So I'm at that wonderful point in my life where I'm recognizing my habits, especially with members of the opposite sex. It's definitely evident that the way my parents raised and treated me growing up has influenced and shaped a lot of the choices I've made. Now I could hide behind this excuse for the rest of my days, or start making good habits now that I'm cognizant of the issue. Trust me, it's harder than I ever imagined. In the past month I've had to put my hand up to the way that certain people have acted towards me. While I've spent a good chunk of the 20 years since puberty hit me thriving on ANY attention, I've literally had to say "no" with tears in my eyes. The bonehead who "loved my accent", "loved to make me laugh", and "loved talking to me and learning about me" also ended up saying that he was flirting with me with NO intention of being more than friends. Even though I didn't want to - I was having fun, too - but I didn't want anyone to get hurt, waste anyone's time, and it wasn't appropriate as "friends to talk to each other this way"....and then he very quickly and seemingly stopped being my friend. Yeah, cheers. Then there's the other male, who appeared out or nowhere on Facebook messenger, to say how happy he was that I got away from my husband and thrilled I was getting on with my life. Awesome, thank you. But then I hear about how I should have had coffee with him...and married him instead... Suddenly I'm uncomfortable, and tell him I'll talk to him later because I'm going to bed...to which he says he wishes tuck me in". Ok, enough is enough. I tell him the conversation is odd and out of the ordinary. He apologizes, I say OK, but he continues even more. I don't think I responded for two minutes, and my messenger starts blowing up. I tell him straight up that I don't want to keep talking, and that apparently gives reason for him to blow his lid. Essentially, I'm a bad friend, who makes him miserable, and I need to get over myself. Oh - and that I "put myself in an abusive situation and need to shut the fuck up". Maybe it was my lack of response that got me blocked, but I think I handled it well, and didn't have an anxiety breakdown like I probably would have in other times. Now while I've been using Tinder these past couple of months, one particular fellow caught my attention. Of course, he doesn't live locally, but since when has that stopped me. He said he's in the area frequently enough for work, so PERFECT! I don't want to get attached while I'm in immigration proceedings, I don't want anything serious until after I get my divorce finalized, etc etc. With him, the best conversations about music and life experiences happen. But then he disappeared for a few weeks - because he got locked up in jail for a "misunderstanding" that's now been fixed, but has lost his job for - so no more traveling. But he says that won't put him off from getting to me. As far as he can tell, I'm everything he's ever wanted, and he tells people about me and thinks I'm his soulmate, blah blah blah blah.....ok so, why do you not answer your phone whenever I've called these past 5 days? Why do you not download another app aside from Tinder to talk to me? Why does it take you 3rd days to respond to my messages on Tinder? I'm done waiting. And I told him so. I still don't know if I made the right choice, but I'm too old and jaded to wait around. If you think someone is your soulmate, then they should be spoken to often, and if not often, then just say you're busy and you'll catch up later. Easy. I'm tired of the loneliness though. Yes, my childhood was lonely. Yes, my teenage years were lonely, too. I was the only fat kid in my class, which lead to bullying on my weight - which lead to bullying me for any reason you could find. My first "boyfriend" cheated on me at the school dance - in front of my peers - and because no one likes the kid picked on, it was hard to have anyone in my corner. The friends I did have thought they were better than me, mostly because their waistline was smaller than mine. Hell, even my "best friend" told me many times how much better my life would be if I lost some weight. My best friend, my mother, all wanted me to look better as a result of weight loss. So let's skip forward to adulthood. My weight really began to yoyo when I turned 17. Actually I lost a bunch of weight from getting Mono. Nevertheless, I lost the weight everyone wanted me to lose so desperately. Were people kinder? No. Were men nicer? No. Did my relationship with my mother and/or other people improve or quantify? Hell no. I was still just as happy being the big girl as I was being the tiny one. Anyway, skip forward to now where I'm again, not necessarily at a "big" phase in my life - it could be better and worse, mostly as a result of poor eating in a bad relationship (you'll hear about that beauty one day). I'm naturally going to be an Amazonian gal, and on the plus side, the same pair of jeans have fit me in the couple of years I've lived in the US. However, I'm noticing the clothes getting looser on me, I'm feeling a little more energetic, all good things. I'm embracing my curves, and if anyone wants to question my appearance, well I'm just a Work in Progress, so fuck you, I'll come back when I'm YOUR ideal size with my middle finger fully armed. But...being a now-single lady here in the United States, men aren't as mean about this stuff like they are in Australia. Men here love the curves, they don't care as much for the excess -and I won't complain, because that takes a bit of pressure and heat off me! ....Wow...that was a tangent that derailed my own point to this post, shit! Anyway, I have learnt that I need to stop treating any attention as good attention, just because I seek the attention and validation I didn't get from my parents, or brothers. It's painful as hell to do, and am finding it to be a catch 22. I feel so isolated and unloved without it, but I have to be respectful towards me. Maybe if I respect myself then others will follow suit? Maybe once I've done this a few more times it will hurt less? Maybe it's when we hit "rock bottom" that new and healthier habits happen, so that the learning and growing happen along with the healing.