Too Many Books In The Kitchen

[booksinthekitchen]

Holy smokes, Tumblr. It’s been a minute. How’s your 2016 been?

I’ve been off doing a bunch of things (quitting my books column gig, writing elsewhere, tweeting about hockey gifs), and I have neglected you. It ain’t right.

But I had to come back, because I made another short story advent calendar.

And you can buy it now. Like, right now.

Behold!

The Short Story Advent Calendar returns, not a moment too soon, to spice up your holidays with another collection of 24 stories that readers open one by one on the mornings leading up to Christmas.

This year's stories once again come from some of your favourite writers across the continent—plus a couple of new crushes you haven't met yet. Most of the stories have never appeared in a book before. Some have never been published, period.

The 2016 Short Story Advent Calendar includes stories from:

Anakana Schofield (Martin John)

Daniel Handler (Adverbs, Lemony Snicket)

Sheila Heti (How Should a Person Be?)

Charles Demers (Vancouver Special, CBC's The Debaters)

Katie Coyle (Vivian Apple at the End of the World)

plus [redacted x 19]!

Like last year, the calendar is available in a one-time print run, which means that once it's gone, it's gone forever. Each chapbook is sealed, so you won't know what story you're getting until the morning you open it. The collection also includes a gorgeous full-colour slipcase—the better to be displayed on your shelves, or those of someone you love, for years to come.

Interested? God, I hope so. You’re going to love this thing.

Here’s the link again. We ship to a bunch of countries, and we’ve got plenty of surprises on deck, too. 

So if you know someone who deserves a cool present this year, I humbly submit #ssac2016 for your consideration. Or what about you? You look like you deserve a cool present this year.

[booksinthekitchen]

Kshh-kshh.

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A moment of appreciation for the rare perfect title/perfect cover combo. (The book itself is pretty good, too.)

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As a real peanut butter and chocolate lover, there’s only one peanut butter for peanut butter. Peanut butter left tweanut buttix. Bleanut. Pubber. Blub.

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Telekinetics: they’re just like us (lazy as hell)

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Today a very special truck pulled up at my door.

Make room, Houellebecq. You've got a new neighbour.

[booksinthekitchen]

Finn, who turns two today, loves balloons. He loves them so much that one of his favourite YouTube micro-genres is office balloon pranks. So yesterday I decided to fill his room with them while he napped. The look on his dang face when he woke up. I'm telling you.

[booksinthekitchen]

The official announcement. (Hey, editors reading this from outside English Canada? Rights in your territory are available.)

Also, I realize the only reason my name is in the headline is because it's a slow week, but holy shit. I got goosebumps like you wouldn't believe when I saw it.

[booksinthekitchen]

Wha... what?

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Bridget turned six on Sunday.

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Most of those fancy library pictures don't do anything for me, but I actually gasped when I saw this picture of Neil Gaiman's. (Many more angles of it here.)

The lighting, the full wall of shelves, the general coziness of the room--now this I could aspire to.

[booksinthekitchen]

Finn's Favourite Books (14 Months)

When Finn wanders over to his little bookshelf, pulls something down, and then slaps the couch cushions again and again, that means it is time to read. I thought I would write down, for posterity, the books that I read to him pretty much every day.

The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear (Don and Audrey Wood): This was my favourite book when I was little, so it's nice to see both of my own kids take to it. The main trick--that you never see the bear, and realize at the end that it's been made up by the narrator in order to eat the strawberry--is very clever. When I get to the "Boom! Boom! Boom! Sniff! Sniff! Sniff!" part, Finn bounces on my lap a little; he's recently started yelling "Boo! Boo! Boo!" back at me.

My Dad! (Charles Fuge): Another repeat. This also used to be Bridget's, and you can tell it's been well loved. I think they both like the countdown when the bear is scaring his friends off. The last page just reads "Daddy!"; when I get there, Finn grins and slaps me on the chest.

Playtime Peekaboo: I'm sure we had this when Bridget was young, but I don't remember her liking it much. Finn likes to feel the corduroy on the horse's head, and he smushes his face into the furry patches. More bears, too.

Dog (Matthew Van Fleet): This has a bunch of interactive flaps and pull-tabs, half of which Finn has enthusiastically ripped off. On the plus side, if he ever asks whether decapitated dogs can take baths, or whether three-legged dogs also pee on trees, we're set.

[booksinthekitchen]

Five Things I Love About Finn, Who Turned 1 Yesterday

His favourite game is walking. In our house you can walk in a circuit through the living and dining rooms, around a hallway, and back again. Ever since Finn started hoofing it on his own, at around 10.5 months, he's spent probably an hour every day doing this loop over and over again. Pure joy.

He'll try eating anything. As a baby, Bridget was the pickiest of picky eaters. Not Finn. He'll make short work of beans, cheese, hummus, spicy veggie burger patties, and all manner of fruits and vegetables (though he has gotten more discerning in recent weeks). He eats with his hands, and after every meal you can find a ring of crumbs and stains on his shirt at the exact point where tray meets stomach.

How much he loves the outdoors. A big selling point of our house was the backyard, which is big and ringed with trees. Whenever the snow has melted (Edmonton springs are a tease), we let Finn run wild back there, and wild he does run. This is going to be a kid who grows up with dirt under his fingernails. Already, when he sees an open door but can't go through it, he screams.

