ぼくの靴音

A translation blog for Domoto Tsuyoshi's "Boku no kutsu oto" articles published in Myojo from 1999 to 2005

[bokunokutsuoto]

September, 1999

For My Own Sake As Well

 While waiting at a red light, I looked up at the sky from the car’s passenger seat.

 I found myself captivated by that blue ceiling, so beautiful I felt as though my body would be drawn into it. Just as if a woman for whom I’d fallen at first sight were standing before my eyes, I was dazed.

 ‘It’d be the perfect day to stroll around and shop, if only I didn’t gotta work…’

 While I was thinking this, just when I lowered my eyes, I saw a man and a woman in unusual clothing standing right in my line of view. They were looking towards me and waving.

 ‘Who’s that…?’

 When I strained my eyes it turned out that the people waving, why, they were Kusanagi Tsuyoshi-kun and Iijima Naoko-san! The moment I realized that, for some reason, a shiver went down my spine. The two of them had just been filming for a movie (the unusual clothing = their costumes from Messengers.) I hurriedly greeted them with a, “Good morning.”

 And then, what do you know, the two of them started running over to my car! At this point, Domoto Tsuyoshi could no longer remain calm. While flustered, I welcomed them. For me, their kouhai, these two daisenpai had gone out of their way to cross the street and speak with me.

 “Have you been well?”

 Ah, you have no idea how happy that one phrase made me.

 The two of them have taken care of me from a while back. I have lots of memories of them as well.

 When I was granted the privilege of backup dancing for a SMAP tour, by some chance I had the opportunity to talk with Kusanagi-kun in a hotel room, just the two of us.

 “Tsuyoshi is Tsuyoshi, so don’t be swayed by the people around you; just let your own style come out in your work.”

 Kusanagi-kun said something along those lines and gave me a kind smile. He also told me that he made note of anything that caught his attention on TV or in magazines. Even bits of trivia - that the height of Tokyo Tower is 333 meters for example - that make you go, “Eeh, is that so?” are fine. As long as you know things like that, it might become a point of interest in a variety show. It might become an opportunity for you stand out. No, in the end it might come to nothing, but even that is fine. At the very least it won’t do any harm…

 “I think you can go about it any way you like. As long as you manage to express yourself, it’s fine. I will express myself. And you, Tsuyoshi, should carefully cultivate what it means to be you.”

 Because he said those things to me, I’ve become the person I am now. That’s something I’m truly, truly, grateful for.

 Kusanagi-kun is fashionable, kind, masculine, and has a lovely smile. That’s how I feel every time we meet. He holds a very high position on my personal ranking of cool men.

 Iijima-san also helped me a lot when we did 24 Hour Television, and since then we’ve been in a number of programs together. During 24 Hour Televion, because I wasn’t in very good health at the time, I caused her a lot of concern. During the commercial breaks she kept asking, “Are you okay?”

 Being an extremely simple man, when a beautiful older woman shows such kindness to me I can’t help smiling through my shyness. While replying with, “I’m fine!” somehow my face ends up going slack. She also gave me lots of fruits and other things. She made me feel more and more that everyone around me was working hard so I needed to work hard too. I’m a really lucky guy. I ended up feeling that sincerely…

 To return to the original story, when the light turned green the two of them called out, “Do your best!” in loud voices. Domoto Tsuyoshi successfully caught those words.

 An unlimited power welled up, encouraging me to let my footsteps ring out boldly as I walk forward from now on. I’m truly, truly thankful. For this constant support, I’m deeply grateful.

 I hope that I too, one day, beneath a blue sky like today’s, will be able to call out a “Do your best!” packed full of all kinds of things like courage, love, dreams, kindness… to somebody.

  A “Do your best!” that will inspire affection in the person who catches it.

 Until that day comes, though I don’t know yet who that person will be, for their sake I’ll have to catch kind words from lots of different people.

 Ah, that’s right, I can’t forget that, of course, it’s for my own sake as well…

[bokunokutsuoto]

August, 1999

Just As I Am

 Being just as you are is difficult.

