trauma is in the eye of the beholder

maybe my moods are written on the ceiling

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e/d mention -- 

i think i might need to reconsider my vegetarianism... i have been a vegetarian for a little over a year (with occasional exceptions, like, if i want ramen i will get ramen; i eat popcorn chicken sometimes; etc). my rule of thumb was that if i ever wanted meat, or something containing meat, i would get/make it and enjoy it without having to ~justify it or whatever. but lately i have definitely been restricting food on the basis that “it’s not vegetarian” ... and i can’t do that. it is not healthy. i need to eat food first and foremost, and if that means i eat some kind of meat, then i can, will, and should do that. im not trying to prescribe how other ppl should approach these same concerns (maybe they are able to figure out good alternatives) but for me... i never want “i can’t/don’t eat meat” to be a way for me to justify to myself why i am not putting food into my body...

i think it is different if i can’t stomach the thought of eating meat. in a case like that, i should try and find a good alternative that will allow me to feed myself <3

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i guess i just think a lot about how tired of myself i am, and how much more tired of me everybody else must be

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i got a vaccine dose yesterday and have been in rly bad pain all day... my whole body hurts and im exhausted but im in too much pain to sleep... i took some painkillers but like, my muscles are just so tired and wrung out i dont think they helped a lot in that regard. (fortunately they helped with a headache + the fever i had.) but like... im just so miserable and i also havent eaten enough because my stomach is kinda unsettled and i cant bring myself to eat anything. (i did eat some bread and i had some gatorade, so at least i got SOME calories into my body ;;) ... im so tired and i want to go to bed but im cold and in pain and tired and i feel really overwhelmed and alone. like my hands are inflamed, my joints hurt, every muscle i have feels like somebody took them and wrung them out like a dish towel. and its so hard to distract myself because the pain is insistent and everywhere: my feet, my legs, my back, my hands, my neck... staring at screens makes my eyes tired... im just really exhausted. it also doesnt help that last night i barely slept because i was in too much pain and when i did sleep i had these fever nightmares... thankfully i did get one good hour of sleep during the day, and i was able to skip work. like, i will be all right. i just feel very very horrible. the other thing that sucks is that because i live alone i am just... going through it on my own. i cant have someone bring me water if i need it. its such a small thing but having someone with me would help me so much

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sometimes it is kind of a relief not to talk to certain people! it is very nice. i dont always realize it until we havent talked lol. but here i am,,, happy

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alcohol discussion under the cut

anyway i have been drinking daily lately. hasnt been that way for a while, since last summer (>2 months is a while for me). i just like being drunk! it feels nice. i so rarely feel relaxed anymore and being drunk is one way for me to feel relaxed. but of course it also has an impact on, like, My Life, in the sense that i get headaches or don’t sleep as well or blah blah after drinking. idk. im going to skip drinking tonight, or at least try, and see how it goes. i gotta be able to do at least one day

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me: i dont have an alcohol problem, it is so much better than a few years ago

also me: ah yes i am drunk at 5:40 pm because i was drinking at work :) why do you ask :)

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if people have problems with me i really just wish they would talk to me! directly! i hate hearing about it from other people! it’s not the messenger’s responsibility ! i always feel so bad when people are in that position,,, like idk.

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gonna talk abt My Dad under the cut so uh yeah if you keep reading heads up for discussions of abuse (emotional + physical intimidation)

i go back and forth on a constant basis abt whether or not my dad is abusive. there is LOTS of evidence that he is !!!! he used to make me cry more or less on a daily basis, he used to intimidate me and my sister (throwing things, yelling, etc), and he would regularly gaslight me about things i cared about, etc. idk. probably there is other stuff im forgetting. i feel like i was so used to it growing up that i have mostly figured out that he was abusive through lack of abuse -- what i mean by that is that, for example, when i went to college i lived on campus and for the first few weeks of school i thought there was something wrong with me because i wasnt crying daily. i really thought there was something wrong with me!!! i was like “why am i not crying? is something wrong? are my emotions not working?” and then i went home over break and realized,,, ah,,, it is because im living away from my dad for the first time.

similarly -- he regularly oversteps boundaries, refuses to believe that i have problems, etc. last year i had covid -- like actual “i got positive test results” covid 19. and the only reason i even know that i had it is that i felt so sick that i went to get tested, and the test came back positive. rather than texting me to see if i was ok, he texted me saying that the results might have been a false positive and maybe i should go back. like,,, hello? 

