life's a losing game (when you don't play)

how far away can i walk / till i'm way too far from home / i wish i knew

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“You said it the other day! You said you may not get there again.” Finn said and blinked back tears. “You said that you didn’ know what you wanted or needed. That maybe this wasn’ meant fer us again and I said i’d wait it out wit ya but then you said we needed to start out as mates and I realized I couldn’t do it. I can’t wait just ta hear the words no.” Finn said. “I know how ya feel about me, I can see it all over yer face and I think that makes it harder. That you can feel that way about me and still decide that yer better off.” Finn said and took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. “I’ve already had to say goodbye to a person I literally killed. I don’ wanna kill ya too by sticking around and bein’ too much when yer not ready” Finn said and looked back at the door. “Bonnie it’s not that I don’ want you in my life or that i can’ deal wit ya but I just think that maybe besides this we need time apart.” he said. “and it kills me to say that because you…” he sighed a little. “Yer the one who hates the program. Do what ya need to do.” he said and rubbed his hands over his eyes as if they were tired so he could wipe away the tears unnoticeably. 

"Decide that I'm better off?" Bonnie repeated, voice cracking with emotion. "Christe, Finn. I know where I'm better off. You tell me you know--ya see it on my face? Then why can't you trust that I'll fuckin' GET THERE. . . get to a point where I can give you what you deserve. I'm not worried about you bein' 'too much' more than I worry that you're just phasin' me out o' your life until the next thing I know, we haven' talked again for ages." She took a shaky breath. She wanted to will herself to shut up, but the truth just kept coming out of her. "And. . . you keep sayin' that it's easy for you to pick up on how we left 'em but you don' know what I've been through since you last loved me. Four years is a world's difference--I've spent all this time makin' sure no one could ever come close to me again, and then YOU come around--and--" Bonnie's face crumpled with hurt. She hated crying--espsecially in public. And yet here she was, in a ( thankfully ) half-empty hallway, convinced she might actually start full-on sobbing. "This is stupid. This is stupid," she snapped, clamping her hand over her mouth. It was a futile attempt to get her emotions under control. "I'll ask 'em tomorrow for a switch so you can have the space you need. You can leave and go back to avoidin' me or whatever."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“You did ask fer it! You asked fer somethin’ impossible fer me to give ya so space is the only other option.” Finn said. He paused for a few minutes to listen to her. “Angry??” Finn asked a minute later. “You think i’m angry? I’ve never been angry. I jus’…I can’….” Finn sighed a little bit. “I can’ be around ya and jus’ be yer friend Bonnie.” Finn said, a little defeatedly. “I could never hate ya. I could never sit here and be mad and I was never angry.” Finn said and shook his head. “I’ll do this program but until you figure it out, what you need and want…I can’t be around ya. I can come study wit ya for an hour everyday to fulfill this program’s needs but I can’…I won’…” he sighed a little and ran his hand through his hair. “You asked me to do something that I cannot conceivably do. I love you. Way too much. Everything from that summer came rushin’ back the minute I saw ya and i can’ let go of it again. Not unless you completely walk away ferever.” Finn said and just sighed a little again. “and it hurts looking at you and thinking that you may not love me that way ever again.” he said and frowned. “I just…I’m sorry that yer hurt about me avoidin’ ya but I’m tryin’ to protect meself a little bit.”

You asked me to do something that I cannot conceivably do. I love you. Way too much. While Finn had told her that feelings had come back, he hadn't said he'd LOVED her. . . To hear it again--now, after so many years--made Bonnie reel back in surprise for a bit. ( As if she weren't expecting it. ) "You absolute idiot," she fumed after a moment of letting it sink in. "That I might not love you that way ever again? Finnegan, that's what I'm so TERRIFIED of. That's the whole fuckin' reason I'm bein' such a bitch about this all--because I don' quite know what to do, how to come to terms with the fact that I might love ya again. Hell, that I never maybe never fuckin' stopped. It's drivin' me crazy, and you're jus--you're not--I don't--" Bonnie blew a stray strand of hair out of her face before putting her hands on her hips, trying awfully hard not to cry. She didn't know yet how to tell him that she was scared he wouldn't like who she was now; that she'd spent too much building up her defenses to have to take them down again. She wanted him to know, but it wasn't a vulnerability she could afford at the moment--not when the two of them were at odds. "You know, to hell with it. If you want me to, I'll walk right back in there and beg Matthews to put you with anyone else. Say the word and you don' have to deal with bein' around me for anythin' until I can sort meself out."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“That’s a lie, I’ll have ya know.” Finn said almost immediately. “My whole life before I met ya was me runnin’ away. Jus’ because I’ve been givin’ ya space doesn’t mean I’m runnin’ away from ya either.” He’d be right there when she needed him the most when she admitted to herself that they were supposed to be together but until then he wasn’t going to sit awkwardly in a room with her getting his feelings hurt every time they spoke and danced around their relationship. He knew he wouldn’t be comfortable about that. “I’m not givin’ ya shite. Givin’ ya shite would be talkin’ bitterly towards ya about yer decision. I haven’ once done that and jus’ because I took time fer meself doesn’ mean I’m not bein’ an adult. In fact, I think it’s more adult fer me ta do that than sit around and whine about what I can’ have.” Finn said and shook his head. “Ya didn’ wrong me and yer right, I did ask for honesty…doesn’ mean I have to like it.” He said and pulled his hand away. 

