i was curled on top of jake taking in all the beautiful features of his face in a way where i just couldn’t help myself and looking into his eyes while he told me beautiful things that i understood with my whole heart. i understand his pain, i like to think i truly really do, because i believe he understands a lot of mine. i remember being lost in everything he was saying and letting his words and everything physical consume me in that moment. his face, his expression, the comfort of being pressed against him, and my thumb on his cheek. he started crying and all i could think is how enamored i am by his pain and how beautifully he expresses it. it takes a certain outlook and perspective on the world to feel that pain and i always thought i was truly so alone in that. even though jake doesn’t like being called pretty, i think he’s very pretty when he cries. i could feel his pain so deeply in that moment and all i wanted to do was hold him and lay on that disgusting floor with him forever. he doesn’t deserve that pain, but that pain is what makes things even more beautiful. it’s the intensity of it all. he spoke so many beautiful things to me and i started crying with him. it’s almost as if i could feel my bare soul wrapped around his. we cried on that floor and held each other in a puddle of who knows what, and i think it was the most intimate thing i have ever experienced in my life. it felt as if we were both completely naked in that moment, more than in a physical sense. he told me he loves me. he told me he loves me. he told me he loves me. i love him. it was so painful and scary and beautiful and raw, we cried together filled with all those things. an i love you from someone has never meant so much to me until that moment. i love you i love you i love you i love you. i will never forget. how could i ever forget. all i want is you. now that i have you how am i supposed to live life without you. i will look for bits of jake in every person i meet, but there will never be another jake. there is so many imperfect scary things about him that are so perfect and exciting to me. he’s fucking insane and i love it. i remember him throwing down the bag filled with beer and watching him go in a frenzy of hitting anything he could get his hands on, while i drowned out whatever my mom was yelling as she followed behind me and all i could do was laugh. it was in the most admirable way possible. he’s fucking nuts just like me, it makes me feel so good. it’s orgasmic really, i’ve never seen myself in anyone else but him. the technicalities of everything are truly horrifying, but i can’t find it in me to care. all that matters is that jake is in my life. i remember him holding me in that dirty storage closet while i looked at our reflection in the washing machine door. we were so wet and gross and disheveled. i could feel his tears on my skin. he told me if by the time were 30 and married and bored we should just marry each other and be jackie and jake. i know it sounds so insane but i love that idea. the first night we met i told him he’s invited to my wedding. somehow i knew that night, that i was never gonna let him out of my life. a connection like that is just something you don’t let go of, and i will never let go of jake. he’ll always have such a special piece of my mind heart and soul. he’s gonna break my heart so badly at the end of this month when he leaves for college, in a way i can’t put into words. i’ll miss you with my whole heart. i’ll miss the smell of ciggarettes on denim, and his intense glare, i’ll miss the texture of his hair twirling through my fingers, and how i can’t seem to look away from his face, i’ll miss his voice and the way he sings, i’ll miss having constant bruises from him, and tasting blood in our kiss. i’ll miss the way he touches me, and our mindraping sex. i’ll miss him kissing my forehead and his stupidly massive ego, i’ll miss having no one worth calling to smoke a cigarette with, ill miss running with him through the grass, i’ll miss dancing together, ill miss laying on the ground together.