and then he wanted to come in and visit me (standing outside) and i was really hesitant because hes not good abt wearing a mask. and when i was like “i’d really prefer you didnt come at all, i don’t want to risk it” he was like “why are you like this” (not even meme phrasing aslkdjflaksjf he literally said it that way) -- i was like idk how to explain to you that living in a deadly pandemic freaks me out! and not even just for MY sake but for his sake and my mom’s!

now -- this is all coming up today because he and my mom went to visit my sister and get takeout and eat outside, which they do periodically, and apparently when they were with her she blurted out that hes a huge source of trauma for her and she doesnt want him in her life anymore. which -- i hope she is ok (she’s with mom right now and hasn’t talked to me about any details or anything)!!!! and it’s 100% reasonable to say that!

but BOY it is,,, i guess triggering me? not that she did it -- but now i am afraid of what my dad might do in retaliation. to her, and also to my mom. (and i guess to me?? idk -- i haven’t told him anything similar and tbh he is probably afraid to ask.) im just like WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF and anyway what i am getting at here is that if he weren’t abusive, i wouldn’t have to worry about these things!!!!!! GOD im just !!!! anyway. im also learning that even though i don’t consider myself to be conflict-averse necessarily, i kind of am. at least in this case. granted is it from a place of self-preservation? yes lol

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i think ive posted about this before but this year has done a real number on my ability 2 be Reasonable about like, basic human things. for example, my chest feels tight? could be anxiety, could be a deadly virus. im tired? could be depressed, could be the virus. and the thing is that being anxious about all of these small things is making me like, More anxious, which, regardless of their origin, makes those symptoms Worse. i am just a scaredy-cat which is not such a good thing to be in a for-profit health system. im just really anxious and panicky and like, if something is genuinely bad i know where i can go to seek out help! but like !!!!!! im constantly anxious and afraid in general and scared particularly of death (my own AND others’). like. im in a bad place lately and im trying to take it day by day, but like, that is really hard sometimes.

tonight i went shopping for groceries which is always very stressful honestly (though fortunately it went well & i even got more groceris than usual, which will probably help me, because i never buy enough and then i regret it. so i was anxious all afternoon and then i have been anxious since getting home. like. I GET IT. my brain is doing its thing! and it’s not a purely irrational anxiety, which makes it harder for me to talk myself out of it. but. i do what i can. im breathing, im drinking water, im about to go to sleep and try to rest. i also have not been sleeping well lately (maybe for the last week or so??) -- i keep having weird dreams and i keep waking up feeling unrested.

god just writing this down has been so helpful. having something to focus on. something to write. ive been watching a lot of things lately -- youtube videos, community -- but i havent been doing things with my hands. granted writing only kind of counts but i did not realize how good it would feel to do this until i was on the second paragraph, like, i feel intensely relieved now, which is kind of wild. at this point this post is more or less a freewrite so uh, here we are. i should do some art or some writing tomorrow. maybe some timed writing will help me. also i had a rough december on a personal level. i was really really stressed and thought i had appendicitis (fortunately i didnt) and then spent a week and a half watching bad tv and thinking i was going to die of a ruptured appendix in my sleep and then was stressed because i didnt want to see anyone for christmas and then was stressed because the power went out in my apartment building for like 16 hours and i was scared my plants would get too cold and die and then -- anyway you get the idea. all that on top of like, the virus, knowing people are dying more and more every day, knowing that my friends are at risk,,,,, etc etc. it’s genuinely scary!!!!! and i have it much easier than i could! i work from home, i live alone, etc. im just really doing badly and writing this out is making it incredibly obvious that my ocd is acting up. which i’ve Known (i literally have eczema from obsessive hand washing -- what a stereotype jesus christ) but like i really spent a whole month convinced i was gonna die. what a silly mental illness!!!!!!!

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i am really anxious. i had a small panic attack earlier when i went to the grocery store (honestly unrelated to going to the store -- it was something else, i was just in the store when it Struck). i came home, put away my groceries, showered, had some food, and am trying to ride out the rest of it. im very jittery (drinking caffeine early in the day did Not help) and cold. i want to go to bed but im very awake so i don’t want to just lie in bed and not sleep.

i’m all right!! i’m just frustrated. anyway. i have tomorrow off so that will be nice. i am reading a book right now called algorithms of oppression and i want to finish it soon! it’s very interesting and well-written/straightforward to follow.

anyway im Thriving. im all right! very grateful that it’s warm in my apartment and that i have Fresh Jeopardy to watch and that i have no work tomorrow.