"You didn' have to give me space. I didn' ask for it. The only thing I've only ever asked of you was to--" Stay. That was the word. Bonnie pulled back immediately, though, remembering how Finn had reacted the first time around. She was only ever so paranoid annoyed of his avoiding because he seemed to be the one thing she just couldn't let go. . . "I wish you'd talk smack about me," Bonnie said bitterly, pulling her lips in to a thing smile. "Instead of leavin' every room the moment that I come in. I understand ANGER better that way. . . where there's no dancin' around each other." Exhaling, Bonnie lingered, knowing that Finn could easily walk off if he wanted. ( She figured she'd let him, if he did. ) "We're stuck with each other because o' this blasted program, so we might as well get ourselves together or make it worse for the both o' us by prolongin' our agony. You can have SPACE, or closure, or whatever ye need--but at the end of it all, no matter how much you HATE me. . . you're gonna have to end up back here with me, Finnegan. Your choice."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

Finn was never called into the Dean’s office, not ever. So when he got a notification email to show up at a certain time the next day, he was confused to say the least. Finn did as he was told to though, and showed up. He figured this had something to do with Phoebe leaving and needing a new partner and less to do with him being in trouble so he was less nervous walking in. That was until he saw Bonnie sitting there in front of the desk and the grin that the Dean had on her face. His heart dropped to his stomach and he felt like he was going to puke. He had been ignoring Bonnie since the dance, not answering calls or texts. If he saw her on campus, he was going out of his way to avoid her. It wasn’t that he hated her but if she needed time, she could have it. Being just her friend had punched him harder than he had expected so he was giving himself time too. Looks like they weren’t going to get it now. Matthews just motioned for him to sit and she just smiled. “This will be a short meeting, just wanted to let you two know that from now on you will be partners. So the weekly dates and other tasks will be between you. The class is being updated as we speak so you should be able to see that online shortly. Here” She said as she pushed two rings forward. “are your new rings and with that, you’re free to go.” Matthews said and motioned for them to leave. Finn picked up the ring and nodded. “Right. Thanks.” he said and looked at Bonnie. “Lookin’ forward to it, lass.” he said before turning to walk right out, feeling that same sick feeling still.

Finn was the absolute LAST person Bonnie would have wanted expected to walk through the door. He had talked so often about his partner, after all--and yet here he was, looking just as displeased as Bonnie felt. Finn was avoiding her . . . actively, too. She tried to give him the space he needed, but his inability to even be in the same room with her didn't exactly have Bonnie jumping with joy. "Thank you," Bonnie said to Matthews through gritted teeth, grabbing the ring and shoving it to the bottom of her pocket. She followed Finn out, annoyed with his curtness--ever so impatient ( never much for subtlety ), Bonnie grabbed the boy by the wrist once they were out of the office. "Oh, no, you don't," she said about his attempt to keep his distance. Laughing sourly, Bonnie gave Finn a hard look. "You've never run from anything in your life, Finnegan O'Brien, and you sure as hell won't be runnin' from me. You said we're ADULTS, eh? Let's act our fuckin' age and talk like adults, then. I know I've--" She paused briefly before going back to her tirade. "Wronged you, but it's better than givin' you somethin' half-baked. I gave you the truth because you asked. Maybe you can stop givin' me shit for that, yeah?"

[bonniefitzg-s]

@aineoloch

When Bonnie got the summons from the Tie-the-Knot Program Head, she figured that it could go either TWO ways: They were going to tell her to shut down her lampoon issue that kept criticizing TTK, or they would let her know that the whole thing was cancelled. The latter was a foolish hope; a long shot; so she walked in to the office with only an inkling of dread that she might be expelled. "I got an e-mail to come in today. 'M Fitzgerald, ma'm," she said curtly to the secretary, who waved her in to the Program Head's Office. "Ms. Mathews." Bonnie greeted stiffly. ( The two never got along, what with Bonnie being so openly critical about administration policies. ) "Fitzgerald," Matthews responded, smile sickly sweet. "Please take a seat while we wait. . ." "For what, exactly?" Bonnie interjected, a little impatient. Matthews grinned even wider. "Your new partner, dear," she purred, and Bonnie had to restrain herself from responding. Her new what? "Your original one wasn't able to enroll due to personal reasons. Couldn't have you not participating in this program," Matthews purred. "So I suggest you make yourself comfortable until your ' husband ' arrives."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

