Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
YOU ARE THE REASON
occasionally subtle
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let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
$LAYYYTER
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@blue811
I thought that I owe it all who follow me, to let you all know that this might be my last post, my last day
I have everything laid out, it all looks so pretty
I'm going to attempt right now; everyone's still awake, but I can't wait any longer
Thank you to all who have tried to help me
Danse Macabre ~ by Paul Rumsey…
She walked past my room last night, knocked on my door, and said "What's that burning smell, it doesn't smell like a regular something burning, but it smells like something's on fire"
I just said it was one of my wax melts, and that I have probably had the light going on for too long
Though in real terms, it was human flesh being burnt
I don't know, but it made me laugh, ha "What's that weird burning smell"
For the past month, and a half of not drinking, I have not gone an hour in one single day, every single day without at least a 3 hour setting of burning/cutting; then I just burn all throughout the entire day
Before I was put on xanax, and kpins; I haven't cut/burned myself in 11 months
I recently prefer burning over cutting, because it's a fuckin bitch to clean up the blood, and to make it stop; and the wrapping it up; because for the past 15 years, I have always gone as deep as at least 2/3 inches
I have just been so tired, just so fuckin exhausted; that I'm like fuck it, I'll just burn, and burn; I have however cut here, and there; then just wrapped it; but have been burning a ton more than cutting
I have become more addicted to burning, than cutting
I have plans to off myself, so I can't sit here, and say "I don't want to see myself in my 30's/40's sitting here cutting/burning myself" / "I see myself in my 30's/40's+ cutting/burning"
I'm without alcohol; I have been seeing my psych for just 4 months, after 6 years of being off meds, being off therapy; but they won't fuckin listen to me that I want someone to talk with, that I want a fuckin therapist
I have called, and talked with this guy about having someone to talk to, the past how ever many times I have gone to get my anxiety meds; each time, they say "Oh, you want a therapist" I always fuckin say it, it's like these doctors are fuckin retarded or some shit
They always say, we will get in touch with a therapist for you; then I always say "I could be dead by the time you guys get a hold of someone for me to talk to" then they laughed, and said "You won't be dead"
The last time I went, I brought it up again; I said "Can you guys get me into seeing a therapist" then they said "What do you mean" I said "Someone for me to talk to"
I have been inside my room, locked up with 2 locks, and blocked off with 3 knives; leaving just to go to psych; for the past 3 months solid; I haven't even gone to the store to get them veggies, my brother runs to get them the shit they need
I still don't have a job, the abuse is worse here than it was in high school; fuck, speaking of high school, I was all goth out, in the entire fuckin sense, black black black, like I was the fuckin goth queen. I got soda poured over my head, I got my hair pulled, garbage thrown at me, I got called so many names by school kids; my mother's abuse, and my father's abuse is worse than how I was treated in high school
Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say.
Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down
They’re there, on the horizon, Cid running towards the cane, Old Joe with his gun raised about to shoot, Sara between them. Time hanging, slowed nearly to a stop. A moment of decision. Across the field, Sara and Joe lock eyes. Joe turns his blunderbuss back on himself. So I changed it. He FIRES into his own chest.
While Cid sleeps peacefully, a bandage on his jaw, his wound healing. Safe.
FADE TO WHITE CUT TO BLACK
He was just kicking it, the cops hit him up and pretty much framed him.
He went to prison, he'd never been to jail or anything.
He stayed there for like three and a half years.
He came out and tried to straighten his life out, got us a pad and shit, after that shit just fell apart, drinking, turned into a diabetic.
He didn't take his insulin.
So he got fucking sick, hospital, went into a coma for months, the doctors were saying he's not gonna make it.
One day he just opened his eyes, and was like what is fucking up.
He started kicking it, started getting better, I talked with him.
In a few days he knew everything that was going on.
Couple months went by, he was ready to come home.
In days, he learned how to walk and everything, then all of a sudden he just fucking slid back in the coma, and then just right after that he was fucking gone, you know?
Now it's like, it kind of puts me in a shitty situation.
Just seeing fucking different guys coming in the house, you know.
Fucking try to appreciate your dad.
They're always assholes and shit, but besides that they're still fucking there to take care of you.
One day after school, I heard he blew his brains out.
I don't think I had anything to do with it, but l still feel guilty.
His mother told me he was buried in his lucky motorcycle jacket.
She said his toothbrush is missing.
She told me that she could feel his spirit.
I turned my t/v on, and the first thing I hear is a man say
"Do you know what people on the west coast love to eat?"
Then a little boy goes "What?!"
Then the man says "Children"
Ha, yum yum
On secondlife cam, laughing like, I'm not wearing any pants; and all of you have no idea, and this room is for a 6 year membership welcoming newbies
I feel all perverted, and I love it, haha
Your best bet with Manson's deep six; is to not watch the video, just listen to the audio; seriously though, save yourself from the cheap 4:11 mins video
Billie Joe Armstrong, Paris, 2010