He smushes his face into a stuffed animal to show he likes it. Adorable.

The way he looks up to Bridget. This is the easiest one of all to spot--he obviously thinks the world of his big sister, and will dutifully absorb whatever nonsensical song she's singing or Harry Potter spell she's casting. Watching your children feed off of one another may be the single most fulfilling part of being a parent.

So happy birthday, Finn. You are exactly as old as The Pale King, and I love you even more.

[booksinthekitchen]

Today in bookmarks:

In summer 2004 I went on a three-week backpacking trip across Europe that I really didn't plan as well as I should have. I saw seven countries, but none in any detail. The longest I spent in one place was in Bratislava with my friend's grandfather, who didn't speak English; after that I took a 20-hour train ride back to Paris to see the White Stripes at some festival.

At some point I was in Prague. It couldn't have been more than 48 hours total. My only distinct memory is of walking across a bridge, messing with people getting their caricature drawn by making disgusted faces at the works-in-progress, and climbing a tower. That's where I bought this bookmark.

I used it for a while, though I wasn't a huge reader then. Then it disappeared, because that's what bookmarks do. I never thought about it again until the day, maybe six months ago, when it suddenly came back. I don't remember what book I found it in, but consider that I've moved four times since then, once to a new province. Plus, I normally go through a bookmark every six weeks or so. I'm terrible at holding onto them. The fact that I still have this one—and use it still, months after that—is a goddamn miracle. This flimsy little rectangle is older than my daughter.

[booksinthekitchen]

Finn can now walk, and can recognize himself in pictures (he points to the photo, then to his chest, and says, "Me!"). His reward is five minutes with his sister's prized pinwheel.

[UPDATE: He totally broke it.]

[booksinthekitchen]

Dept. of Darndest Things: Cheryl Foggo, Dear Baobab

My daughter Bridget, age 5, likes books as much as I do. When I can convince her to write a joint review of a new kids’ title, the result is a dispatch from the Dept. of Darndest Things.

Today we look at Dear Baobab (Second Story Press, $15.95), Cheryl Foggo's story of an immigrant boy and a tree that's been planted in the wrong place.

* * * * *

What did you think of this story?

Bridget: I thought it was a good one.

Why?

B: That's a hard one to know the answer to.

Off the top of your head, what are some reasons you liked it?

B: I mean, I bet there would be [one], it just slowly drifts out of your mind after the story's over and you don't really remember it anymore. It's hard to say the answers to questions.

Okay. [We finished re-reading it literally 30 seconds ago.] Tell me one thing you remember about it.

B: [Points to a picture of Maiko and the baobab tree he's had painted above his bed, which reminds him of the one back home in Africa.] 

Did you think it was interesting that Maiko wasn't from Canada? We haven't read many stories about people from Africa.

B: Yeah, we haven't. Africa... Look, the moon is still out!

Did you notice that what happens to him is the same thing that happens to the spruce tree in his front yard?

B: Yes. For example, Maiko was planted in England. I mean, Africa. And he couldn't grow there. He got sent to his aunt and uncle's house. His parents died—where else could he go? And the tree can't grow where it was actually planted, which makes more sense, and it has to be put in a forest.

Were any parts scary? Like when he's worried the tree is going to get cut down?

B: It might be a bit exciting, in fact. Is it gonna? Is it not? What's going to happen? Then you really find that out later, which is a bit of a surprise, I mean.

The person who wrote this book lives in Calgary. Isn't it exciting to think that people are coming up with stories all over the place?

B: Even England.

What would you give it on a scale of 0 to 10?

B: Zero to 10? Good idea to add on zero, dad.

Oh, do you want to do 1 to 10 instead?

B: I said, "Good idea."

* * * * *

Want more like this? The entire Dept. of Darndest Things archive is clickably here.

[booksinthekitchen]

Dept. of Darndest Things: Mélanie Watt, Scaredy Squirrel Has A Birthday Party

My daughter Bridget, who just turned 5, likes books as much as I do. (Finn, also pictured, is indifferent.) When I can convince her to write a joint review of a new kids’ title, the result is a dispatch from the Dept. of Darndest Things.

Today we look at Scaredy Squirrel Has a Birthday Party (Kids Can Press, $16.95), Mélanie Watt's latest instalment in her mega-cute franchise.

* * * * *

What's this story about?

B: Just say "Scaredy Squirrel has a birthday party" for that.

Is it a funny book, or a sad book?

B: Funny.

How many times did you laugh?

B: I don't think I ever have.

How many times did you smile?

B: I don't know. [Quickly] One time!

You've read all the Scaredy Squirrel books. Why do you like them?

B: I haven't read all of them! I've read three of them.

Okay, okay. What do you like about them?

B: I think they're really silly. But I don't like how Mr. Finn grabs at all my books! I like the ones that have lots of charts, and plans. I like all those. I think they're pretty neat. I have no idea how to stop this baby from grabbing at my book.

Did Scaredy Squirrel give you any ideas for your birthday party?

B: Well, I asked Mom to check my date of birth. I was trying to pick a safe location: our house. Mom gave me a bit of a breathing thing [to practice blowing out candles].

If you could ask Mélanie Watt to make a new Scaredy Squirrel book, what would you want it to be about?

B: A book about me.

You and Scaredy Squirrel?

B: Just me, generally.

* * * * *

Like this? Check out the entire Dept. of Darndest Things archive here.