When she spoke, his heart fell a little from the hope that it had, that maybe she would tell him it was that easy and they could be together. He wasn’t proposing getting married right on the spot, he wasn’t asking for anything other than a chance but when she spoke he lost a little hope of it happening at all. “Yeah I get it.” Finn said and just looked up at the stars. It was crazy how often they had done this back in Ireland and just had long talks about heartache and family and the stupid pressures of teenage life. And now they were here discussing something very hard and real and emotional.  At her next words, he shook his head. “It may sound crazy but it’s me, so I don’ know why you’d be surprised but….I know.” he admitted. “I know what I need, I know what I want and I’ll give you time but I can’ wait around forever.” Finn said. Ever the hopeful and positive one, that line was hard for him to get out but it was true. He’d gotten his heart broken a bunch of times at this point, it was either he needed to force himself to move on or they were looking at a future. “I’m not sayin’ we have to get engaged or married right now and I’m willin’ to start at the beginning but I can’ just be sitting here unsure of how to act around ya or unsure of where this is going. We’re adults now and as much as I don’ wanna grow up I just…” Finn looked down at their hands together. “I’m jus’ tryin’ to be fair to the both of us.” Finn said. Normally he’d jump at the chance but he was trying to be logical about this. 

Finn was right, of course, but it still stung Bonnie to realize how insensitive she'd sounded. I can't wait around forever, he reasoned, and Bonnie instantly went on the defense. "I'm not askin' you to," she said indignantly. "I'm not--I'd never want to be the typa person that leads you on. Jesus Christ." Letting out a huff of breath, Bonnie mulled over the price of honesty. . . if she asked him to stay, told him that she was probably still very much in love with him. But if there's one thing Bonnie had left to her name, it was her pride restraint. She was always careful, always weighing her options. . . and tonight was no exception.

"We're adults. Yer right," she admitted defeatedly, letting go of Finn's hand again. ( She couldn't bear to hold on to him knowing what she'd say next. ) "That was a moment of weakness, and I wasn' fair with you. Like I said--I don' think I have anythin' to offer you right now. I'm also still jus' figuring out how to deal with the fact that--" She breathed out a laugh. "You're here, when I never thought I'd see ya ever again." There were all sorts of emotions in her tone: Affection, awe, hurt, sadness. "If yer concerned about how you should act around me, jus' . . . friendship is as good as anythin'. Just treat me like one of yer friends. But if it's about where this is goin'. . ." Bonnie twisted her fingers together and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Finnegan," she said softly. "Right now, the most I can tell you is that I can't reciprocate yer certainty or yer feelings. You're right, y'know--you shouldn' wait around for me, you deserve someone who's sure. I jus' hope . . ." She paused, pained, before finishing lamely, "We could stay friends."

[bonniefitzg-s]

amxngthxtrxxs·:

“Nope, not a one…” She just wanted to make it through this class. But first she had to make it through this night. Ari laugh a little and nodded her head. “Yeah, like I said, I want to help wherever I can. And in order to help, I ahve to be able to learn about how other cultures live. I’m hoping with a degree in it, it’ll help me be able to accomplish things easier.” Ari was always a fighter, so she would have to get creative as she got older. “Oh really? Well, I might have to go to you with my next subject of injustice that this school offers. The last few times I went to the school paper they told me it wasn’t important enough. Never understand how, but I guess I’m not as knowledgeable on important subjects as they were.” 

Bonnie tried to not let it show on her face how impressed she was by Ari. It wasn't every day that you met someone so passionate and sincere about their course. When she learned of the paper turning down Ari's pitch, she couldn't help but shake her head. "Honestly--the Editorial Board can be such snobs sometimes," she said disapprovingly. "They don' like puttin' their neck on the line a lot o' the time, which is one helluva shame. Off the record, though, I'd love to hear--the subject of injustice." Bonnie chuckled. "Or any gripe about admin, really. Everyone's tryin' to convince themselves that this is for the best or whatever. Yer a breath of fresh air, lass."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

Finn frowned as she pulled away but he moved almost immediately and sat there listening, to the best of his ability. He had a lot to say in response but at the same time didn’t know what to say at all. It was crazy that this was even an option and they were here at this point. “I knew too.” He said eventually. “That first night I saw you…it took everythin’ in me ta not say anythin’. I knew I was going ta break eventually and I’m not surprised it’s sooner rather than later.” he admitted. It was almost better that it was sooner because then they wouldn’t be in this weird area of saying everything while saying nothing. 

