How I Developed Anorexia
• Much of my mother’s side of the family is overweight or on the heavier side. I couldn’t stand thinking that I would be that huge.
• A lot of my dad’s side is super skinny. I wanted to be just as thin and tall my 100 pound grandmother, not my mother’s side, most of them weighing at least 300 pounds.
• My mom’s side of the family telling me that I would be “fat just like them” as they all laughed and stuffed themselves full of food.
• I used to cut myself. My mom found my blades and yelled at me for hours that night. I found a different way to harm myself.
• It made people notice me. People are trying to be my friends now.
• I was in a state of depression and wanted control of something.
• It was just a diet at first. Now it’s an adiction.
• Nothing feels as good as my mom’s side of the family gawking over how tiny I am.
• The look of jealousy from my cousins.
• My grandmother begging for me to eat more at family summer camping because of how skinny I am.
• My aunt not being able to make jokes about how fat I am anymore because she’s nearly double my size.
•"Holy shit, Brandon! Your cousin got hot!“
• I felt accomplished ordering only a coffee, a slice of avocado toast, and a poached egg and being able to take half of it home because I eat so much and felt so full.
• The waiter flirting with me as I blushed furiously and giggled the entire time.
• Offering me more coffee as he took away my family’s syrup caked, pancake crusted plates from the table.
• Writing his phone number in the To-Go box when he handed my leftovers to me.
• Going on early morning runs in the park and not feeling my stomach jiggle.
• “You have hit a negitave net intake” messages from my calorie app.
• Making everyone in school awe over me now that I’m thin.
• Even the football boys talk to me and are all flirty now.
• “I’ll buy you a coffee. Just eat something, okay?” Says the average weight cheerleader that I aspire to be.
• “Do you want my chips? You have to be hungry!” Says the overweight girl who is trying to lose the weight just a little too quickly.
• “You drink black coffee? Badass!” The football player high-fives me during class when we’re running on the track.
• “I probably deadlift more than you!” The quarterback gawks over me now.
• “Do you want my jacket? You’re shivering!” Another boy wraps me in his leather jacket to keep me warm. The football players from earlier glare, wishing that was one of their jackets over my shoulders instead of the bad boy biker’s leather.
• I refuse to date any of the football boys. Why? Because they only liked me when I lost weight. At least the bad boys cared about me when I was fat, too.
• I can lay on the floor and catch guys looking at my ribs and hipbones when I laugh.
• “You’re so small!” Leather jacket from before can wrap his arms around my waist so tightly now.
• He can also wrap his fingers around the top of my arm, right along with my wrist with plenty of space to spare in between.
• If you couldn’t tell, him and I are close and he’s the only acceptable one I would even consider dating if he asked.
• Him and I have so many calorie jokes.
• “What do you eat in a day? A single cracker?”
• “Hey, sweetheart, how many calories are in this?”
• “Why did you take a cooking class if you just give me all your food?” This boy is a literal garbage disposal and he’s so tall and skinny. He’s literal male thinspo.
• His hands fitting inside of my hips so easily that it makes me shiver under him.
• He looks so giant and masculine next to me and we both love it.
• But I didn’t lose the weight for a guy.
• I lost it because I’m addicted to the way I’ve changed.
• I can’t stop anymore.
Please, stay safe🍂
