Need A Light?

“Killian?” This was why she didn’t tell people her feelings, she always fucked it up somehow. Now the man she loved was in pain,and it was all because of her. Maybe he was better off without her. “Killian, please.”

Pulling him onto the bed, she held him close to her, rubbing his back and trying her best to soothe him. “Talk to me, please. Tell me how I can help you.” Closing her eyes, she willed the tears to stay down, willed herself not to show any weakness in front of him. She had to be strong for him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t feel anything for her, it was the idea that someone loved him. Someone had a belief that he was worth something. The shock just hit him. Especially on such a tiring night already. He was dragged by her hands, held close by her arms. He clenched his eyes shut tightly, pushing the panic down his throat as hard as he could. But only a stream of babble left his lips. Most words becoming how, love, sorry, Allison.

Last Words

"What are you gonna do, kill me?"

"Keep them safe"

"I need you to move on after I'm gone."

"Kill me"

"Of course I trust you."

"Just end it"

"I'll come back"

"I just want you to know that I love you, okay?"

"Watch this"

"Give them hell"

"What does this do?"

"I don't feel good"

"I can't fight anymore. It hurts too much"

"I'm scared"

"Tell _____ that I love them"

"Get out of here! Now! While you still can!"

"I'll see you in hell"

"It wasn't your fault."

"You need to trust me."

"Why is it so dark?"

"No! This cannot be! I am invincible!"

"I'll buy you as much time as I can. Don't waste it."

"Live. Do that for me. Just get out alive."

"Don't cry"

"It's a flesh wound"

"It's perfectly safe"

"I don't regret anything."

Looking concerned, Tex got up and placed her arms on York’s shoulders. What was wrong with him? What was going on? Out of all the responses had hoped and stressed over hearing, this was not one of them.

“Killian?” She whispered, her voice pitched high with worry as she cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “What’s wrong? What’s going on? Are you okay? Do you need me to call the medbay?”

What had she done wrong? Had she been mistaken – did York really only still see her as nothing more than a partner in bed? Was that why he was acting like this?

Killian felt like his chest being crushed. Air wasn’t really making it. He tracked the release of the cigarette with each count of his pounding heart. She was going to take this all wrong. This was it. This was his fuck up. Just like always, he fucked up.

All he could do was hope it would pass quickly for once. She was too his chest, her hands on his face, her voice in his ear. But all he could think was he dropped the cigarette. At least he knew that. He was getting closer to that edge. He was able to force his lungs to open, to accept the ragged air that had been just out of reach.

His instinct was to wheeze, “No doctors.” That was right before the world went dim and his body gave into his panic.

Looking a bit surprised at herself, she nodded. Her long, curly hair was fanned out on the bed as she looked up at him with wide eyes. As she did, that feeling of love was there, so present it seared her veins. And she loved it, loved how alive it made her feel.

A part of her had known that she had loved them the night they had spent together before her big mission, but had been too scared to tell him. Now, with him suffering like this… She knew she owed it to both of them to tell him.

Sitting up a bit, she brushed the long hair out of her eyes and pulled her knees up. When she sat like that, she looked so much younger than her twenty-six year old self. She was like a child again, wide eyed and curious.

“I love you.” She repeated it again, this time with more certainty.

York felt it all surround him, he felt the world dim just slightly as he shut down. No. No one could love him. No one should love him. Something was wrong. Something was a lie. He was very still and as he tried to focus he couldn’t manage to feel the weight of the cigarette any more. He was going to drop it. He couldn’t shut down.

Not while she was looking at him.

Not while she was being so hopeful.

Not while he loved her just as much as she loved him.

The words were lead on his tongue as he struggled.

He wanted to feel. He wanted this panic, he wanted to touch the world. He wanted to cry and scream his feelings to her. But he couldn’t. He was a prisoner in his own body and he wanted to let go. But the shock hurt and he couldn’t get the control of it.

You're the reason she died. You're the reason she was so messed up. It's your fault! You have been nothing but a thorn in my side for all your shit you have put me through. Even your mother knew you weren't worth staying around for, that's why she killed herself.

Send me messages as one of my muse's parents.

“I know, Dad.”

#tw; suicide #Anonymous

angstmemes

Send me messages as one of my muse's parents.

Texas is only using you. She's going to break you more than you could ever possibly imagine. She's dangerous. You're only setting yourself up for death.

“Hey, buddy... I think you are missing a part of this grand scheme. In the beginning we were using each other. I hope I don’t have to go through the birds and the bees with you, but that is all we wanted at first. Now I have never asked for a lot, and Tex is a beautiful lady that can do what she wants. But in this story, I haven’t committed myself with those words and she has. The ball is in my court.”

“If you mean she will make me feel amazing only to kill me? Hey, that is life right? Just feeling the love is enough to pay off for the pain later. I live for the good shit to end bad. It’s my life’s work. I don’t know what you think I expect but it isn’t a house with two kids and a wedding band. I want Tex, and I care about her. But if this ends bloody, I am not blind to the possibility.”

#Anonymous

@blindspxt

Not saying anything else, Allison sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at Killian as he got his pack of cigarettes. She hated them, honestly. They reminded her of her past, her youth when everyday she had to hunt for food and scavenge for warmth and safety. But he didn’t know that, he couldn’t have known that. So she wouldn’t hold it against him.

For a few days now, Killian had been disassociating. He had told her that he was lost between reality and dreams, what was real and what wasn’t and it worried her. She wanted to be there for him, to comfort him and make it all better. But she didn’t know how, or if what she was doing was working.

Sighing, she laid down on her side and contented herself with watching the man she loved,knees pressed against her chest. The next few words leave her mouth before she even consciously thinks of them, but she can’t stop herself from blurting them out.

“I love you. You know that, right?”

Killian didn’t know terms. He hated them. He thought words only made it worse. It was probably something to due with the fact that he was forced to watch as his mother was put on medication after medication to fix something but only left more problems. He didn’t like it. So his “disassociation”, a word Allison used, was never really checked out.

It had just been a part of him.

Sometimes for hours or days or weeks, time was hard to keep up with in that state and asking never ended well, he would just feels the lines blur. When he was younger, someone said he was just going exceeding the bonds of humanity. He called that guy an idiot and told him that it wasn’t some fun evolutionary trait. That guy ended with a broken nose and Killian ended with a suspension.

These days though, Killian knew time. Allison told him. She had been there a lot now. Killian had to be grateful. Sometimes he wished she would give up and leave like everyone else. With every drag on the cigarette he felt tied. He was here, with burning lungs and the smell of tobacco. Yet, her voice cut into him.

His eyes darted to her, coughing as he choked on the smoke. “What?” How could she love him now? Like this?

"Do you need me to spend the night?"

York is lost between reality and dreams again. He feels like he is floating in a way that terrifies him. He used to find some comfort in it, in just losing reality. But over the years, he wants reality. He wants to be able to focus and feel. Allison. Allison helped him want reality. His eyes seemed focused on a spot farther than she was. Words were hard to focus and god he wanted a cigarette.

But she was better than any cigarette.

He swallowed harsher, blinking rapidly as he nodded twice sharply. Then he was moving for the pack they kept on his table. He was supposed to keep it there to give him time to think as he walked to get them. But he took the distance in three strides.