iVent

24 & still trying to get the hang of life

[boringbreadfuntoast]

I have seen your messages, your dm, and your emails throughout the years. Some of them seemed somewhat genuine while others seemed very passive aggressive/degrading/upsetting. Today I surprisingly am responding to you after years... After the last time I said I would not be responding or involved in your life anymore. The only reason I am finally responding is because all the times I never replied was me with my guard up. I didn't reply because the reason I stopped originally was to stop the cycle. I had set it into my head that if I responded I was continuing the cycle. But I just recently realized (because I have been walking back and forth on this situation a lot frequently since you've been messaging more consistently) that I no longer "need to break a cycle" -- the cycle had been broken for a while now and don't fear that I would run back to you or that I'd get pulled back into that "life." So, here I am, replying to you. I still don't know where to start or what to say because that's just how it is 🤷‍♀️

~~~~~~~~~

*big sigh* I'm not sure if I should even reply to him .. ._.

Im getting a lot of .. "a feeling" that my current fiance wouldn't like it. But I also care about myself and doing/feeling better. I just feel like I'm dragging this on cause I don't want to have the conversation with my fiance about messaging my ex for closure. I know who I'm with now and I know who I love. There's no question about it but I feel like maybe I can move more forward in my current relationship ... ??? 😐 There's some things that I feel I hold onto. That are soul crushing to myself that I love with everyday that can probably be fixed ... :/ Idk

[boringbreadfuntoast]

I have seen your messages, your dm, and your emails throughout the years. Some of them seemed somewhat genuine while others seemed very passive aggressive/degrading/upsetting. Today I surprisingly am responding to you after years... After the last time I said I would not be responding or involved in your life anymore. The only reason I am finally responding is because all the times I never replied was me with my guard up. I didn't reply because the reason I stopped originally was to stop the cycle. I had set it into my head that if I responded I was continuing the cycle. But I just recently realized (because I have been walking back and forth on this situation a lot frequently since you've been messaging more consistently) that I no longer "need to break a cycle" -- the cycle had been broken for a while now and don't fear that I would run back to you or that I'd get pulled back into that "life." So, here I am, replying to you. I still don't know where to start or what to say because that's just how it is 🤷‍♀️

~~~~~~~~~

*big sigh* I'm not sure if I should even reply to him .. ._.

Im getting a lot of .. "a feeling" that my current fiance wouldn't like it. But I also care about myself and doing/feeling better. I just feel like I'm dragging this on cause I don't want to have the conversation with my fiance about messaging my ex for closure. I know who I'm with now and I know who I love. There's no question about it but I feel like maybe I can move more forward in my current relationship ... ??? 😐 There's some things that I feel I hold onto. That are soul crushing to myself that I love with everyday that can probably be fixed ... :/ Idk

[boringbreadfuntoast]

unfortunately last night while on my break we had a customer who had a poor experience...

Now all that alone isn't really what's bugging me of course cause personally things happen..

But my manager.. aka my "best friend" went off on me last night before I left work via phone call

And is texting me early this morning to come at me about it again .. she said she's going to call me up if things aren't set well in the store today even though it's my day off ...

Anyways it sucks because I'm getting over this place just cause it feels like an endless loop of you either do good or if you do bad you get hell out of it. And it sucks cause at the end of the day I can't even talk to my best friend for support because they're my manager and they're the ones stressing me out and making me feel bad. And then they don't like when I reply to them about an issue because then all of a sudden I'm being incompetent and a back talker. When I try to explain that I'm just trying to communicate and mean nothing personal I get accused of "doing this all the time" ... Idk if it's the type of people I attract but she can be condescending, dismissive, and a lot of the times ignorant towards her awareness of how she effects people..

[boringbreadfuntoast]

What if I just hurt myself for myself???

I mean it use to feel like it was for me but I know it was mostly partially for someone else

But now I feel like what if I just do it for me

So I can feel better instead

I'm ... Tipsy?? I don't think I'm drunk

But I feel like shit ... Am I even worthy of anything or anyone

This shit is a sham

My life isn't what I wanted it to be??

Here I am crying and trying to pretend like I'm not

[boringbreadfuntoast]

I forgot what the last thing I posted was

But I have been an AM (assistant manager) for like 2-3weeks now?? Im freestyling it 🥲

Living on the edge 👀

It's like what's the next thing that will happen y'know

🥹🥹🥹

I just want to make it to moving with my manz away and quitting lol but having my experience to help me out in the worldddd

Also I want to move and start lifeeeee for realz

But I want to take my mama everywhere with me :( I miss her always and all the time

Even though she's down the street I miss her hellaaaa

☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

I can only imagine how my manz feels away from his mama

[boringbreadfuntoast]

Gooood morning ! Starting bright & early cause I had to get up to drop off my manz and then drop myself off at home

Buttt homegirl at it with the text messages about OT. Throwing her man's name in there, too, to make it seem like they're not anything.

She's pointing fingers at everyone else but herself ..

If it comes up I swear ... It's not being disrespectful, it's being called out on your bs. But she wants us to have her back but lately it doesn't even feel like she has ours? She starts off the day not even opening her store. She has her man do it even though he's an extra body. & Sure she'll help me set up but throws it back by saying don't ask me for anything else. And I didn't even ask for her help cause I can handle my shit either way.