 It looks simple, but it’s surprisingly difficult.

 I want to live without telling lies.  I want to live honestly trusting everything.  Even if I make such a wish, I’m telling lies and doubting things before I know it.  This is how I am.  Maybe it’s just a part of life that can’t be helped, but it kinda makes me feel really sad.

 In order to create an environment that’s easier to live in, humans have progressed by making many sacrifices and using a lot of effort, time, and power.  But at the very beginning, they didn’t even have words.  They were stark naked.  I feel like that is surely being just as you are.  “So can’t we just time slip back to the age of the dinosaurs and live then?” Putting it that way, I’d say it’s definitely impossible, but that sense of being as you are feels extremely beautiful to me.

 I believe that the primitive people living in ancient times had an ability to handle various emotions that far surpasses that of modern humans.  The mood of the sky, the thoughts of flowers, and of course, the feelings of people…

 It might be that due to all kinds of convenient things and the warped world that’s emerged from that convenience, people have learned to lie and contradict themselves.  

 …Never mind, all I’ve been writing about is stuff I don’t understand.  I ended up putting down the words just as they came to me.  But anyway, it’s just that I think it’s a beautiful thing to have something flow out from your heart and express it just as it is.  Sorry.  This happens to me sometimes, when inside myself I’ll take a little thing and end up expanding on it more and more in a short period of time.  At unexpected moments, like at night before I go to sleep.

 Well, I’m sure the age of the dinosaurs had its own pros and cons too, and it’s probably best if I live my life in the present without complaining.  People are people, I am myself.  Without thinking too deeply, in my own way, I’ll do my best to live in the present.

  Oh right, maybe the way to be as you are that hasn’t changed since the past is having a heart that “does its best to live in the present.”  Unchanging across eras, it’s a treasure that everyone holds in their chests.  I don’t think this treasure is something that people will lose.  Yeah, I’m sure they won’t forget it, no matter the era… Surely, surely…  ZZZZ…

A Sun Shower

 Just recently, I went to Ichihara city in Chiba Prefecture.  In order to film for a drama, I spent a long time being shaken around in a car to get there. There were mountains spread out all through the area, and in the paddy fields, diving beetles and tadpoles seemed to be having fun swimming around.  For me, it was a very pleasant place.  My family home is in Nara, but there was a similar aura to Nara’s drifting about somewhere in the laid-back atmosphere of Ichihara.  Both the train and the people, and the wind and the sky as well… They seemed to be flowing leisurely, and my heart was soothed.

 Amid that leisurely-flowing time, the drama shooting proceeded smoothly, and just as everyone was thinking, “Today we’ll be able to go home early,” something happened.  From the sky, along with the light, rain began to descend.  Softly, softly, with a gentle timbre, the raindrops came falling down.  This was while we were on the final cut, and the rain only fell in the spot where we were filming.  It was as if all the nature surrounding us was saying, “Play with us just a little longer!”

 That’s right, I’d like to become better friends with nature.  While letting the raindrops strike my face, I gazed up at the sparkling sky.  I stayed like that for a while, savoring the feeling of joining hands with nature and running around together.

 After about thirty minutes had passed, the rain stopped and filming resumed.  When we got the final “OK!” one hour later, night was thoroughly approaching.

 On the way back, I stuck my head out from the car and murmured within my heart to the scenery streaming away from me.

 Thank you.

 It was only a short time, but thank you for playing with me.  Until the day we meet again.

[bokunokutsuoto]

July, 1999

A Boy

 I, Domoto Tsuyoshi, am terrible at talking to women. Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to women, and I think it’s a lot of fun.  But no matter how hard I try, I can’t do it.  I’m completely fine if she starts talking to me first, but with quiet girls and shy girls I have a hard time.  I end up completely unable to speak.  That’s because I don’t have the courage to start a conversation.  But when there’s someone I want to talk to no matter what, I do my best and try talking to them.  If I had to say whether the conversation continues from there or not… usually it ends in failure.  It’s truly pitiful.  But in any case, I get so embarrassed I can’t stand it.

