She’s not sure how long she stands there for, but it’s long enough to lose herself in memories, feelings long forgotten and nostalgia that cuts deep. In loss. Jaime’s hyper aware of the fact that she’s placed herself like this ( she’s not above the admission that she’d played a major role in destroying what they’d had ) and that’s possibly what makes things all the more painful. She’s unsure if there’s anyone else, if there has been anyone else, but she’s heard rumours and whispers from friends who had thought that they were doing her a favour. But it’s weird, daunting, uncomfortable knowing that she’s no longer the one who hides her face in Bodhi’s shoulder during the peak of a horror movie, who insists that the other’s t-shirts are just that more comfortable than her own, that hers aren’t the fingers that fit so perfectly between Bodhi’s own. That someone else makes little braids in her hair when they’re lying in the grass, reads her her horoscope in the morning and drops by the spa to leave her with a kiss and a coffee cup with a messily scrawled heart on it. And perhaps all the thinking has calmed her down, or maybe she’s just burned herself out. But she’s tired of fighting with her. Her shoulders slump. There’s no way of knowing how she’d feel tomorrow, or even later on in the day, but she can’t find it in her to be angry anymore. The turmoil is turbulent in that sense, and she’s not yet used to the tightness of her chest and the harsh breathing that accompany her burning resent. A flicker of emotion glimmers just so beneath the stone capping her expressionless features. Green eyes, greying with emotion, soften, only slightly.
Those aren’t the words Jaime expects to hear, but then again, there’s nothing else that could be more fitting for their situation. And it’s a simple reminder that Bodhi still cares, reminiscent of the hours spent frozen in the rain. How Jaime’d been scolded for how she couldn’t warm up, and how she’d playfully pressed icy fingers against the warmth of Bodhi’s back. The time they’d driven out of town just to see the snowfall. They’d made snow angels and kissed the blue from their lips. Her weight shifts between her feet, part uncomfortable, part frozen. Again, she can’t warm up. “You’ll get cold,” she counters, even as a shiver makes its way through her body. She can feel Bodhi close enough to remember their mouths sliding together, the lingering smiles and playful nudges. The sweet whispers and naive declarations of promise. And it’s a new pain, a foreign one. Or maybe it’s old, finally making itself known and no longer allowing Jaime to suppress it. Her head shakes. No, she doesn’t need to hear that Bodhi’s sorry. Maybe she thinks she does, and maybe if they’d run into each other months earlier then things would be different. But even admission won’t change things, not now. Wet lashes dash down and up again. Her breath hitches in her throat, and an apology sits on the edge of her tongue, bitter and heavy. But it never comes – it never could. It would be forced, and much like the other woman admits, Jaime’s not sorry about her suspicions. Regret lies mainly in the way they turned on each other, how they twisted and tore their relationship apart. Who they’d become. How, even after months of being apart they’re still smarting from the abrupt way that things ended between them. And so she relents. “Me too,” she settles on, teeth sinking into her bottom lip. The ghost of a smile, hesitant and shy, flits across her lips momentarily. It’s tiny, and if you didn’t know her well enough, you’d miss it. The whole fibre of her being radiates quietness – she’s not good with words. But she’s trying. She’s so tired of fighting. “We were good together. Right?”
It’s the simplicity of the copied retort that brings the most exasperated breath from Bodhi’s cooling lips. By nature, she is competitive and by nature she had the ability to hold herself to a higher standard than anyone ever should but by nature she is not this combative. She is not eager for the fights and sour words but they fall as easily from her mouth these days as words of adoration did in the past. History has taught her about the permanency of actions and how lasting words can truly last a lifetime and the heartache she currently feels....well, she wonders sometimes whether that will also last a lifetime. The smartest part of her mind that is solely guided by her quick mind knows that it won’t and in time she will heal and forget all of the memories she once held so dear but her heart still feels the cracks as profoundly as they did the day the two parted ways. Because there’s a twisted beauty in the pain that she feels, knowing how much of a weight she bares on her shoulders from her own part in their break-up. She hates the way such happy memories are bordered by malicious shades of red and some details she subdues for the sake of her dry eyes. Finally gaining Jaime’s reciprocated affection is the epitome of most of the happiness Bodhi has ever felt but now she knows it has been stolen from her and that merely adds to the resounding pain in her steadily beating heart. Every detail she once burned in to her mind is tainted. Their first kiss. The first time her breath was taken away by the sight of Jaime’s bare skin. Those dizzy smiles in the aftermath of shaky breaths and panted moans. The morning smiles. The afternoon serenades. The evening walks. The night time solitude. It was all there and now....it’s washing away in the rain pouring from the dark clouds above their heads.
And then there’s Jaime’s smile. Jaime’s smile makes it feel like no rain has ever fallen and suddenly the sky is a meadow of blue and the sun is soaking her skin. Because Bodhi does not miss the way that her lips crease upward. She knows how to pay attention to every detail. She knows Jaime even after all this time. She knows the truth in their dynamic and knows how hard it is for them both. Because Bodhi can be hotheaded but Jaime was always the one to calm her down and now....it’s so twisted that her anger has been directed at the other. We were good together. Right? There’s such a resonance to those words that Bodhi takes in a sharp breath full of frigid air and raindrops. “Oh Jaime...” Her voice is so soft and tender that it’s hard to believe she was close to shouting such a short amount of time ago. “You and I...c’mon...” And now there’s a smile on her own lips, her eyes brightening as she allows thoughts to flood forward that she has so happily repressed over the past few months. “You and I were incredible. A bit of a dream really.” And there’s such sadness in the idea of dreams. Because no matter how beautiful they can be....they disappear when you finally wake up. “And I think you know that too. We were great together but it just....clearly the universe didn’t have a bigger plan for us.” And as much as Bodhi likes to place her faith in the ways of the universe, it breaks her heart that it left them like this.