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11/21/19

if u know where i work in real life keep this on the down-low please lol BUT

i think i am going to quit my job soon (soon as in a matter of months rather than... a year, say)

i switched teams but even so, my day-to-day is kind of unbearably boring and terrible and makes my brain feel like it’s on fire. it didn’t used to be like this, and so i’m taking that as a sign that i need to go elsewhere. i don’t know WHERE “elsewhere” is right now (tbqh it might look like Taking Time To Write And Revise A Novel lol) but ... having Officially made this decision feels amazing. i made a whole google doc and everything about Why I Want To Quit My Job. i had sections for Why I Want To Keep My Job and it was like “I really like the people” - which i DO. but people aren’t enough of a reason to stay because 1) they can leave, and then what am i doing there (this has happened before lol and it really changes the dynamic!) and 2) people are important but im ALSO “people” and i am also important - my needs are important.

i don’t care about what i do at this job and it feels like i’m just involved in something weird and obnoxious and vaguely evil. i don’t want to stay in it. i want to go somewhere else and do someTHING else! and i want better mentorship - people who are older, who have life experience, who aren’t 26 or 27 years old and trying to make it just like i am.

i feel great having made this choice. it’s already helping me focus on what is really important (sleeping in tomorrow) and what’s not (going to work early tomorrow). i’m very, very excited. and i’m also excited to quit and take time off; i’m grateful to have enough money saved for that to be feasible for more than a few weeks. i just... feel so much better! better than i have felt in months!

it’s funny because i got a lot of my life In Order today in a series of increasingly important tasks: 1. got a blazer tailored that i’ve been meaning to tailor for a YEAR lol

2. scheduled a haircut (i buzzed my head and it feels So good and the hair guy was super nice)

3. scheduled a dentist appointment to see if i need my wisdom teeth out

4. decided to quit my job lol

(4) fills me with SOOOOOOOO much glee. i am so legitimately excited. i gotta go my own way!!!!!!!

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2/26/19

just want to note that while last week was a really rough one for me, i put in a lot of effort to take better care of myself this week. and i’m really proud of myself! here are some things i’ve done recently that i’m proud of:

- i took a nap last night before writing so i could feel better rested after work

- i’ve been keeping track of how much water i drink on a daily basis so i know when i need to hydrate more

- i haven’t had alcohol in a little over a week

- i try to take the long walk home from work when i can/cajole myself into getting fresh air more often

- i went to the library and checked out books i’m excited to read

- i am patient if i don’t want to get out of bed, but coax myself out anyway without any harsh language

- i have been trying to do more tarot readings

- i cooked dinner for myself tonight and cleaned up all of the dishes immediately after so i won’t have to tomorrow

i am really proud of all of this!

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I just got back from a week-long family trip to Georgia - it was generally really fun. I just want to note that I am feeling really down lately. nothing bad or troubling - just tired, kind of like I am covered in a blanket at all times mentally. not a lot of interest in things that involve work (like going for walks, writing, etc) but i haven’t been sleeping more than usual, so that’s something. my sister & i went to a really beautiful wildlife reserve and saw ALLIGATORS and it was such a nice way to spend the morning!! and then our flight was delayed - it was supposed to leave at 2:30 but after we’d been on the plane for 2 hours they were like “there’s something wrong with the engine, we need you all to get off the plane” so we ended up waiting till 11 to take off. which KIND OF was a long time but didn’t really feel like it??? we hung out and people watched and all of the other people waiting were really funny and interesting to be around. so yeah! i am writing here because i want to take note of this because it was a genuinely nice experience, but i am too tired (+ my hand hurts too much) to write in my physical journal. also, i turned 25!

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7 depression tips and why they work, from someone who’s been hardcore depressed for two years

hi so im recovering from a really mean depression and there are some things i learned and that i would like to tell you. 

1. you need to reappropriate your space and time. depression is lying to you and generally shrinks your living space (aka: you spend your time in bed/behind your computer/in your room…). visit and do something (even if its just scrolling down social media) in each room you have access to. expand your perception and space, you’ll breathe more easily.

