New Ends and New Beginnings.
"What the hell did you want me to do?"
I almost remember the distinct sound of my heart cracking, even through the cold January night, the feeling of my breath getting caught in my throat and the desire to stomp my feet on the ground and scream. He didn't know what to do, he didn't realize.
"I wanted you to protect me, to fight for me" my voice wavered on the last few words as a tear cascaded down my cheek."and you stood there, just bloody stood there and watched everything break apart".
"You're sorry,huh?" a bitter laugh escaped from my throat.
"That's what everyone always says right? The same old routine. I'll try and fix everything, we can get back to the way we were, just wait it will be like old times again." His glazed eyes rested on mine for a mere moment before looking in another direction.
"Look..I.. know we'v- you've gone through a lot and it's all because of me and i wasn't around and you're right, worthless excuses are like lighting a match in a burning fire, but i swear we can go back to how we were before." he pleaded stepping a foot closer as to beckon me into his embrace.
"That's the point though, that you don't seem to understand, to comprehend. You're going to try and it's going to come in a form of compassion, pity, because i made you feel guilty and your going to try to extinguish that flame of guilt by making gestures and actions to make us both believe that this can work but that’s the thing, this can't work".
The neediness in my words reached it's climax as i heard the break in my voice and dried the tears on my cheek with the back of my palm.
"That's the thing though isn't it, you need someone who's ok with you being physically away from them for that long period of time, and i just need someone who's there for me whenever i want them to be." I reasoned, partly with him and partly with myself.
"Listen, we can make this work, i promise" he grabbed my wrists in his open hands.
"Weeks, I waited weeks, not a single text or call even to say 'hey i thought about you' nothing, do you understand how it feels when the person who you thought loved you the most just forgets about you? That's right, you don't and you know why? Because you never loved me".
"Please don't make this harder than this is, we both knew this was coming, one day or another it was going to arrive, unexpected on your doorstep or mine.," i paused letting my words sink in. It was finally over, this was it.
I grabbed the leather tote bag that was discarded carelessly on his sofa and slowly placed it on my shoulder. Silence filled the room as we both stared at each other, the dread and realization engulfing the moment. The faint reverberations of someone playing a James Young track in the building could be heard. Slowly but steadily i made my way towards the door determined to not falter and cave and run into his arms and apologize.
“So this is it huh? You’re just going to leave? Fine. If that how you wanna end it go ahead” came a voice from behind me, I turned to look at him, infuriated.
“What did you just say huh?” a throaty chuckle slipped from my mouth in utter disbelief. ‘ Don’t you dare turn this on me. I was there for you, through everything when you lost your job, when you couldn’t pay your rent, every problem you had with your parents and you not caring for god knows how long is the reason i’m leaving. So don’t you dare ‘
“Yeah, yeah sure as if i didn’t do anything for you ever right? What about all the times i stayed up till bloody 4am to talk to you? Those clearly don’t matter right?” he screamed holding up his hands in surrender.
“That was over two years ago Xavier, and we both know you’re not that guy anymore so can you please stop pretending.” I scoffed. “The longest you have stayed up for me in the last 6 months was till 10pm and that includes all the times I asked you to just because i wanted to talk to you for 10 minutes.”
“Mia-just please try to cons-”
“I can’t okay? I just- I don’t deserve this. To an extent you don’t either. So its just better that you let me go”.
With a final look, i walked towards the door and left his apartment. A feeling of relief as well as grief surged through me as the elevator doors closed.
That was the last time i saw Xavier Matthews.
But not even he could have prepared me for what what about to happen in my life.
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