 In this way, I’m still just a boy.

 I, Domoto Tsuyoshi, am a pain in the ass.  If you ask me how so, there would be too many reasons to list here.

 In this way too, I’m still just a boy.

 I, Domoto Tsuyoshi, am a person who loves hamburgers. When I eat out at family restaurants and such, I order a hamburger almost without fail.  And on the days when I have hamburgers, for some reason my excitement lasts until bedtime.

 In this way too, I’m still just a boy.

 I, Domoto Tsuyoshi, am a coward.  I’m a coward among cowards.  My fears include thrill rides and ghosts, followed by bugs, high places, the dentist, the hospital, and let’s see, what else… Enough that once I start listing them it’ll never end.  In short, if you take the image of all the manly roles I’ve played in dramas and try placing it over me, you’ll be shocked.  I have a huge sense of justice, but beneath that sense of justice the “Cowardly Tsuyoshi” lies concealed, so please be careful with how you handle me…

 In this way too, I’m still just a boy.

 I, Domoto Tsuyoshi, am extremely prone to loneliness. Sleeping by myself at night makes me very lonely.  However, I have Kenshirou now so I’m all right.  Every day, I let him use my arm as a pillow, and with my other hand softly gripping the soundly-sleeping Kenshirou’s paw, I fall asleep.  Ah, come to think of it, through my early years of elementary school, didn’t I used to hold my mother’s hand while I slept?

  Good grief.  In this way too after all I am, hopelessly, still just a boy.

A Battle Against Myself

 Lately, I’ve been worrying about muscle pain.  If you ask why, it’s because I was given a role in a drama that starts in July, and I’ve been spending my days busy with filming for it.  Moreover, the role I’m playing this time is a boxer.

 When I heard what the drama was about, I was truly surprised.  Me, a boxer? I wonder if I can really do it…

 While I was still thinking over this and that, the day I was to start practicing at a boxing gym arrived.

 At the gym, lots of students were absorbed in boxing. I greeted them, then began practicing right away.  I started with some light exercises, then did three rounds with the jump rope (one round = three minutes.)  Sweat started pouring from my body immediately.  The sweat flowed just like it does when I’m in the middle of a concert. I worked out for three minutes, then rested for one minute, then worked out again for three minutes…  I repeated that over and over.  After the rope was the step.  This is an exercise where I stood on the toes of my right foot, took up a stance, then moved forward, back, left, and right.  Once I finished that, I practiced jabs and straights…  And then that day was finally over.

 Then, the second day of training.  After a light review of what I’d done last time, I practiced the one-two (a jab-straight combination.)  After I mastered that, it was body blows, hooks, guarding, weaving, ducking, mitt drills, sparring…  I learned a whole lot of things all at once.

 Because the first day of drama filming caught up with us, in the end I was only able to go to the gym three times, but I did my best to learn all I could.  The role I’m playing is that of a top class boxer, so in any case I trained frantically. Somehow it turned out all right, but building up muscles was difficult too, so even though I tend to be lazy, lately I’ve spent every night before bathing doing push-ups, sit-ups, and back exercises, two sets of thirty times each.

 Every day is hopelessly difficult, but in order to leave the world a quality performance, I am now spending all my time engaged in “a battle against myself.”

 Having new things to learn every day is a mysterious experience, both difficult and fun, but there is another self within my heart who is screaming that he wants to live right now without any regrets.

 Today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the day after that…  I’m sure I’ll be enjoying this “battle with myself.”  Definitely.

  Looking at myself, today, I feel like I’ve grown up just a little…

[bokunokutsuoto]

June, 1999

Let’s Come to Like Things

 A little while back, there was a special feature on “ants” airing on the television.  I’m extremely bad with bugs, but as long as I’m just watching them on TV I’m okay.  Ultimately, under the thrill of looking at something frightening, I ended up watching the entire thing.

