been trying to get back to writing sunsetters.
album 5 is really.. intimidating, now that we're in the middle of it. not even the size, but, the standards, it needs to be polished and impressive, and. I look at these scores, and what we have already is really fucking solid, but how can I add onto them? it's been months since the latest of these were written, and I don't think it was clear where they were going when they were stopped before. where can the music go from here? it's not complete, most of these songs need to continue, but how?? how do I approach that? anything new I write sounds like a child tinkering with a keyboard.
where did my inner voice go? where did djay go. I'm just jordan right now and I need to be djay.
I'm not seriously worried. well, I do feel it, I feel deeply worried about this, but I also know we're on album 5, I know that every album to this point has had moments like this, I know I've been here before. the albums always get made. one day I will see a way through. it'll be miraculous. it'll light a fire in my brain and the same things that are intimidating now will be thrilling, and for the same reasons.
but I wanted to.. make a post about these feelings. I wanted to express this worry. this fear. can I even articulate the actual fear? that.. I led myself down the wrong path, that I can't continue, that the interest was fleeting and the skill level too high, that I'm at a dead end, that I'll let everyone down, that I'll find there wasn't even anyone to let down and this outcome was expected, or that I'll find there were people to let down and this outcome was still expected but not hoped for. that my creations will never be as delicate, intricate, and interesting as I want them to be.
none of these fears are really about this album. so none of them will really have anything to do with finishing it. and the fears in my life are assuaged by varied routes. many of my fears dissipate with time, subconsciously, are resolved by small details in my life and I don't even notice their passing. other fears are resolved quite consciously, by pushing myself to do things I think are scary, though that bravery isn't something I have inside me every day. I think I've had a little bravery lately though. I think it's taken a little bravery to open up musescore every day and earnestly look at these scores. all these songs...
when album 5 is done, it's going to feel surreal.
I can't presently imagine the finished product.
I need to keep trying.
I want people to like it.