As she started explaining what happened all those years ago, his heart stopped. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing and he couldn’t believe that she’d felt this way either. Now coming here, meeting again…it all really did feel like fate. “Bonnie…” he said after she was doing speaking, saying everything, making excuses why he wouldn’t, no shouldn’t, love her anymore. That she was changed and he could be disappointed. “No offense intended here, but that’s bullshite.” He said and shook his head. “The fact that you think I wouldn’ love ya anymore because ya made some changes as things happened in yer life. That doesn’t change who ya are….not at yer core. I knew ya were always destined fer greater things, and so…yeah. Of course ya had to change to get ta those points. But…” Finn shook his head and just ran his hands through his hair. “I feel like I’m just feckin’ ramblin’ at this point. I can’ get me thoughts together and I’m just…I’m tryin’ ta..” He groaned in frustration at his own self before shaking his head and taking a deep breath, looking her straight in the eyes.

“Ya keep makin’ jokes about me with other lasses, and how surprised ya are about me not havin’ anyone else but did ya ever think of the fact that maybe after we broke up I couldn’ see lasses the way I saw you? It was absolutely impossible. Even if I tried, Maybe I put too much into ya but I really never believed I’d find someone as perfect for me as you.” He said and looked down at her. “And that night I saw you, it all came back. You can swear up and down it’s not the same you as I knew before but…it’s the way that yer eyes shine up when yer happy. The way that yer laugh sounds, how passionate ya are about things and how no matter what anyone says, ya hold yer ground. The things I fell in love with are still there. And that’s why it’s all comin’ out now because I can’t stop thinking about it. So what? You’ve changed? It’s just another adventure.” Finn said and sighed a little as he laid back down to stare up at the stars. “But I know it’s not that easy. I wish it could be.”

"Never one to beat around the bush, ye are," Bonnie mumbled mostly to herself the moment Finn called her out on her ' bullshite '. He seemed just as all over the place as she felt, which made her smile in the slightest. She'd convinced herself that they both got the necessary closure from their relationship but this conversation proved otherwise. She tried her best not to interrupt Finn any more, even as he ranted about her--all these things Bonnie didn't believe about herself, he said with such confidence. When he'd finished his whole tirade--It's not that easy. I wish it could be.--Bonnie weighed her options. "I don't think . . . I don't think I can offer you all that right now, Finnegan," she said painfully truthfully after a moment. The beat that lingered afterwards was TORTURE until Bonnie threw all pretense out of the window. ( She could choose to not guarded for one night. )

"I would like to, though," she said quietly, leaning back to be by Finn's side. "That's gonna entail some gettin' to know each other, and catchin' up, and figurin' out if this is somethin' we both want--somethin' we need--at this point in our lives. And even at the end o' it all, I can't assure you of anythin' . . . I understand if you don't wanna be waitin' around for something that may or may not happen, but . . ." She took a shaky breath, finding Finn's hand to hold it again. For comfort, for certainty. "If you'd let me, I'd like to figure this out with you. An ' adventure, ' ye called it," Bonnie echoed, laughing nervously. "I've never given ya a promise I couldn't keep. So--if you'd let me--I promise I'll figure it out. You just gotta give me a little time, but I like to think we'll get there. If you'd let me."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“I know you would have. I know you had to go back, i’m not sayin’ I didn’ understand that.” Finn immediately said and looked down at her. He didn’t let go of her yet but he would if she needed him to, if she felt uncomfortable or he felt she was uncomfortable he would immediately let go and they could have this conversation another way. “I’m jus’ sayin’ that I lied when I said I wanted to break up and I lied when sayin’ that I wanted you to go home. I didn’ tell you the truth because I knew no matter what you had to go.” Finn said and looked down at her with a sad look on his face. He knew it could have backfired, him being honest, and he was wondering if that’s exactly what was happening. He didn’t want her to think he was being rude or not understanding but he did want to be honest with her.

At her last words, he went silent and just looked down at their hands too. “I know it’s hard lass…I know. I know that it’s not easy for ya and that it means a lot that I got what I did.” he said. “I was just tryin’ to let you know that I wasn’ ready to let you go, no matter how many times i say I was.” He said and squeezed her hand a little bit. “and i guess…I dunno. Seein’ you now brought all of that back. And I don’ know how you feel, or what happened on yer end but….I guess for me, I still don’ know if I wanna let go now.” He said and looked back up at the sky, face going a lot more pale and he was suddenly glad she couldn’t see it. 

"You don' have to assure me o' that, Finnegan," Bonnie sighed as he explained that he knew she had to come back. "I know you knew--I jus' thought you should know--" Frustrated, Bonnie let go of Finn to run her hands over her face. ( A habit that she couldn't seem to kick. ) "We were bound to have this conversation. The moment I saw you in the cafe, I knew we'd have this conversation," she said, partly to herself as she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. There was amusement in her tone, but there was fear, too. "You've always been so honest with me. I've never known what to do with it," she said truthfully, cracking the smallest of smiles. And I don’ know how you feel, or what happened on yer end but. . . I guess for me, I still don’ know if I wanna let go now. Full stop. Bonnie felt as though the breath had been KNOCKED out of her.