2. plan depression outfits. a depression outfit is a comfy one you still can go out in. to me, it’s old ripped jeans and a turtleneck, my old work uniforms, sweaters. dressing up is one of the most important parts of managing depression. first of all, you’ll feel less like pathetic with proper clothes on (nothing worse than staying in your pj all day). secondly, and it’s a crucial point: it allows you to get out to run some errands. imagine you have to go grocery shopping or to the post office. if you’re in your unwashed pajamas you’ve been wearing for three days or more (been there done that) what you have to do is to undress, shower (if you can), and put on real, clean clothes. which is three things. depression messes wih one’s ability to start things, so it’s very likely you’ll drop your errands and just stay at home feeling like shit. but if you’re already wearing clothes, you just have to put on a coat and get out of the house. which is, trust me, 10 times easier than doing the whole dressing up thing.

3. it’s okay if you stay the whole day in bed but force yourself to get up in the morning (anytime before noon) and drink a glass of water/juice. again, depression messes up with your ability to start doing things, but if you concentrate your will to just get up and drink something before going back to bed, i promise you’ll feel less shitty and might actually end up getting up for good since you’ve been through the trouble of getting up. You’ll feel better (and also you need water!)

4. do one (1) physical, material thing that will improve your life conditions per day. aka: washing a single glass, scrubbing the mirror, etc. you’ll feel proud of yourself, and the tidiest your environment, the less shitty your brain will be. plus, again: if you manage to wash a single dish, maybe you’ll find yourself cleaning the whole kitchen without noticing. and thats a good thing. no pressure: just do one single thing. and don’t beat yourself up if you can’t, of course, but try, it’s gonna be better that way. 

5. open the window (especially at night, i personally find it very soothing) and just… breathe fresh air, looking at the horizon or closing your eyes, and breathe in and out slowly. it’s great to take fresh air. bonus if you have anxiety/ptsd, honestly. opening the windows is one of the easiest ways i know to stop a panic attack.

6. brush your teeth everyday, even if it’s the only thing you manage to do. i know every depression guide recommends it, but it’s really important. not showering for a few days is okay, you’re not gonna get sick that way. but dental hygiene is capital. not to mention you’ll feel less rotting in the inside if you’re less rotting in the outside. you can use your phone to schedule your teeth brushing of the day! really helps. 

7. think about your hobbies and force yourself to do something related to an old hobby of yours. i know it’s no fun. i know you can’t feel anything, so why bother? but really, do bother. do it and eventually as you recover it will be fun again. you haven’t lost your passion, your goals, your motivation. it’s still there, but depression is like a blanket that covers it all. forcing yourself to still act on your hobbies (especially if those are not screen-related: books, gardening, etc.) will help digging through the depression layers to expose your will to live again. trust me on this one. i really thought i was just an apathetic mess, but actually depression was just mean. i believe in you! 

and finally: hold tight and it’s gonna be okay! recovery is possible, and it’s gonna arrive sooner than you expect. energy and motivation are good things and they’re still around here waiting for you! 

feel free to add your own! you’re all gonna make it i promise.

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2019 01 16

writing here because i feel too tired to write in my physical journal, whatever that means.

cw for anxiety mention, mention of suicidal thoughts, etc, also drinking

recently i’ve been trying to take stock of my moods on a daily basis - like, “super positive? super negative? slightly positive? slightly negative?” on friday i was in a terrible place. but now i feel a lot better. today i had an anxiety attack while i was interviewing someone - thought i was going to throw up, thought i was going to pass out. fortunately it passed and (fingers crossed) may not happen again. anyway. i’m planning on staying home from work tomorrow and working from home; i feel really fortunate that it’s even an option for me at all.

lately i’ve been feeling very passively suicidal - like, “it wouldn’t make a difference if i just died,” “all of my stress would be gone if i died,” all kinds of weird nonsense like that. i have also been drinking a lot, and have been feeling anxious almost constantly.

to take care of myself i have been trying to drink water, eat (I ordered a pizza at like 10 pm just to make sure i had dinner!), NOT isolate, walk outside sometimes,,, obviously I am still in a Mental State but i feel better at least. so that is something. lately i’ve been thinking, “if, someday, i no longer feel like this, i don’t want my decisions from right now to have a negative impact.” like, i will probably care about not killing my liver - so i am trying to drink a little less, just for future me. i routinely want to chain smoke - but for the most part i don’t. (mostly because im too lazy to go outside.)

my week at work is almost over and i have nothing this weekend that requires my immediate attention - so i’m going to spend it the way i’ve spent the last 3 weekends, which is, hanging out in my apartment not doing much of anything: reading, sleeping, debating whether or not i want coffee. it actually keeps me in a really good state of mind, i’ve found; i’m able to relax. i give myself the time i need to take care of myself. it feels really amazing.