 I was surprised to learn that although ants are only a few millimeters long, they build several meter long nests.  That species of ant (I forget the name) builds its nests facing in the same direction.  They produce a sticky liquid from their mouths, carry over dirt and other things, and efficiently work on the nests.  In order to protect the queen and for the sake of their own livelihood, they complete nests one after another.  Watching those ants as they put their all into it, I reaffirmed the importance of being alive.  There’s a saying, “Even the smallest bug has a large spirit,” and there I saw a world that proved just that.

 I was also moved by seeing the ants fight desperately against their natural enemies.  It made me think, I’ll fight desperately too.

 My current enemy, I believe, is myself.  Unless I can win against myself, I won’t get anywhere.

 “I hate that,” or, “I’m bad with that,” …for some reason people often end up saying things like this.  However, before making those claims I think it’s important to try approaching those things first.  For myself as well, though I’ve overcome a lot of things since moving to Tokyo, there are still a few left.  It’s fine if it takes some time, but I want to come to like them.

 Rather than continuing to hate them, coming to like them is more beneficial.  So from now on I want to come to like lots of things.  I want to embrace them.

  Just like my partner has come to be able to wear used jeans.

Staring Contest

 “I want to have something to protect.  I want to protect something other than myself.  If I don’t have that, I get worried.”

 My friend muttered this over the phone.

 “What do you mean?” I asked.

 “After starting work, I’ve realized that I’ve gradually begun to change.  For example, if you saw someone in a position of authority attacking someone without much power, and that person without power was me, what would you do?”

 “I’d defend you, of course.”

 “Even after considering your own position and the social structure, would you really be able to defend me?  Really?”

 It certainly is difficult.  There might actually be many situations in which I wouldn’t be able to defend him.  But… Thinking along these lines, I replied.

 “More important than my position, we’re fellow human beings.  Just as I couldn’t help approaching an abandoned dog, I’d want to honestly express my desire to help you.”

 When I said that, my friend let out these words.  I could sense his bottled up frustration.

 “People have gotten their hands on too many things. That’s why we have wars and problems. But if that weren’t the case, we might not be able to keep living, so it’s really difficult… To put it optimistically, maybe I’ve just become better at protecting myself since entering society. …Well, whatever.  After talking to you, I somehow feel refreshed.  I’ll call you again.”

 My friend hung up the phone.

 I started feeling extremely sad.

 My friend’s straightforward feelings hurt.  His pure feelings that shouldn’t have been painful hurt.

 Running into many walls is a part of life.  The question is how to climb over them.  By borrowing the strength of the people around you, you’ll manage to climb over them yourself in the end… The one who taught me that was my friend who just hung up the phone.  I have a feeling he told me that earlier when I was feeling depressed.

 But now our positions are reversed.  My friend has hit a wall and it’s my turn to push him forward.

 “It would be nice if we could reach a time when we can gently do away with the invisible power of authority.”

 A while back, my friend said this as well.  It may be that if they manage to see such an era, people will be able to love themselves from the bottom of their hearts.

 It really would be nice if that happened.

 If that happened, I’d be able to see my friend smile, and he’d be able to give me advice again.  He’d gain lots of confidence and create a moving environment that everyone would be able to see.

 I’ve been through a lot, but because I’ve been through a lot I am the person I am now.  That’s a truly happy thing.  So from now on I’m going to try hard and fight against lots of different walls. I’ll have a staring contest with them, and I’ll laugh.

  And then, we’ll become friends. 

[bokunokutsuoto]

May, 1999

Trees

 I, Domoto Tsuyoshi, love trees.  I love trees that live with their bulky roots clinging to the earth.  “Not losing to the rain nor losing to the wind, a man who lives kindly, strongly, without avarice,” …is a phrase that appears in the song of a certain band, but to me that is precisely the image I have of trees.

 When I idly head to the park, without fail the trees are there to greet me dressed up in green leaves or colorful leaves depending on the season.  Just by sitting alone surrounded by those trees, my heart is greatly soothed.