She wasn't sure what she was expecting--if she'd hoped they'd end up at this point--but she still had to take a moment to figure out her response. "What happened on my end," she said slowly, refusing to look at Finn for now. "Is that I came here to Philadelphia, and I went through the motions of every day, except it wasn't the same anymore. Because there was a boy who had carved his initials on my key chain, and every time I drove past the ocean, or every time it rained, I found myself thinkin' of him. Even as I dated a few lads here and there, somethin' kept feeling wrong. . ." Bonnie took a shaky breath, finally gaining the courage to look over and catch Finn's reaction. "Because they weren't you."

"But Finnegan--" she said quickly, her words starting to trip over each other as her walls started coming up again. "I've never been in the business of lyin' to you, and I'm not goin' to start today. It's just--I don' think I'm the same girl you fell in love with that summer. I can't say it's drastic changes, but it's changes, and if you've come 'ere with all--" She gestured wildly. "This, with an image in yo' mind of who I was years ago. . . You should know that I'm not--I don' think--You're goin' to be very disappointed."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“There’s a lot of bridges in the city, not a ton of them are safe.” He said. “If we’re here until sunup, we may have to move to the truck and walk the trail. The sunrise over the water is just…deadly.” Finn said and moved to the back with her. “Have ta. Have ta see the good in things because if ya look at the bad…yer life is gonna be miserable.” he said and looked over at her as she asked her question. “Oh houl yer whisht.” Finn said and shoved her a little. “I just said Callum was here. Remember Callum? Me brother?” he teased. “Plus, I didn’t know you were at the school. I just knew you were in the city. And this city is…gigantic.” Finn pointed out. 

When she moved in close, naturally he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. The closeness was almost too much, he wanted to be affectionate and touchy and lovey but he couldn’t, they weren’t there so he tried to hold back. If he removed his arm, it would be rude and suspicious so he just looked over at her. “Anythin’?” he asked and thought for a minute. “Well…do ya remember that night before you left? The night we broke up and we both said we were okay with the decision?” he asked. He knew he was taking a big risk here but she wanted to hear him talk and this was the only thing he could think of. “I lied. I didn’t want ya to leave. I wanted ya ta stay or fer us ta work it out but….I knew that was impossible. I knew there was no way we could do it countries apart. I get little ta no reception at the farm, you weren’ a fan of social media and I just…knew.” he said. 

"The trail would be nice," Bonnie said quietly, still just basking in their shared company. She chuckled at the gentle shove on her shoulder, though, her mind wandering over to one of Finn's siblings. "His face in me mind's eye is kinda blurry," she said, shaking her head. "But I imagine he's someone I can barely recognize anymo', anyhow." Everything she said always only ever seemed to boil down to one point: It's been so long. Relaxing in to Finn, Bonnie instinctively reached out to hold his hand before he could speak. It was such a small action, but it was so NATURAL to her.

As he spoke, though, she wished she could pull away. She wasn't quite sure what she was expecting, but it definitely wasn't a confession about the night of their break-up. Swallowing hard, she waited for Finn to finish before speaking. "Finnegan." she started quietly, her words failing her once again. She had to take a minute to compose herself--very unlike her, being the abrasive person she typically was--and when she spoke, she found herself squeezing Finn's hand. "If I could've stayed, I would have," she said quietly. "But--I s'pose this goes without sayin'--my whole family was here. Dad's always gone so I've always been the one lookin' after the whole lot, and truth be told, I haven' had a moment to think of myself since . . . well, since mum bolted, I suppose." She laughed bitterly. "The only time I left myself want somethin'. . ." Bonnie took a painfully long pause, unable to meet Finn's eyes. ( She stared at their hands instead. ) "You're the only time I've let myself be selfish, Finnegan," she said, half-guilty and half-angry, her words coming out in a rush. "And that scares me. How much I was willin' to give up for you."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“Yeah we can stay far away from that scenario again.” He wondered if she said that because she remembered exactly how Morgan had died or just said it because it was a good thing to remember but he wouldn’t bring it up. “After me past, I think it’s fer the best.” Finn admitted and shrugged a little. He smiled at the mention of her sister though and he chuckled. ‘Tell her I’ll replenish her stash and I’ll take her out for ice cream as a payment for a soda.” He teased. Finn was caught off guard with the keys and he looked down at it. He turned it over to see his initials carved into the bottom of it, a secret he had hoped maybe she had seen, and rubbed his finger over it. “I remember.” He said. “I don’ think I’d ever ferget any detail about that day.” 

