GAY

i'm so in love with a boy

[bluegreen118mlm]

i raced tilly today! she got a little distracted but it was still a really fun day :3 she was robbed of longest wiener

[bluegreen118mlm]

oh i am quite insane unfortunately. turns out getting rid of all means of (admittedly so compulsively) checking on jeremy means that i am spending a significant amount of time just staring at a tumblr that used to be active. the archives of you.

it's necessary for me to delve into where we were before. i miss who you were. i don't know who you are now. i'm afraid i'm going to love a ghost forever. i don't want you the way you are now, the way that you have been for this past year, in my life. that doesn't mean i have to hate the cat before that.

i think what i want doesn't exist because i can't even describe what that would be. i know i won't be haunted by the ghost of our love forever, but it still hurts. i don't know why we could never figure it out, it makes me sad we were so opposed. i'm trying hard to remember that the you that was kind to me still let me down and that it's okay that i can't get over that. maybe not ever. and that means we forever will hold space.

[meanbuddhist]

identifying a maladaptive coping mechanism is so bitter sweet like that’s great now i know what i need to stop doing. but that’s literally my something

[bluegreen118mlm]

this blog makes me confront how often i think about you. even when i'm trying my best not to.

[belmasworld]

healed enough to close the door, but human enough to still look at it sometimes

[aidashakur]

[bluegreen118mlm]

happy divorce anniversary to me

[bluegreen118mlm]

i keep having conversations about people wondering why i don't hate or even dislike you and i can't explain it. you held my heart for so long that i think there isn't anything you could do in the world to me for me to hate you.

sometimes i disliked the things you did or the ways you went about things, but i can't bring myself to think of it as defining you. you'll always be the boy that makes me laugh, the boy that sang along to endless songs in the car, the one who held me while the world was ending, and the boy who had the sweetest smile in the world just for me.

the hardest part is that you're still him, but you're also all of those pieces of you that deeply hurt me irreparably. one day these pieces of you will finally consolidate in my head, but nothing can ever erase what i did love of you. i think typing this realization of the dissonance in my mind has helped a lot. on friday it'll have been a year since we broke up.

[carnage-cathedral]

my partner said something that kinda rocked my world

[bluegreen118mlm]

AWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[bluegreen118mlm]

i feel like i'm waiting for something from him. i don't know what, and it's probably wistful thinking on my part. i wish he knew that he still means so much to me, but it's for the best that he doesn't

[bluegreen118mlm]

actually i'm doing okay. i wish i could say hi to skateboard for his birthday though

[bluegreen118mlm]

i wish i would've spent more time with him. knowing what we had is all i'll ever get is excruciating. i regret not seeing him on my birthday last year and i regret not holding him tighter when he was mine. forever circling my mind i guess.

[bluegreen118mlm]

my boyfriend is gone for the week so now i can descend into madness and grief for a whole week and then feel better <3. maybe i will even stop posting on here. (not that my boyfriend would stop me from feeling my feelings, there's just a freeness to being completely alone)

[bluegreen118mlm]

[paper-wounds]

Fortesa Latifi, from The Truth About Grief.

[lunamonchtuna]

— Steven Espada Dawson, from Elegy for the Four Chambers of My Brothers Heart (via lunamonchtuna)