 Just like the feeling of getting into a bath… Even in the dead of winter there’s still a sense of warmth, and that vaguely toasty feeling is wonderful.

 Sometimes, while the trees watch over me, I close my eyes, spread my hands wide, and fly through the sky inside my head.  By picturing these kinds of daydreams, I wash away the stress that’s built up at work.  One day, I think it would be nice to live in a place enveloped by nature.

 I heard from someone that trees do indeed possess the power to alleviate people’s stress.  That’s why there’s a surprising degree of difference between the stress levels of those who live in houses made of reinforced concrete and those who live in houses made of wood.  That made sense to me.  For someone like me who has a natural tendency to overthink things, trees might make for ideal companions.

 In my life from this point on, as I knock on the door of my twenties and walk through it, I am sure I will come to demand for nature more than is usual.  In order to face the other “Domoto Tsuyoshi” who was fabricated before I knew it, even if my demands are refused, there is no doubt that it will turn out that way.

 ‘Cause the world today is full of things I don’t get.

 To be honest, I don’t need a fabricated “Domoto Tsuyoshi.”  I would like to be able to feel, create, and love many things just as I am.  Just like when I’m with the trees, I want to cast off the things that suffocate me and walk forward with pride.

 And once I’ve done that, I want the people I love and my children to take a look at my back.

 “Papa’s back is big, isn’t it?”

  If I heard my child murmur something like that in the bath, I think I would be very very happy.

Living Things

 Life.  Writing it out like this or saying the word aloud may be simple, but I would like many people, people all across the world, to reaffirm that the word “life” is precious.

 Currently, in this complex society, countless lives are being extinguished or are extinguishing themselves.

 Just recently, I heard something in the news. I wrestled over whether to write about it or not, but it made me so angry I couldn’t help it, so I’m going to write.

 Apparently in a certain district there is something called a “dog mailbox.”  Basically, people put dogs in there the same way they would throw letters into a post office mailbox.  The box is divided into seven rooms, which are switched out and transported each day. One week later, the dogs are taken to a gas chamber.

 Depending on the breed, some dogs can live up to fifteen or sixteen years, but if they’re placed in that box they become like cicadas, with their lifespan shortened to just one week.  Unless they are lucky and an owner comes to collect them or some other means of dealing with them is discovered, there is no way they can be saved…  I was deeply shocked that these people exist, such terrible owners who were all right with the idea of putting their dogs in that box.

 Within society, there are all kinds of rules like this.  It’s really troubling.  Even if you don’t want to accept them, you have no choice but to accept them, and even if you don’t want to hurt someone else, you have to cause them pain… Horrible things like this are all over the place.

 I have only just entered society, so my knowledge and experience are limited and I can’t say anything too audacious.

 But even so, I wonder if it’s all right for me to just do whatever I can in my own way…

 I wonder if it’s all right to just create whatever world is within the limits of my expression…

 I spend my days constantly worrying like this, but of course that alone won’t do.  By my side I have Kenshirou, a puppy I see as my own child, and Manu, a larger dog, as well. I would like to at least raise these two dogs properly.  I have resolved to treasure these two living things who are always smiling beside me.

 Among the people reading this article, if anyone is thinking of extinguishing a life or discarding a life, I implore you to please rethink what you are doing.  And then I want you to feel it, the warmth of living things…

 That is what I want to impart to lots of people.

  In any case, this, for now, is the most I can do.

[bokunokutsuoto]

April, 1999

Snow 

January 24, 1999. I was deep in the mountains of Hachiouji working on a drama.

 Though the sun was shining faintly, the wind was extremely cold.  I suppose it was after we’d spent about two hours there.  From the sky, a countless number of presents arrived.  I let them fall on the palm of my hand, unable to hide that I was moved.  Those gifts are cold, but somehow they possess a reassuring warmth.  They’re also white, small, fleeting…

 Disheartened faces, indifferent faces, a variety of complicated expressions appeared among the people around me.  It’s only natural that things would turn out that way.  Because thanks to this gift, we might have to stop filming.  There were many people saying, “To stop in the middle and have to come back and film again even though we’ve taken the time to travel this far, it’s too much.”