He moved on quickly though, not wanting to bring down the mood so he got in the car and backed out of the spot, heading directly to the Delaware river. It didn’t take long to get to the bridge that connected New Hope and Lambertville. No one was on it so he parked on the shoulder and got out to open the door. “I only came because Callum’s here.” He admitted. “And I also knew you were here…which I didn’ think was strange because I didn’ think i’d actually run into ya.” he admitted sheepishly. “But now that I’m here….I love it.” Finn said. “I could go on and on about how much I’ve explored of this state and it’s no Ireland but…it’s beautiful. The city is full of history and when ya leave the city yer filled with tons of beautiful scenery. There’s theater, art, sports, entertainment, history….I dunno. Jus’ a beautiful place.”

When Finn came to a stop over the Delaware river, Bonnie couldn't help but break out in to a wide smile. "Ya know, I've driven over this place a hundred times over the past few years and I've never once thought o' comin' to a stop," she chuckled, shaking her head as she grabbed Finn by the wrist and tugged him towards the back of the truck. "Of course you'd be the type to see the good in 'ere." Once the two had settled next to each other in the covers and the blankets, Bonnie decided to address one of the things Finn had brought up. "So you knew I was here?" she teased, turning to look at him with a wicked grin. "Shucks, Finnegan, I don' wanna say that sounds kinda stalkery . . ."

After laughing about it for a moment, Bonnie turned away for a moment to take it all in--the clear skies, the lights gleaming in the river below them, the warmth that she felt to be this close to Finn again after ages. "Jesus," she breathed out, feeling a sense of comfort she hadn't felt in a while. "I'm--" Pause. Bonnie didn't want to be so caught up in her sentiments; she might combust if she lived in it for one more moment. "Cold." she finished lamely, hoping her hesitation would go unnoticed. Moving closer to Finn, Bonnie gave him a sideways glance and a lopsided grin. "Body heat, y'know," she said, a little bit of mischief in her playful tone. "Don' wanna get ill." After a moment of silence, she hummed, "Tell me somethin'. Anythin'. I missed hearin' you talk."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

He saw the wince on her face and he understood. It was easy to talk about with her. He had met her shortly after he had sent her to the hospital, she had been with him when he got the call that the family was pulling the plug but they didn’t blame him nor were they pressing charges. He remembered how broken he was that day and how Bonnie had helped him. It was the same broken feeling he still felt every single day but rarely talked about now because Bonnie had taught him how to cope. But that wince…he understood because thats how he felt every night when he let his thoughts settle. Her voice brought him out of his head and a smile appeared on his face again as he wordlessly followed her out to the car. 

When he saw the truck he couldn’t help but grin. The truck was so Bonnie that it was ridiculous and he absolutely loved it. When she let go, he almost wanted to wrap his arms around her, find another way to keep her close but that wasn’t his right anymore. They were just friends now…right? He couldn’t assume she wanted more just because he did. “I don’ think anythin’ like that is open, lass. It’s past 10 and while Philadelphia is a city that never sleeps, I’m pretty sure all the fun stuff does.” He joked and watched as she grabbed her blankets. “We could stay here or we could drive out to a better view. There’s a bridge I’ve taken quite a liking to.” He said. “As fer the cooler, if there’s alco in there I may stay away. Been tryin’ real hard not ta indulge.” he said and frowned a little. “I know you wouldn’ let me get too far but…” he shrugged a little. “But the stargazin’s a yes.” 

"Definitely no alcohol if yer drivin'," she said strictly. "And it's good that you're veerin' away from drinkin'. I've got some sodas and juices in here--s'posed to be for Prue, but I'm sure she'll forgive ya--which'll do." When she tossed the keys over to Finn, she realized--while it was mid-air--that the gag gift Finn had given her years back was still her keychain. It was too late now to take it back or be ashamed. "It's the annoyin' leprechaun you'd given me when we were at the airport," she said dumbly and defensively, although she was certain Finn didn't need backstory to remember. "I guess I just . . . forgot I had it there."

To save herself some shame, she slid in to shotgun and waited for Finn to get in to the car. "Take us away, chief." she sing-songed when he started the car. As they drove off, she leaned over to turn on the radio before glancing out the window and the passing lights. "Philadelphia's not a half bad place to be, which I think I've told ya before," she said, partly to herself. "When we were movin', we were considerin' a few other places . . . California, New York. I'd hated dad for settlin' here, 'cause I didn' think it was as cool as the rest o' the cities--but I'm glad we chose this place."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“And then we did get ill and stayed inside the farmhouse and just streamed netflix on the walls of it fer days.” Finn said and laughed at the memory. “Ma was so mad too. After you left that night she gave me an earful and the moment I got ill she let me have it again. But even after all that she…” Finn took a deep breath and just smiled. “It doesn’ matter. What does matter is how amazin’ those memories were.” He said and looked down at her feet. “So you wanna get close to me but the shoes are holdin’ you back? Well then…why don’ we get out of here and go really dance. Phoebe’s left.” he said, looking around. “I’m sure we could get away wit it.” 

