Arabella

Sharing my thoughts and feelings.

[born2yuma]

I make clothes

I make art

I sing

I dance

I train

I read

I write

I make candles

I do graphics

I art direct

I produce shoots

I love pottery

I love feminism

I go to acting classes

I do flexibility

I did pole

Cultures

I dont post any of this stuff on socials

I dont have that many friends

I dont like most of the people i know/ meet

I am interesting

I am educated

I keep the openest of minds

[born2yuma]

I forgot how to write. I forgot why i write. But most importantly i forgot how powerful it was. Going back and reading something you wrote is undesirable. It comes from a phase of you you might not even remember. Is it a message from the past? Or the future? I don’t remember why i wrote it sometimes. what it means isn’t there either. But its me. I wrote it. I was there and this was what i contributed to the world. And honestly. Thats fucking powerful because we lose ourselves and each other and i found that i go crazy looking for home videos to remember my past by , when all i had was some pieces or beginnings of writings or feelings i felt Thats who u r in the end. Not how u act due to society or how people portay you. Its how u feel and how u grow. Thats right. Im back bitches.

[born2yuma]

I might never stop missing you.

[born2yuma]

I may never find love again.

[born2yuma]

I am afraid the night I return to you, I become paralyzed.

Beautiful hands of my bare neck.

The breath of measureless love.

The kisses smooth as ever, I unlearn the suffering.

O Night, to stop and sleep in the arm of my lover.

And to know this insane chemistry is right.

“I Love You” the sound that relieves that relieves the pain in my heart.

[aliensfoundmysoul]

Message to my family

If you love me; you’d set me free

You’d liberate me from all the constraints the world has put on women and instead of just following norms of our supposed nature, of what people think is right, you would help me escape, and break those chains. If you love me you’d want anything for me but to conform and submit.

you’d help me be bold, brave, different and smart and not a fool like the rest of the world, you’d help me prove them wrong and save me from the terrible reality man has created.

They are not right and you aren’t either. They are not right to objectify us, sexualise us, use us, judge us, but you are not right to hide us, and restrict us.

What happens when you’re gone? What happens when i am left to discover the brutality of being independent in a society created for and only for men, will i be ready or will i be too naive? shouldn’t you prepare me to be as smart and fearless as man can be? Should I learn by conforming and staying in the bubble you declared safe for me?

Is making mistakes and growing as a human being right for you and wrong for me? Or does it only matter how it is seen through society’s eyes? Are those eyes gods eyes? Are they worthy of such power, of passing judgment? Do you think even god wont forgive me?

Is being independent defy my respect to you? Or does it show you how well you’ve raised me?

Liberated women in this world become the enemy because they challenge men in all aspects; politically, economically, personally. Am i your enemy in this life? Will my freedom intimidate you?

Does my happiness and freedom cost me our kinship? Is it more important than blood? Is it more important than love?

Will my restrictions allow you to see me the way you want to and only that way? Will it make you love me more?

Can you find it in your heart to support me in this life and not make me fearful of you as of the world? The world has rooted inside you the idea that we should always be challenged by one another, always in a battle over my freedom, that we should always be controlled otherwise id be doing something wrong, But am i actually doing something wrong? Or the roots they’ve created in you are a way to grow seeds in us too, to always be submissive, always be less intimidating because when the time comes, our voices will not be heard, and therefore they can remain, as always, in control. Can you find it in your heart to love me and set me free?

••••

Have you ever felt controlled?

Don’t you hate it?

Do you wish that for me?

If it was the other way around

Would i leave you be?

Or would i help you

And set you free?

[born2yuma]

My heart is pounding very rapidly to the sound of chatters and music, while i sit inside our coffeeshop, gazing through the glass, into the darkness. I have a sinking feeling in my chest and the door is opened letting in a cold breeze, I see people wrapped under their blankets with their hot drinks as I start to sweat because it's so hot where i'm sitting. I sense the stares of people around me, must think i'm planning for a murder, as i sneak some glances in between every sentence i write, but i don't care my mind is focused on one thing.

The waiter who was at first, friendly, flirty even, now gives me my coffee with a confused look on his faces, a little concerned even. I try to act normal but the thought of seeing you makes me unsettled. How can I want it to happen and not happen at the same time.

