WRITE SPACE

the things that cross my complicated mind

[niclasvonschedvin-blog]

[blxhm-blog]

Is it bad to want to lose yourself in someone else because lately I can’t stand being alone but all I am all the time is alone but burying my soul in someone else’s lips is easier than waking up to the empty space here

[blxhm-blog]

Is it bad to want to lose yourself in someone else because lately I can't stand being alone but all I am all the time is alone but burying my soul in someone else's lips is easier than waking up to the empty space here

[blxhm-blog]

Long black hair to her waist that curves ever so perfectly, lips so full the memory of them still haunts you in the daylight sometimes. Touch so gentle yet so passionate and demanding I can still feel the careful tracing if I try. A laugh that makes you fall in love ten times over and a voice that truly was an angel if you ever did believe in them, it would be her. She was a love witch. In my core, in my aching bones, I hear her laugh rumbling in my chest so deep it’s an all but a forgotten memory. Now, she is with another. 

[blxhm-blog]

The thing you have to understand about hospitality as an industry is that you are not going to love it all the time. That is inevitable fact. People, for the most part, suck. They’re rude, impatient, loud, messy, unempathetic, cold, and ungrateful. Staff get clicked at, yelled at, cried to, argued with, glared at, it’s a bit of a nightmare. People often forget that staff in hospitality are people too. It is so easy to dehumanise someone when you don’t know them. They’re just a thing behind a desk, behind the bar, bringing food to the table. We’re not real to the most part of people. Not everyone is like that though. Once in a blue moon a ray of sunshine will walk through the door radiating positivity and gratitude. They will ask you about your day in return, say please and thank you, and goddamn they will even smile at you. You can never underestimate how important a smile is. These customers, they’re the ones we do it for. Not for Barbra with her cold ice stare and black Centurion American Express card with no limit. They are the ones who are not real. We want to help Steve and his wife and 3 kids plan that trip to the zoo because little Alex wants to see the lions, and later that day he will come back telling you how great they were. The thing about hospitality you learn to understand is that you are not going to love it all the time, but the moments in which you do are the ones that make it all worth it.

[blxhm-blog]

The insomnia is bad again. I find myself unknowingly procrastinating sleep, it's as though it is going to sweep me up into it's arms and engulf me forever. I've memorized every inch of my ceiling. My mind is blank, no thoughts, no dreams, no sadness, just nothing. The photographs on the wall a reminder of simpler times. I miss the girl I used to be sometimes. All I want is sleep, but my body denies it. I suppose I'll just wait for the sun.

[blxhm-blog]

It’s funny how many things in life we just seem to accumulate. Useless objects, things we hide away in drawers and cupboards unused yet we don’t throw them away. Why is that? Myself, I am awful at it. I have boxes of things from my childhood at teen years that I will never use or look at again, but when the spring clean time comes around and they’re rediscovered I never have the heart to throw them away. It’s funny how attached we get to things. Items. Objects. Pieces of plastic and metal intertwine in a certain way to make something new, something different. Pretty things, shiny things, broken things, torn things, I keep them all, because each one holds a memory. It’s like throwing away a piece of me as if I am cutting off long hair to the scalp. Photographs too. I have so many photographs of so many things. Family, friends, people I used to call friends… I don’t throw these away or delete them because if I do it's losing a part of my life I will never get back. But its only plastic. Its only millions of tiny pixels displayed in the right sequences to show a memory of a time you wouldn’t even remember happened anyway. Still, you keep it. Place it back in the box, under that chair in your mothers’ wardrobe, waiting until next year comes. Repeat.