Before Finn could do anything though, she was speaking and cupping his face “No….No lass ya did. Sure, I worked hard at it. But you saved me. And nothing you ever say will change that. You’re the reason I’m at school, you’re the one who made me want something that I couldn’t have while drunk in a pub. Without you…there was no motivation to do anythin’. I’d still be that drunkard who killed his girlfriend. Now I’m just an idiot who killed his girlfriend.” he said. “But one who has learned to cope. Because you helped me.” Finn said and looked down at her. “Come on…let’s get outta here.”

Ever so slightly, Bonnie winced when Finn said he'd killed his girlfriend. As awful as it sounded, she forgot that that was a thing; that it was the reason why he'd been so broken and wild that summer. There was something different now--less guilt, more ease. Like he no longer had the weight of the accident on his shoulders. A flash of JEALOUSY came before the pride--Finn was moving on from his past, while Bonnie couldn't get out of her's. "You know what? You're right. Let's get out of this place," she said after a moment of considering, laughing as she laced his fingers in her's and tugged him out of the venue. She was laughing all the way as she pulled him along. It felt a lot like those early days, when nothing was certainand they knew they'd have to end things eventually; there was a little bit of promise in what they had now, though, but Bonnie wasn't quite ready to admit that.

Their wandering brought them to an almost empty parking lot sans for Bonnie's own car--a bright red pick up truck her father kept begging her to swap for something more ' presentable '. "Give me a sec," she said, letting go of Finn's hand--the loss she felt was instant--as she fumbled for her purse and her keys. "What's open at this hour, anyway? We could probably visit a museum . . . one of those historical sites . . . " She stopped, realizing a much simpler option. "Wait. Wait!" she told Finn, still laughing as she went over to her car. It took her only a few moments to pull out the blankets she kept in the back seat, as well as the cooler she'd loaded in hopes of finding someone to indulge her some alcohol post-reception. ( God knew she'd NEED it if she wanted to stay sane. ) "I hope you don't mind," Bonnie huffed to Finn as she heaved the comforter over cargo area. "This parking lot's got quite a view of the city below and . . . the stars, they're pretty, aren't they? Unless you've got something better planned, o'course."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

“When we used ta what? There were a lot of dancin’ memories that we had together. Like the one time we went to the shores and stayed up all night with that bonfire and we started dancin’ by the ocean. And then it turned into me splashin’ you and you chasin’ me and tryin’ to push me into the actual water.” He said and laughed a little and shook his head. “Or the time we were on top of the barn and we slow danced. Or…plenty of other times.” Dancing was a favorite of theirs and they were both just absolutely terrible at it but that made it all the more fun. Bonnie and Finn, if anything, just had valued fun and adventure over anything else.

“I take offense ta the word claim there, lass. I know whatcha actually mean.” He teased. “But you? You were always a bloody terrible dancer. Always puttin’ your feet on top of mine so I always did all the work.” Finn said with a laugh. “but right now seems to be fairin’ pretty well.” he said and wrapped his arms around her tighter. “I know. I know it’s crazy we ended up in the same school.” Finn said and smiled down at her lovingly. If only she could see how beautiful she was. “ME? Nah…I’ve had…too much change in me life. Figured after you saved me that I was done. I mean, I’m still the same ol’ Finnegan. Never wanta grow up. Tryin’ to make every day an adventure.”

Of course Finn remembered, and would point it all out. "How could I forget the one at the beach," Bonnie said affectionately, laughing breathlessly as they moved slowly along to the dance of the present. "I was washin' the sand out of my clothes for WEEKS! And don' forget that time we went dancin' out on the rained out street until yer mom had to call us in 'cause she was scared we'd get sick. . . Jesus. I haven' felt that alive in ages." She was so amused by the memories of their past that she didn't even feel the need to retort viciously at his jab of her dancing. "If I weren't in heels, you bet I'd be steppin' on you again," she threatened. She paused for a moment to smile. "It wasn't to make ya do the work, idiot. I wanted to find an excuse to get closer to you. Wasn' that obvious?"

She relaxed in his arms, comforted as always by the familiar touch. She was humming along to the band's song when she heard him answer her question. Figured after you saved me that I was done. Snapping to attention, Bonnie looked up at Finn curiously. " 'Saved you?' " she echoed faintly. "I did no such thing, O'Brien." Reaching up to cup his face in her hand, she laughed quietly at the thought. "You did that all yourself. Don' give me any credit for it," she said fiercely. She could almost kiss him, really, with how much she felt for him in that moment--but as always, she held back and instead settled with smiling softly up at him. "I adore you, ' same ol' Finnegan ' or not."

