A complete and utter brain dump.
I wanted to write something here, where Iām not sure anyone will see it but if you do just be prepared for a careless emptying of thoughts.
I just got back from Krakow in Poland. Iāve never been good at remembering facts about History that I learnt in school, and I never took much of an interest in it after that, so I often end up feeling very naive and made to feel I should appreciate the past more. In an arguably shallow way, I suppose I often think thereās not a huge number of reasons to learn about someone elseās terrible life, when all it does is spread that terror to other peopleās minds. This isnāt to take away any respect away from what others have been through, but just to let it rest while we try our best not to let that fear drag out longer than it needs to. I feel guilty even writing this, and my mind was perhaps changed a little whilst in Krakow, as I walked around Schindlers Factory and read every single word about what had happened and how people had felt, from ages of 8 upwards. I suppose thereās a lot more to it than just the suffering, thereās lessons of who we should be, or rather shouldnāt be, in order to treat others well and create a peaceful society. People are passionate about different things, and I know a lot of people who scoff at the idea of learning about the mind, and how much of an impact we ourselves can make on society simply by being loving, open minded, wide eyed, adventurous people. This is something I take a huge interest in because I know itās under my control. History has happened and learning about it almost makes me feel less useful as itās something I canāt change. Again going back, I understand that learning about historical events can mould who we decide to be, but I so often donāt see that reflected in the people that challenge me about my lack of factual knowledge.
If anyone has any thoughts on this please share as Iād love to have some more things to think about!
In general life, I feel like Iām floating. I learnt how to slow down and now everything is over taking me. I feel out of my depth in the current music industry, and although itās more and more possible to be your own everything, itās also more and more about knowing the right people and being in the right place, and that kills it a little for me. I donāt necessarily have a shortage of time to create, but knowing Iām in charge of every aspect almost makes me creatively lazy, like thereās always something else to do that might have more of an impact on my career but isnāt the slightest bit to do with actually playing music. Like sending an email, or posting something on Instagram.
Recently a few songs have poured out of me, but now iām thinking of how I want them to sound, and whether itās possible for me to do THAT myself, or whether I need to find a producer. I think Iād like the challenge of doing it all myself, and having complete creative control, Iām just not as much of a mixing whiz as a pro would be. Plus I like the collaborative side as it adds new dimensions to your creation that couldnāt have come from your own head. I love these songs so much and want to release them NOW so they still feel super exciting as you guys are hearing them, and I canāt get my head around how most artists release things years and years after they were written, to allow time for marketing etc. I mean, āCalm Placesā was actually majority written 2 years before it was released, however the songs developed quite a lot over that time so they almost felt brand new when they came out.
I love music, I love people, I love trying to radiate nice vibes onto others, I love food, I love travelling and waking up in different places every night, I love talking to strangers, and I bloody love being on stage and sharing my songs with others. All of those things are separate in my head but somehow all can be related to music, which is just magical, and makes me feel so lucky. I just canāt get my head around how this all works, how life works, what the priority is. I donāt think anyone can, but I havenāt had many distractions lately and itās been hitting me in the face every morning. Then I watched āInto The Wildā yesterday which made me want to be a tramp. Not really, but that idea of true freedom is incomprehensible.
Iām supposed to be emailing venues right now but this all came out because I suppose I feel I donāt really have any particular person in my life who would listen to all this and be on remotely the same wave length. Except my friend Abbie who I love so much - Abbie Iām wearing your massive scarf you gave me today and itās saving me cos I have a cold and itās basically the arctic here in Bristol while youāre off travelling the world like the inspirational little adventurer you are.
This should probably be a private diary rambling or something, but I kinda like the idea of 1 or 2 people reading it and either thinking Iām crazy or maybe feeling reassured they arenāt.
Over & out!
Natalie x