[blxhm-blog]

You never think it’ll be one of your friends. It’s something you always read about but is never directly impacting on you. Something that makes you sad, but you’ll forget about it within a few moments. Until one day it is one of your friends. You read the article “Fatal accident closes SH1 heading south” followed by the emotionless facts. “Traffic is being diverted. The crash involves a car and a truck. One confirmed dead.” The journalists don’t know them, it’s just another unfortunate incident that happened today. There will be another one tomorrow, and sure that one will be sad too, but that one wasn’t one of your friends. You’ll get a call at 2am saying it has been confirmed to be him. The silence could tear a room in half. You won’t cry straight away. You won’t believe it’s true because you’ll never think it’ll be one of your friends. The posts will start appearing on social media, as the new article releases “fatal crash victim named.” It still won’t sink in for a few days. When it does you’ll ask so many questions, most you will never get answers to. What if I had spoken to him when he crossed my mind last week? Why did no one notice he wasn’t doing so well? Did anyone know he was going to do this? Why does no one speak about mental health? What made him go through with it? You’ll think about the last time you saw them, the good memories, read through old messages and sort through old photos. Nothing will bring them back though, you just have to be there to support each other until one day, in the near future, the hurt doesn’t hurt so much. You just need to look out for the people around you, so the next one isn’t one of your friends.

[blxhm-blog]

Don't u hate when you're in the shower and you start thinking about things like how different things could be if you had said something different or gone some place else or decided on another choice and then you start wishing for things that you could have had but you know you never really will ever have because that's not who you are anymore and it's of no fault of your own that you're feeling down but you can't go back and say something different or choose a different route in life you're stuck with what's in front of you and you gotta make do with what you have because you can't just stop when you hit a wall you have to find a way around it or over it or through it because you promised you would because everyone in this world let's you down but you never let anyone down you're always the one who keeps their promises and that's the reason you always get hurt because you don't have any boundaries and maybe you should've put some up somewhere along your path but you can't go back to fix the choices you made and the things you said to get you in the position you're in now the one you always end up in and you always wish there was a way things could be different this time but you know they're never going to be different because you have to change yourself before any of that can happen but you're finally happy in who you are and that you're kind and smart and loyal and pretty and thin and you can't figure out what you ever did wrong but you did something wrong along the way you just can't see it and everyone else can but maybe you never did anything wrong maybe the world just isn't ready for someone like you yet and one day it will be but for right now you have to try and promise yourself that you are going to be good this time and the old habits are going to stay old habits because you have grown too much to even think about that sort of stuff you're not twelve anymore you're an adult but that frightens you because you have no idea what you're doing with yourself and where your next choice is going to take you and who is going to be there at the end and you've been thinking so long in this shower that you didn't even realise the water had gone cold

[blxhm-blog]

"As always, all I should have said, was I loved you" or maybe I should have just stayed far far far away because maybe if I had never met you then maybe I would not feel so God damn empty all the time and maybe I wouldnt have these uncontrollably epic mood swings where the ground falls out from under me and my breath hitches in my throat and maybe you never would have met her and seen that she is everything I hoped I could be and more and I was never going to ever be enough and maybe if we had just ended that call there or if I hadn't flown over or if I had never kissed your God damn perfect mouth then maybe I would be okay but I don't know how to make things better anymore and I fucking hate you for this and the worst part is that you can't see what you did to me and maybe just maybe you don't even care enough about me anymore for me to even bother visiting or even come back because you'll spend all your time at work and she will get the place I called my home and my safe place but that is all gone now and I'll be cast aside like you did to me when I left because they reality of it all is that I was just someone to fill your emptiness until you realised that I'm as hollow as a pin pricked egg and maybe I'll always be like this but I wish I'd never said I loved you and I wish you had never taken me on that trip away because none of this would have happened and maybe I would still be okay but instead I'm here trying to find reasons to still be here but all I'm finding is reasons to not come back

[blxhm-blog]

I think that it is so important, now more than ever, for us all to take a look around and appreciate this beautiful life we have been so grateful to exist within. The past few months have taught me a lot about myself and those surrounding me and what I have learned most is that things are temporary, but there are such wonderful things to explore and experience and I am so glad I am still here to see them. We make our own happiness and can't rely on others to make it for us. I am so overjoyed to see my friends grow and discover themselves and glorious new opportunities. There is so much happiness to be had in the world, all you have to do is seek it out