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[blueffervescence]

anyone else who doesnt know why they dislike their father? even when they try hard not to?

[blueffervescence]

who am i?

hey so i'll try to be true atleast in this space because i'm granted the anonymity here and i feel safe by that. i feel i have lied my whole existence. and though i know about this FACT, i aint doing anything to reverse that. and i have figured out why i lie/ have lied my entire existence. since childhood, i am seen as a model kid, high grades, head girl, best orator, best dancer, creative writer, all rounder what else. but i feel idk i am not all that. i feel as if i'm putting up a show for an audience that applauds at what i do and i'm still hungry for that applause, for the attention. i feel like if i present my true feelings everyone will have their jaws drop w shock. and its not as if i am a monster underneath but i'm not half as "perfect" as what others see. i feel terrible of my 'shadow' and i feel as if i wont get the applause if i let me be me. i lie to myself, i cheat myself and i hate at how convincingly i do that and i hate how people apparently seem to believe me, i hate the apparent trust they have in me.

yeah, thats it.