And then she does her "manager duties" up until im free from my section then all of a sudden all she does is sit in the office and lashes out at everyone for minor inconveniences that she could've helped them avoid by stepping in to help. But noooo

I get it -- life keeps smacking you in the face, but that doesn't mean you gotta burn bridges with everyone around you. Especially the people who are willing to take the blows. You can only milk that shit to an extent. Then you're all out and who do you have to blame?

I wish someone out there existed that could give her a reality check. Or a wake up call.

[boringbreadfuntoast]

@ v @

Just cause yuh going through it doesn't mean you gotta make everyone else around you go through it

Don't be selfish :////

[boringbreadfuntoast]

Today was better. Trying to take everything day by day.

I have an expiration for this job anyways.. might as well pretend for a few months as an AM, make some mula $$$, & gtfo n move away with my fiance and hopefully by then husband ✨

Just keep swimming 🐠🐟🐠🐟 🌊🌊🌊 🥲

[boringbreadfuntoast]

Things have been better for sure..

Now I'm going to get promoted again 🙃

And honestly idk how I feel about it

I'm not trying to go through IT again 🙃🥲 shit was rough...

Today I felt the pressure of my /bestie/ throwing all her bullshit at me

She's having issues in her personal life so she brought them to work. She was giving me shit for no reason & was accusing me of not helping people when her ass was sitting in the office doing nothing (basically that wasn't important) for at least 2-3 hours

She only came to me when it was convenient for her to ask for something or for her entertainment and went back to being dismissive and not attentive during work. It was a busy day, too, and she helped no one.

She was pissed off to that she didnt get to go take a 30minute nap. She might as well have since she wasn't doing squat.

Anyways Idk I write this today because I feel emotionally drained and physically drained from having to do more than I should've when I could've had the help. Today was utter bullshit. Excuse my language but goddamn :/ ...

[boringbreadfuntoast]

What do you call it when

Your manager screams at you via phone call cause you messed something up

Then it got fixed so she goes back to acting like your best friend

Then when it's your day off and they're 1 person down and then doesn't ask you to come in

But later after their busy time is over texts you to give you shit for not coming in to help and makes you feel like a shitty person

Makes you feel like it's your fault it was busy

Make it feel like it's your fault that they struggled

Make you feel like youre the reason they couldn't sit down all day

Make you feel like it's your fault they didn't stop to eat

Just makes everything your fault for wanting a day off especially from feeling shitty from period pains and nauseous. But I guess my reasoning wasn't good enough.

I feel like killing myself more and more each day

I feel like I don't want to be here anymore

I don't want to be me anymore

[boringbreadfuntoast]

I don't feel understood

I feel my feelings are just a burden upon myself & others

What's the point of everything if we're all just going to die anyways

What's the point of this blog

Wasn't I suppose to be getting better ?

[boringbreadfuntoast]

I don't want to do this life thing anymore..

I thought I was done being all suicidal and depressed n shit

[boringbreadfuntoast]

What if I just did it

[boringbreadfuntoast]

Literally had a whole ass argument at work in front of a ton of people with my "best friend" / general manager.

I'm not one to talk badly about people... But she's really self centered. And has selective hearing.

I decided to leave... Because what's the point of being there if all she's going to do is ignore me, talk shit about me in front of everyone, act like she's a victim, etc.

Sometimes I wonder why we're even friends

Sometimes I just feel like her punching bag . . .

Is it crazy how my friends and boyfriend are all "angry" types. Like when they're upset they are extremely upset and lash out at everyone. And I'm the type to try to stay calm, try to talk about it, or cry because I'm not 1 to be angry.

I wasn't even angry with her

I was trying to talk to her and she basically told me to go fuck myself. What kind of a friend is that

Yeah I know work is work but the way she got so butthurt wasn't even work/manager.. it was her getting defensive and trying to throw her manager card at me only to her convenience.

Tl;Dr I need a new job and maybe new friends :/

[boringbreadfuntoast]

[boringbreadfuntoast]

[boringbreadfuntoast]

Isn't it funny how this blog was suppose to be just venting . . I mean it is .... For the most part for venting.. but slowly starting to feel like a place for me to let out my sadness too. Just like my ol blog . . Except I'm avoiding self harm & such here where as on the other one it was straight self harm and such.

Anyways I've recently been feeling the intrusive thought of self harm more frequently

Between hurting myself & ending it. You guessed it.. it's my job! Yuh see the only reason I put up with it is the $$$ & that I know it.. for the most part. I've been there for 4 years..

But. Everytime I fuck up (I've mostly fucked up now cause I'm a shift) I feel like hurting myself. I feel like as a punishment if anything. But then I get angry and frustrated that I CANT hurt myself so those feelings progress to just wanting to end it all cause then I wouldn't have to deal with any of my feelings or fucking up @ work or in anything.

You have no idea how much I want to "slip up" on self harm. 🔪 But I don't. But I can feel my arms/wrist buzzing with want. They've got anxiety all over them. Luring me in. But I think of my mom.. my boyfriend.. anyone who would think of looking at my wrist, looking at me, and asking me what happened .

And that's even suckier. Cause it's hate to let them down. And if I did, id just put myself in a deeper hole .

I could always try to hide it.. hide the self harm but my boyfriend would basically find it obvi.

Idk .. I just want to run away