[bloodfilledeyes]

I want to slash my skin I want to get fucked I want to burn myself I want to smash something I want to spend all my money I want to scream I want to run away I want to scream at someone I want to jump off a bridge I want to break my own bones I want to do anything to be destructive god

[bloodfilledeyes]

bpd brain: I need to get worse. I don’t like being happy. I miss when I was at my worst. I need to manipulate my stability.

*gets worse*

me: :0

[serenityquest]

[bloodfilledeyes]

mourning over my scars

I wish I had normal skin

at the same time my brain tells me I need to do it again

I’m tired

[bloodfilledeyes]

If only I knew this would turn into an addiction. I’m bandaging myself up, yet I’m already thinking about the next time I do it. When and where. Why would you get excited to hurt yourself? Feeling numb but relieved. I gave in to the urge. Shame. „I’m pathetic“. It’s never enough, always too little. It feels so good though I know it shouldn’t. My body stings yet I’m feeling almost euphoric from the endorphins released. The wound will heal and the urges will get stronger. I will do it again.

[pretty-ichor]

the line between "everything is great i can do this" and spiraling into the depths of self loathing is thin

[bloodfilledeyes]

who would even want me I’ve got scars all over my body and still can’t let go of those coping mechanisms I’m just a stupid person

[bloodfilledeyes]

how do you even explain that feeling when you’re so sad and angry and feel like a child and wanna talk to your friend but your brain keeps yelling at you that you’re annoying and should shut up and it hurts so bad but you also don’t want that feeling to stop because at least you’re feeling

[bloodfilledeyes]

nothing as irrational as ED thoughts. Being scared of getting better, “losing” what it gives you.

Because I know that it builds a wall between me and all my feelings, not having to deal with anything in my mind, being occupied or just being empty. I’m scared of what will come when I let go of this strategy. I don’t want these feelings. But deep down I know that it’s okay and that I WILL get through this, I did once and I will again, always.

[bloodfilledeyes]

when you’re not allowed to go below a certain weight because of inpatient therapy but dropping weight very quickly right now and kinda don’t want it to stop

….man

[bloodfilledeyes]

funny how I struggled with eating this time of the year now, a year ago, and five years ago

but not funny ha-ha, funny weird 🤠

[bloodfilledeyes]

Counting steps and/or calories is pure hell

It’s never enough, always too much. I wish I never ever started with this shit.

[bloodfilledeyes]

after selfharming I’m either completely done, tired and lowkey dissociating OR I feel „normal“ and it feels like nothing ever happened and it was the most casual thing ever

„yeah I’m done destructing myself let’s get back to what I was doing 👍“ like wtf

[bloodfilledeyes]

still relatable

[bloodfilledeyes]

I also forgot how messy cutting is. How annoying.

And bandaging your upper thigh? So much easier on your arms but I can’t do it there, so much fun!! 😀

[bloodfilledeyes]

not being able to sh on my arms because of work makes me so unbelievably angry

[bloodfilledeyes]

oh my fucking god can my brain shut up for ONE second

[bloodfilledeyes]

can someone just open my head and take my brain out thanks