 But, in the midst of this, there was one guy whose heart had started dancing.  That was the gutless man called Domoto Tsuyoshi.  “Keep falling, keep falling.  Please build up nice and high ♡,” that man implored of the sky inside his heart.

 Ignoring all of the worried and displeased faces, he kept imploring mightily.

 And the gift, betraying the feelings of so many people, continued to fall more and more.

 However, though it seemed for a moment that we might have to stop, the shoot somehow finished safely.  In order to warm up their chilled bodies, everyone crowded around the nabe to eat.  Amidst breath that danced white, the sound of laughter was unceasing.  Everyone was filled with the satisfaction of finishing their work.

 Just then, I overheard these words.

 “For this much to come down, does it have some kind of grudge against us? Seriously, the sky today is quite the prankster.”

 That’s not it.  The reason why so much snow fell.  It’s because Domoto Tsuyoshi cast a powerful spell on the sky.

 Nobody realized that that was the case.

  Nor that the true prankster was not the sky, but me…. 

It Would Be Nice if the Sun Came Out

 Thanks to a certain TV show, I encountered the guitar about two years ago.  At first, practicing was an annoyance.  After about two months had passed, I became somewhat able to play and it grew to be more fun. I got caught up in it and decided to try writing music and lyrics, the product of which was a song called, “Yasashisa wo mune ni daite.”  It was an exceedingly simple and straightforward break-up song.

 After writing it I felt like a thoroughly gloomy person, but a large number of people told me that they liked the song.  Frankly, I was glad.

 However, while listening to this song a number of times, I suddenly found myself feeling extremely lonely.  The word “parting” that appears in the lyrics lingered in my ears, and though I didn’t have any personal experience with the contents of the song, a memory of my path home from junior high school floated into my head.

 On that day, I walked home with tears brimming in my eyes. While thinking, “Today might be the last time I walk this path,” I slowly, slowly walked along the gently sloping hill of that street.  My chest ached and I was miserable, but there was nothing I could do about it; even now I can remember my frustration.  Without properly telling my friends that we had to part, I made to leave the city I was raised in…

 The path I chose in order to grasp my dreams was a rugged one.  For about the first six months after coming to live in the huge metropolis of Tokyo, I had an upset stomach every day.  That probably happened because I was faint-hearted and ended up thinking too much about everything.  I had a tendency to lapse immediately into self-loathing.  It was troubling.

 But precisely because I am who I am, I now have my family, my close friends, my work colleagues, and people who support me.

 I am prouder of that than I am of anything else.  I’m a damned lucky man!

 Humans, when driven into a corner, have a tendency to mistakenly believe they’re alone.  Even I, who am supported by so many people, had times when I felt that way.

 But that is not the case.

 If you end up feeling that way, it simply means that you are only focusing on yourself, because that is how deeply you have been hurt.

 I now think that it is precisely those times when you ought to try paying attention to your surroundings.  There is a part of me that finds it aggravating to depend on other people. But when I complain and when I cry, that is still part of who I am, so when that happens I will try to love the person I am at those times.  By themselves, people are weak creatures who cannot grasp dreams, hope, or love.

 It would be nice if everyone could stop fighting, and walk forward while helping one another.

  And it would be nice if, tomorrow, the sun came out…

[bokunokutsuoto]

March, 1999

Words

 This is a story from quite a while ago, but with a folk guitar in one hand, I headed out to the park on my own.  The wind was a little cold, and fallen leaves covered the ground.  I walked leisurely across them and chose a large tree that stood before my eyes as my destination.  I sat down heavily and started by playing “Fmaj7.”  It was a little lonely by myself, but I don’t dislike spending time this way.  The sky was a clear blue, as if the sea had turned itself upside down.  I closed my eyes and turned my face toward the sky for a while.

