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December, 2017

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As the train doors opened, I actually threw up in my hand. It wasn't even a small amount—we're talking projectile vomiting. Shortly after that, I hyperventilated so much that I passed out.

TW// discussion of phobias, self-harm, disordered behaviours

This is a long post!

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Hey this is me! 3 years of weekly/fortnightly sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy really helped erode my emetophobia/depression/GAD, so I'm way better at general stuff like eating in public and taking public transit now, and don't rely on safety behaviours any more (yay!) besides being more careful than most people about eating right and practicing good oral hygiene, which aren't detrimental to my daily functioning so I don't stress about them. So I would really recommend CBT for anyone dealing with a phobia. (And don't be afraid to accept medication, either.)

But just as an FYI— the article touches upon this— my emetophobia manifested when I was 11, after a few years of on-and-off bullying by a couple of girls for being "gross"/"disgusting"/"ugly" for not shaving my legs/armpits or plucking my eyebrows. I moved schools when I was 10, and instead of entering the new school year excited that I'd be away from those bullies, I entered the year determined to not be "disgusting" any more. I started shaving my legs every day that year— twice a day if I felt stubble. In the same year, I burst out crying and couldn't stop hyperventilating after watching a video in an art film reel of a woman vomiting on the tube. I'd never felt deeply, abstractly scared of vomiting before then; while out for dinner with my family in the following days I was physically unable to swallow my food because I was frozen by the fear that it would cause me to vomit. After that, the fear only snowballed until I addressed it with a health professional, at 16.

What I'd like you to take away from this article and my post is: DON'T call children disgusting or ugly, full stop, and don't call anyone disgusting or ugly for things they can't control or that aren't really disgusting or ugly. (Most everyday things aren't.) "Sticks and stones" is demonstrably bullshit. After I recounted the above for the first psychiatrist I spoke to, she reassured me that it's often very damaging for children to be told they're disgusting. In years since, I've read more about psychological disorders and been struck by how many of them—eating disorders, self mutilation, etc.— have been observed to be linked to feelings of self-disgust rooted in childhood abuse through accusations of grossness or ugliness.

We can't always prevent kids from being cruel, but as adults we can model healthy behaviours for them. Childcare workers and/or parents have even more influence for modelling the right behaviours. Try not to call people gross without asking yourself if it's really warranted first. And if you notice yourself calling people "disgusting" or “ugly” really frequently, maybe do a little introspection and consider what insecurities or stressors are making you lash out.

#emetophobia #phobia #psychology #anxiety