apologies because of course she isnāt just dating baran for the workplace perks. that she loves her, her and yolanda, that she could give trinity every holiday shift forever and that still wouldnāt change.
sheās spluttering and trying to heave in breaths, one hand rubbing at her chest in an attempt to self soothe.
thereās a sudden influx of cooler air from outside as the door opens next to her, and then the familiarity of yolandaās arms wrapping around her, a firm hand rubbing circles against her back, the surgeonās voice low in her ear coaxing her to breathe a little slower
and trinity doesnāt deserve this comfort, but she is selfish, hadnāt she already made that clear. so she lets herself be comforted regardless. even as she still hiccups and sniffs and tears continue to leak steadily down her cheeks, soaking into yolandaās top.
she can feel the weight of someone else on her other side now too, peels herself away from yolanda just enough to see baran looking heartbrokenly at her. letās yolanda guide her gently into baranās arms as another round of apologies leaves her mouth.
and baran is telling her itās fine, and that sheās sorry, that she wouldāve made sure trinity got the day off if she knew how important it was. and when trinity starts to apologise for that too, baran shushes her, tells her sheās so brave for telling them now. so strong for surviving, how sheād love to hear more about her best friend if she wants to share, wants to hear the happy memories trinity must have too, tells her she must be so proud of you, eshgham.
trinity does get the day off she needs, baran arranges for her to work the night before so she can steal a night shift resident in return. trinityās surprised initially, because baran hates it when any of them drive tired. and a 14 hour round trip on no sleep isnāt exactly baranās usual idea of safety.
but yolanda is chiming in, letting her know that sheās switched shifts herself so wednesday is her day off now, that she can drive them both and trinity can nap in the car.
and on wednesday morning abbot lets her leave an hour early, practically pushes her out the door to find yolanda already idling outside with baran who hops out the passenger seat to let trinity in. buckles her seatbelt for her for good measure too. text me when youāre on your way home, okay?
thereās a small bunch of flowers on the backseat, yolanda tells her that she and baran have got for her grave, if she wants to put them there. that thereās no pressure.
and she knows she shouldnāt look at the little note tucked amongst the petals as she lays them down once they get there. yolanda is sat in the car still, she isnāt quite ready to have someone else physically there with her right now. but she looks at it. in baranās elegant handwriting, unlike her and yolandaās messy doctor scrawl.
weāll look after her, we promise