 I guess about thirty minutes had passed when the sound of birds calling woke me from my doze.  The waterfowl swimming elegantly by the water’s edge were being bullied by some crows.  The part of me that wanted to get up and help them immediately and the part of me that thought I shouldn’t meddle in their world fought within my heart.  The crows just continued their threats with their sharp beaks…  And at that moment, suddenly, a certain scene from my junior high school days replayed inside my memory.

 The protagonist within my memory went to his homeroom teacher and told on some of his clubmates for buying snacks after school. From that day on, he became the target of bullying.  Not only violent words assaulted him, but a wave of attacks of all kinds.  Even so, he had confidence in himself and didn’t regret his actions.  I was envious of that strength.  Because he was one of my closest friends, I tried my hardest to protect and encourage him. I may have done the same even if we hadn’t been close, but those days were truly painful.  The reason why was that the people bullying him were also some of my closest friends.  I stepped up in a number of ways, but nothing changed and I ended up transferring to Tokyo. I haven’t heard his voice since the last time I talked to him on the phone.

 I can accept the law of survival of the fittest among animals other than humans, but in the human world I cannot.  Why is that?

 It is because human beings have language. Because with the use of words, we should be able to save many human hearts.

  We can use words to encourage people, but sometimes to hurt them as well.  With the precious treasure called words, I would like to talk and sing a lot from now on. As long as by doing that, I can save the people around me…

Bruises on the Heart

 Like any other day, the sun rises and the city begins to move.

 Because it’s a holiday there aren’t many cars on the road, but by noon people appear in the city to disgorge the stress and suffering they have been holding on to day by day.  I also went out into the city as one of those people.  What I’d chosen to do was read a book while having a leisurely lunch at a family restaurant.  First I opened the menu, and then I probably took about fifteen minutes to look at it. Indecisive as I am, I have a hard time choosing what I want to eat and it always ends up like this.  I finally settled on hamburger with demi-glace sauce and rice, and, although it might not match very well, iced milk tea.  And then I set upon a journey to enjoy a carefree time, reading quietly with the sun slanting through the window by my seat.

 But at that moment, as if to destroy my peace, a loud sound came from behind me.

 It was a child, around five years old.  Just as I thought, It’s a child, it can’t be helped, the palm of his father’s hand flew forward. That palm was drawn straight in to the child’s cheek.  Within me, time had stopped.

 While thinking, There was no need to go that far…, I looked at the child’s face. He was enduring it with his mouth drawn tightly together.  When I looked even closer, I saw a heart-wrenching collection of bruises scattered all over the child’s body.  Bruises not from falling while playing, but clearly from being hit on his arms and legs…

 The father, as if nothing had happened, rose from his seat, paid, and headed out.  The child glanced at a toy near the entrance, then followed.  Perhaps because he truly wanted the toy, he clung to his fast-paced father’s clothing, did his best to match his father’s stride, and smiled as if to try to gain his father’s favor.

 Somehow I felt so desolate that for a while I could neither read nor eat.

 I took a slight break in my journey to think.  I figured that I, who was reading while I ate, was being much ruder than that child who had begged so insistently for the toy.  That child was only honestly asking for attention from his father.  He hadn’t done anything wrong…

[bokunokutsuoto]

February, 1999

The Beginning of the Story

 The words, time, feelings, and such that are about to flow from now on are the very world I am living in from day to day.  What is Domoto Tsuyoshi thinking about, what motivates him, what worries him, what makes him laugh… I would like many stories to enter your imagination and so, now, I have opened this “door.”

 The animals we call humans can be divided into a variety of different types.  Both the animal called me and the animal called you who are currently running your eyes over this essay, are each one of those types.  And so, since from now on I will be presenting unimaginable stories, stories you can empathize with from the bottom of your heart, stories that you can’t stop crying over, all kinds of different “journeys,” there is one thing I would like to tell you first.

 The human called Domoto Tsuyoshi is an animal so negative that the word deserves a “super” in front of it.

