flight risk.

perpetually tired, has-been writer.  

[bluejaysong]

forever jealous of people who are able to just think and live for themselves.

[tiagoharris]

[bluejaysong]

i wonder at what point things shifted. i feel like these days, it's five steps forward and much more back. i wonder what part of the latest conversation we had scared you off, if it did. if you realized what you said the same way i realized; if there was a freudian slip in there somewhere you weren't even aware you exposed.

if i don't reach out, i'm inclined to believe you never will, and maybe that's for the best. these days i don't even feel like i belong to myself anymore, with how stretched thin i am running side quests i don't even want to fulfill for people who just keep asking for more.

when the only good i had was placed in someone who wasn't even aware and who doesn't really care... well, at that point, that's on me.

[bluejaysong]

the weight of words;  “i miss you” versus “i missed you”  two extra characters that drastically change the meaning of words delivered

(or maybe that’s me being dramatic). 

the wait of words  the transition between  “i like you” and “i love you”  wondering if it will ever come  and if they do, how one would respond. 

maybe that’s not something i have to  worry about anyway.

[bluejaysong]

a love so fragile it just exists. if it could be held i still wouldn't afraid to taint it; afraid it'll shatter. all i can and want to do is stare at it, afraid to even blink in case it disappears. such a beautiful thing, and yet so much to be afraid of. is this what love is meant to be? something that can only be seen and not for me to experience?

[hildeeveraert]

[bluejaysong]

grieving over something i never had but could have been is always rough because i'm the type of person that likes to think about alternate timelines and parallel universes and there are so many of them that feature you and now i'm having to learn to let it all go.

[bluejaysong]

he's not you, but maybe that's what i need.

[bluejaysong]

did i give you my best years or did you give me my worst so i could have my best after you?

[remanence-of-love]

[bluejaysong]

when no one reaches out to you these days tell me, is that a blessing or a curse? days don't even seem like yours anymore nights for yourself make you feel guilty when you're alone these days tell me, is that a blessing or a curse?

does the noise pollution from the day bother you? are you able to cry in silence at night? did you find a shoulder to cry on? do you still have a shoulder to cry on? but then again, did you ever?

do they ever ask anymore? do they think it's the norm? do they even care anymore? do they still think you're fine?

is your mask slipping or have you gotten better? have you gotten better? these days, is living a blessing or a curse? have you gotten better? yet?

[bluejaysong]

finally remembered my login for this site.

[bluejaysong]

my mom would always beg me to find someone and settle down, to which i would have war flashbacks to my last relationship and how difficult it was to tolerate the abuse and vehemently say that i would simply get a dog instead.

"would a dog know how to take care of you when you're old and sick?" she would cry.

"i could train it," i would say, matching her tone every time she would say this.

but now i realize, as she is most of the time about these things, that she is right, and it would be infinitely easier to say to someone "i'm sick, could you please pick something up for me at the store."

it hasn't clicked yet, but there is a small sound i can make out.

[bluejaysong]

you risk losing me either way.

[bluejaysong]

sometimes i wonder if i sneak into your life the same way you sneak into mine. these snippets that come back to me whenever i’m in town; i wonder if i still know the way to your house without gps, or what your mom would say if i showed up one day (but i don’t even remember what she looks like). i hear some things in that distinct tone of voice. some memories on campus that i don’t dare go back to because, well. we aren’t those people anymore i guess. i wonder if things between us could have been resolved but i think you wanted to grow up to fast; had something to prove to people who didn’t mean much to me, but meant a great deal to you. could things have ended different? would we still keep in touch today, or were we just meant to grow apart? 

these are questions i will never get the answer to, and i know this. but there are some days i’m hopeful. but i haven’t deleted your number from my phone (maybe you have). maybe that’s the first step to move forward. 

[kurrusu]

[grayskymorning]