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cw alcohol / alcoholism

so in early 2017 i remember drinking alone a lot - often getting blackout drunk in my room - and at some point, i was like, well, this kind of seems like a problem, but also, it’s fine. that was my thought process. and i went to an AA meeting with my roommate, and they were giving out the sobriety tokens or whatever they are called. i had never gone to a meeting before, but i had been sober for 3 months, and when they were like “3 months” i went up and got a token. and the guy next to me was like “you aren’t even an alcoholic,” and i said, “yes, i am,” and immediately felt like a faker, but i took a token anyway. but i also felt like three months of sobriety, first try, meant that i wasn’t a real alcoholic. like, sure, i had engaged in Unhealthy Drinking Behavior, but if i could just up and stop drinking for three months, how bad could it be?

sometime that summer i made the conscious decision to drink again. not much. i didn’t overdo it and, for the most part, i didn’t drink alone. i didn’t get blackout drunk. i thought, ok, well, i’m okay, then. i made a rule (because of course you are not an alcoholic if you follow rules about how to drink - what a normal thing to do) that i couldn’t drink in my apartment, but i did go out drinking on occasion. i got really hungover a few times, and threw up from drinking a few times, but, like, whatever, in the scheme of things, right?

the other night i was lying awake thinking about alcohol. i read somewhere that you aren’t really supposed to have more than 3 drinks at a time, or more than 7 in a week (there’s a bunch of stuff about gender - but i’m pretty small, so i figure, i should err on the side of “seven drinks a week is too many”). i definitely have at least seven drinks every week. on nights when i am actively drinking, i definitely have 3-4 drinks. & so this led me, at some hour in the morning, to google “alcoholism test.” i checked off all four of the CAGE criteria and was still like, “well, maybe i’m stretching the truth.” i drank three drinks the other night and have a hazy memory as a result - but, like, it was a friday.

on saturday and sunday i didn’t drink at all. i made myself tea. i drank water. i had some mcdonald’s coffee. but i didn’t have a single sip of alcohol.

tonight i came home from work and thought, “if i can do two days, i can do seven. i can go a week without drinking.” but the reality is, the thought of that terrifies me. even though i have gone months without drinking before. (all told it was six months on the wagon, way back when.) even though i know i could do it, physically, mentally, if i had to. but i am writing this post because if seven days seems too long for me to go without having a drink, that is a problem.

and i know, intellectually at least, that i have a problem. i know this. i am, on a technical level, cognizant of this. i know it is bad to drink when i am despairing and it is bad to drink when i am frustrated and it is bad to drink when i “just need to get things done.” i know it is bad to drink when “i know i will regret this in the morning.” i know all of these things are indicative of a problem. i know it is a problem to drink alone and not tell anyone. of course i know why i don’t tell anyone: i don’t want them to know about me being an alcoholic. i don’t want anyone to stop me. if i wake up hungover, nauseous, barely able to open my eyes without my stomach turning, that is for me to bear on my own. it is for me to know about, and not anybody else. i don’t want to trouble people. i don’t want anyone to worry about me. & sometimes i think, “if i had friends who would drink with me, this wouldn’t be a problem.” but would it not? all i have evidence for is that my drinking is beyond normal, it is beyond “casual,” it is beyond anything that i should be subjecting myself to.

i don’t want to answer why i drink. there are many reasons. but i want to note that i am getting to a point where i think i will need to address this as the problem that it is. the problem is, i don’t want to.

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just making a note here for the future - i’m having a hard time distinguishing between “I’m self-isolating” and “I don’t want to spend time with certain friends” like, I often want to be alone rather than spend time with people, yet i also crave human contact??? i think i am at a point where i need distance. i want to feel like i can trust people and i don’t feel that way