 In some situations I’m positive, but I am essentially a man with negative thoughts.  As long as you understand that, please enjoy this “journey.”  Now then, this is a bit sudden, but let’s begin.

 Lately I’ve been thinking  often about myself.  I didn’t really do that in 1998, but in the past I’ve broken down because I got too caught up in thinking about unnecessary things and lied to myself.  I’m the type of person who rarely speaks his own opinion, and my disposition is such that even if I’m unhappy with someone else’s opinion, I choose to “let it lie.”  I realized that because of this, invisible baggage like stress built up easily inside my heart without my realizing.  And so, I would like to live in a way that is kinder to myself.

 I’m sure there are countless numbers of people who, like me, feel smothered by their personalities, but recently I have found that although I am like this, there are times when I am able to like myself. Those times are when I think of these words: “It’s okay not to become a strong person.  Even if you are weak, as long as you can be strong when it’s important, that is enough,” or “I don’t want to stop noticing my own pain and the pain of others the stronger I become.  If strength means losing my tender heart, I’m fine being weak.  I’m full of gratitude towards my weak self.”

  When I look up at the clear blue sky, or when I walk through a town at dusk, these words overlap with the scenery, and I am able to love myself from the bottom of my heart.  I return to my pure self.  And as the person who is saying these things, I also love myself.

A Small Palm 

Recently I had a sudden break from work, so I took a walk around my neighborhood.  After I’d walked for about twenty minutes, a mother and child came from the other direction, holding hands tightly and smiling.  The mother, looking slightly worn out, had a shopping bag dangling from her hand. And then she let out a huge yawn. The child spoke, as if to encourage his mother.

 “Mom, are you okay? Look, the sky is so blue!”

 And then the mother, as if to hide the fact that she’d yawned, answered with, “A bug just flew in my mouth. I’m fine.”

 Because I normally allow myself to be swept away by the swift flow of time, encountering this sort of peaceful scene suddenly soothed my heart.

 Upon entering society and starting work, I saw many things that I despise, like lies and contradictions.  I swore to myself that even after becoming an adult I wouldn’t behave that way, but now at 19 years old, in order to protect myself within this world there have been times when I have unintentionally acted in the very way I despise.  At these times, the part of me that wants to condemn myself and the part of me that wants to comfort myself carry on fighting within my heart.  In the end they settle, but I don’t want to have to see myself like this if possible.

 To return to what I was speaking about earlier, the gift of love that the child gave to his mother may have been something trivial, but the straight-forward words within that gift’s box, “The sky is blue,” struck my heart.  Children are very good at finding tiny blessings; they treasure them and they know how much fun it is to experience them throughout their entire bodies.  Furthermore, I have a feeling they’re trying to share them with us.  For example, by saying, “The sky is blue”…

 Domoto Tsuyoshi will soon turn 20 years old, but in a good way, I’d like to move soundly towards adulthood.  Even when I open the door to my 30s and my 40s, I’d like to go forward holding tightly to a bag stuffed full of tiny blessings.

 Yes, just like the small palm of the child’s hand clinging to his mother’s, with that same strength…

[bokunokutsuoto]

Preface

 Myojo-san, these six years that you’ve allowed me to walk alongside all of your readers have passed by in a flash.

 Now that this book is being published, I myself have been given the opportunity to reread these essays from the beginning.

 Many many images have bloomed of me in the midst of my journey, aiming for the sky while my heart wavered in a blizzard of cruel reality and fantasy.

 When I think of it now… the juvenile remarks and overly blunt expressions that peep their faces out here and there make me so embarrassed that I want to hide myself.  However, with the help of everyone’s love-filled guidance, a “radiance” to match the number of stars in the sky has spread as well.

 The person I was back then awkwardly… at times courageously… walked upon this magnificent stage called life.

 I walked it using not my head, but my heart.

 This mysterious sound that can only emerge from the warmth of two lives coming together, “The Sound of My Footsteps,” now, while looking back fondly, I would like to make it resonate towards you.

 With all my thanks to those who have accompanied me…

  Domoto Tsuyoshi