Thereās a kind of pain I carry that I donāt think will ever really leave me. Itās not always loudāsometimes itās quiet, almost hiddenābut itās always there.
I lost my mother after thirteen years of not seeing her in person. We were apart physically, but we never lost communication. And somehow, that makes everything hurt even more.
For years, I held onto the thought that even if we couldnāt be together, we could still talk. I could still hear her voice, still feel her presence in some way. It gave me comfort. It made me believe that one day, we would finally see each other againāthat all the distance would be worth it in the end.
I never thought that āsomedayā would suddenly disappear.
When she passed, it didnāt just feel like I lost my mom. It felt like I lost the future I was holding ontoāthe chance to finally hug her again, to sit beside her, to make up for all the years we were apart. And now, thereās another kind of pain I didnāt expectā¦ the pain of not being there for her final goodbye.
Iām here in the Philippines, while she was laid to rest in Italy. And one of the hardest truths to accept is that I wasnāt there to walk her to her final resting place.
That thought alone breaks me in a way I canāt fully explain.
I keep imagining how it should have beenāthat I should have been there, standing beside her, saying my final goodbye, seeing her one last time. But instead, Iām hereā¦ far awayā¦ trying to accept something that feels so incomplete. Parang may kulang. Parang may parte ng proseso ng pagpaalam na hindi ko nagawa.
Ang hirap tanggapin na hanggang dito na lang ako. Na hindi ko man lang siya nahawakan sa huli. Hindi ko man lang siya nasilayan sa huling pagkakataon.
Because we stayed in touch, I remember her so clearlyāher voice, her words, the way she cared even from afar. And now, that silence feels heavier. Wala nang tawag. Wala nang message. Wala nang ākumusta kayo diyan?ā wala nang āsasiā o āsweetie.ā Just memoriesā¦ and a longing I know will never be fulfilled.
People say time heals, but I donāt think this kind of pain ever truly goes away. Iām not moving onāIām just learning how to live with it. Some days I can smile, I can function, I can pretend Iām okay. But deep inside, nandun pa rin yung sakit.
Iām not healingā¦ Iām coping.
I carry so many regrets. I wish I had shown her more often how much I appreciated everything she did for meāhow deeply I love her. It also breaks my heart that she never got the chance to meet my second child. The last time she saw my eldest, my baby was only four months old.
Mi, thank you for everythingāfor your love, your sacrifices, and your kindness. I will carry you with me always.
You are now at peace, and though I wasnāt there to say goodbye, you will forever live in my heart.
Rest in peace, Mom. š¤