Winter was our favorite season, we used to come here and sit near the heater and laugh at your jokes. the place used to be filled with your friends but they are gone and so are you. i'm honestly glad, but confused as to why the scenarios keep playing in my head. they go like this

You are with her and i'm alone, i look up from my phone and you see me and our eyes meet at the same time. both our hearts sink and as we walk towards each other i prepare for a handshake and the fakest smile, i greet you both. do i walk away? do i make small talk? will you even greet me or will you walk away?

I rest my hand on my head as i think of how much i love this place. watching the people sit here and become regulars like we once were. i notice a table of people laughing and talking and i smile, i notice a reflection that catches my eye suddenly in the window, a girl holding her face up, barely smiling, sitting alone. i realize that girl is sitting on the inside and that girl looks sad. that girl is me. that girl used to sit here and there and on every table all at once. now that girl looks lonely. even though i generally am not but she is. in this moment right now maybe, longing for the past. her table is now filled with strange faces and her friends are on different continents, who knew. who knew where every one of us would finally end up.

It’s funny that i hated this place for so long. wouldn't even come near it, because of how familiar it was, after all it was the hangout of all the people from my past. i've had so many memories here, of different phases of my life. I must've sat on every table. but it is not my place anymore. its so different even though it's exactly the same. different staff, different customers, including me. wait, am i the irregular in the midst of all these people? am I in the right place? this must be the place isn't it, this must be it.

[born2yuma]

Tell me about your favorite song and how it moves you, tell me about the poem that everytime you read, changes you, tell me about the film that you made a world of and its characters you related with. Lets have a discussion about surrealist paintings or any that make you stand in a quiet room yet hear it terribly loud, as it fills you and the empty room. Lets talk about any form of art and creativity and how the lack of it would make the world a terrible place. Lets plan making art together. Get our hands dirty, Lets jam together, watch a film, paint on a canvas or exchange our favorite books. I want to be filled with the art, I want art to fill my world. I want to learn and teach it, I want to meet artists, have a beer together, smoke up a little, anything that we can bond over really and express the fuck out of ourselves. Lets also always encourage art.

-born2yuma

[aliensfoundmysoul]

so many questions roam through my head,

they are about my being and my transitions.

Like a flower throughout the seasons, I have changed.

And I dont happen recognize myself.

But one thing I know is that, 

Through every season; you have seen my true colors,

though I haven’t seen them myself.

Through every season; you have loved me,

though I am not sure why.

and for that; I am grateful.

When I am next to you, I resume to bloom

and it always feels like summer.

[born2yuma]

My love. Float. Fill the void. Be at peace.

yuma

[born2yuma]

Revival pt.2

Time passes and so do the memories of you,

Some are good some are bad, the worst ones always stay.

Time passes and so do the memories of you,

They come and go, but oh they find their way through,

They linger like the moonlight on a quiet night, 

But they are loud and raging, and I try to fight 

Time passes some more and so do my feelings of ache. 

And finally, the memories are starting to fade.

Time brings happier days 

Hopeful is the new,

I hope they never come back, I wish you never do,

As time heals the scars and all the memories of you.

[born2yuma]

Revival

For the first time I feel it

I feel something bigger, better

Arriving

It’s getting closer.

For the first time I see it

I can see what life can be.

For the first time I can breathe

I can be anything I want to be and I can take my time to ascertain where I’m standing.

I am filled with hope and many happy tomorrows.

It erases the scars of the past. 

I was drowning

And for the first time, I am on the other side. I have arrived.

and all I had to do was love myself more than I loved you.

[born2yuma]

Thoughts and Feelings.

Stillness. I feel it as I read it, as I write it, it fills me, and it takes over, it’s in the bed I’m lying on, it’s in the furniture surrounding the room, it’s in the sounds of the air, it’s in the quietness of the room. It’s in my mind.

still I lay, and still I feel. It’s in everything I am, it’s in everything I do. 

Time. time is the only thing that escapes the stillness. it’s the only thing that won’t stop. Time is passing with every breath and so I lay still. letting it escape between my fingers as I write, letting it flow as I think of life..

Life. Life goes on and keeps on changing. its changing me and its changing everyone. It’s scary but sometimes it can be pretty. but it just won’t stop. I wish I could let life lay next to me and see how still everything can be. for a second, for a moment, I wish it would stop. just until I get up. just until I could see, just for a second, just for you and just for me. 

[born2yuma]

Time passes and so do the memories of you.