Day 1 of the War
Dear Cammy
War. That’s the words on everybody’s minds right now. War and Death. Well, at least they’re on my mind. Maybe that’s just me. But all I can think about right now is war and death. That might be because of the so-called ‘warning’ of punitive actions against all Grey’s that was made today, or because I just finished the Harry Potter series again. Either way, all I can think about is war and death.
Here’s the thing though. I believe that there are days in which things happen that you know you will forever be measuring things by this day for the rest of your life. It’s the point in which you start counting the days all over again. Using that day as your 0BC, because that day is the day that things change so drastically things simply can’t ever again be the same. Maybe your mom dies, maybe you die, or maybe you get in a car crash. I don’t really know, and I might go so far as to say I don’t care. I do know, though, that things aren’t ever the same after that day because they really simply, just couldn’t be.
Today’s like that. Tension is palpable in the air. And I’m scared as hell. I know that the threat of action against all Grey’s isn’t really something to be scared of. It’s only the threat of it after all. Not the fact. But this… the man who declared it has me scared. My bones are freezing and my heads spinning. Sure, before there were always threats of action. But the gravitas of them wasn’t… it wasn’t the same. This holds something none of the others did. I can’t name it. But it’s there.
But today’s going to be the first of many days of hell. I can tell that. I’m young. I’m inexperienced, and I’m fairly stupid. But even I can tell when a tidal wave is coming to sweep me out to sea. This is the tidal wave.
It’s 10 pm at night. I’m writing after lights out. I should be asleep. Of course, though, I’m not. Today’s too hectic to go to sleep just yet. I will, probably, but I don’t know quite when. Maybe when I don’t feel like I’m going to die of a heart attack. Yeah. That sounds like a good time.
I don’t know what’s going to come next. Anything could. If I was going to make a bet, I’d say war or attempts to take away my rights. I’m not sure though. After all, things like this have happened before, but every scenario's a different one. A new one. And I don’t want to presume.
My mom’s gone missing too. Along with my dad. No one knows where. They were here at 9 am this morning. Then they got on a plane and never made it to their destination. There were no signs of them crashing, and even if their plane did, they’d still be alive. I know my parents. They don’t die so easily.
I think I should be freaking out more. I know I should be freaking out more. But I can’t fully bring myself too. I think it’s probably because I’m more in a state of shock right now. I’m trying to push past the knots in my stomach and not cry. I was never a big crier. I honestly think I have always thought that crying was a sign of weakness. I know, of course, that it’s not. Everyone says it’s okay to cry. But I've never thought of it as an ok thing to do. It felt dirty and weak. And I am nothing if not strong. Perhaps I'm not even that though, perhaps that’s an illusion I've made for myself in the hopes of one big game of pretend.
At this point, I don’t know. I honestly think I'm compartmentalising my feelings. Of course, I don’t fully know. I mean, that’s the point of compartmentalising, right? To not really fully know if you’re feeling at that point? If not, then please correct me on that. I’m going to continue my pseudo-compartmentalising for now though. The lack of anxiety a pretty nice thing to be feeling and I’d rather I stayed that way for the time being. Just not really knowing if I were to fully accept the scenario at hand if I would be breaking down right now and crying. I don’t think I have time for crying. And I don’t think that this is the time for crying. This is a time for action, and before I act I need to make sure that I won’t break.
That makes sense right?
I think it does. But I don’t know. I mean, I’ve never had to do any of this before. Never had to do my mom’s job. It’s ridiculous that they want me to do her job. After all, I’m 15 and nothing like her. I’m not diplomatic or clever or over the age of 21. And I haven't got her power and experience. I’ve just got a fencing sword and a smattering of A’s and B’s. I haven’t got anything she has or anything anyone on the council has.
And that makes me scared. So damn scared. Mostly for myself of course. Like the selfish person I am. I’m afraid for myself and my life.
But I’m also scared that I won’t be able to save you. I’m scared that whatever these days will bring will include your death and that’s something that I won’t allow. I would kill so you could live. That’s what’s important in this world to me. You.
- Artemisia Grey
The future leader of the Greys