[bonniefitzg-s]

amxngthxtrxxs·:

“Listen, I don’t blame them for reading fanfiction, but let’s not just live in it. let’s remember that this is the real world. Shit doesn’t end always end happily.” She responded, letting out a long sigh with her words. Part of her was ranting to herself, but she made sure it didn’t play off like that. She smiled softly at the woman’s words and shrugged her shoulders. “I’d love to go wherever I can. Like you said, there is so much out there. So much to take care of. I’d love to see as much as I can. Don’t understand how people just want to stay put.” Ari agreed. “Cultural studies.” She answered. “And you?” 

"No happy endings here indeed," Bonnie echoed, half-smiling at the thought. At the revelation of Ari's course, it made sense to Bonnie why she had such a mindset on getting out. "Cultural studies is one helluva course," she chuckled. "Proven to be pretty necessary in this time and age where everythin' is so easily . . . misconstrued." Pause. "I'm taking up journalism," she responded. "Hard news, though. You know, all that shebang o' diggin' in to the admin's bullshit and criticizin' school policy. The fun stuff."

[bonniefitzg-s]

aineoloch·:

Finn laughed a little awkwardly and shrugged. “You can say a lass is beautiful wit no other meaning behind it.” He pointed out. “I think everyone deserves to be called beautiful. Only the lucky ones get more than that.” He said, alluding to his statement earlier about how gorgeous Bonnie looked. He watched as she grabbed a cup and he couldn’t help but laugh. “And here I thought that you could handle your liquor.” He teased. “Or did that somehow change from that summer we spent together?” His memories snapped back to that entire summer. He had spent most of it getting sober but when they had wild nights they got…wild. 

“Ya know you’re always welcome in me home.” He said and nudged her with a small smile. “But hopefully he turns up so ya don’t fail at least and have the potential of graduating.” He said. It would be a shame if she didn’t get to get out of this place and onto something bigger. She deserved bigger. Something he could honestly never give her even if he tried. At least not at the moment. “Aw lass, don’ say that. I always miss ya.” He said, not letting the comment get him too emotional since the distraction of dancing came about. “Phoebe and I have danced all night. I think it’s about time you and I have a dance, eh? And only then can you make a comment about me two left feet.” he joked as he held a hand out. 

There were a lot of back and forths that Bonnie was trying to keep up with, but she found herself only shooting back at some of the quips in an attempt to keep things light. "I can handle my liquor, you dolt," she chided defensively. "But if you were expectin' apple punch and got--was that vodka?--instead, you'd be a little displeased yourself." She wanted to throw one of his questions back at him--how much has changed since the summer they were together?--but thought better as he held out his hand to offer her a dance. "Remember when we used to . . ." she trailed off, not wanting to reference their relationship again. She didn't want to be the one dwelling in the past in fear that she might be the only one stuck in it--so, instead, she smiled and took him up on his offer.

"While you may claim you've gotten better, you should know I'm still pretty. . . well, I haven't," she chuckled, putting her arms around Finn's shoulders. He used to make fun of her for being so ' small ' and she'd hated him for it. The band was playing some slowed down version of an All Time Low song, which Bonnie found kind of funny. ( I'd drive right off the Earth to find you if it meant that I could see you tonight. ) So much of Bonnie didn't want to acknowledge how increasingly fragile she was getting around Finn--she'd tried so hard to run from her past, only to be reminded of all of it with him. "It's still so crazy to me that you're here, o' all places that you could be," she admitted instead, quiet and amused and grateful, above all. "Right off the bat, what's changed about me?--Wait, you know what, let's ask this instead. What's changed about YOU? Are ye still the same Finnegan I. . ." Love, she almost said. Pausing, she decided instead on, "Knew?"

[bonniefitzg-s]

amxngthxtrxxs·:

How college students were to be expected to pretend to be married, and the administration actually believed they would learn something, was beyond Ari. She wanted nothing more for this to be some terrible joke, but she had a feeling that wasn’t going to happen. “Agreed. All I’ve found so far is people excited and hoping it ends oh so well. What does that even mean? Is this going to be some movie where we all fall in love with the right people? Don’t think so.” She quipped, sighing a bit at her own words. “Aribella Jacobs, but you can just call me Ari.” She responded. Hearing the question, she thought for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. “Anywhere and everywhere. I mean, I want to go places and study cultures. Learn about how people live. Fight for better things.” 

"Finally, someone who gets it," Bonnie said, voice tinged with admiration at the other girl's candor. Everyone else she'd met insisted that the program might have its merits--no amount of convincing or debating could seem to make them think otherwise. "People here proba'ly read too much fanfiction," she joked. Fight for better things, Ari answered, making Bonnie grin a bit. "Lots o' noble things you're goin for there, lass," she said, propping her leg up on the nearby wall and leaning against it. "I've only been 'ere a little bit, but I get the feelin' of wantin' to get away. I mean--there's so much more out there, don't'cha think? What're ya studyin', anyway?"