carpe diem @botanval - Tumblr Blog

lookin a lil more toxic these days

— Porter Robinson

my heart hurts so much right now.

tbh I truly do think you’re my soulmate, even if we’ll never date. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at anyone else the way I look at you.

maybe I can’t remember the past, but this might be the most painful rejection I’ve ever experienced.

no matter what happens, I’ll always be grateful for you for saving me from a place I never thought I’d recover from.

I’ve written these kind of posts for so many that came before you. At some point they started losing its meaning because it felt like no matter what, I wasn’t meant to actually find someone. That none of the women I wrote about ended up a part of my present and future. But you’ve said the same thing, and wondered if it was karma that you were in the situation you’re in. We were both shitty people in the past, and sometimes it feels like we weren’t really meant to find love. Why does it feel like you’re the other half of the broken pieces of my heart? I thought I’d never feel this way again. I never thought I’d crave the sort of connection that me and you seem to have ever again, especially after what just happened to me. I truly thought I would have locked my heart away for a lot longer than I seemed to. And sometimes, I wonder... is this real? Am I just craving that sort of emotional connection with someone else again? But the more we spent time together, the more I realized you’re the kind of person I’ve always been looking for. And that’s what makes me so scared. I’m falling harder than I’ve fallen in so long. You came into my life at a time where I was at my lowest and picked me up faster than I ever thought I’d ever recover. Slowly, the terrible memories of her were replaced through our constant conversations, stupid banter, and opening up about our deepest insecurities.

I’m scared because I’ve started picturing what a future with you would look like... and it’s something I want. Watching kdramas and talking shit about the characters would be so much fun. Playing league and valorant and raging together would be so much fun. Having late nights where we’re up just talking and reminiscing about the past would be so much fun. But, it’s nothing we’re not already used to. And that’s the part that has me so scared. Because I don’t want to lose what we already have. I’m worried that all of the issues that bring out our deepest insecurities and issues will ruin whatever we have. But I feel like I want to give it a try. Because a future with you just sounds too good to not at least give a chance to.

falling again. and i’m so fucking scared.

I don't know if my words bring you comfort, if my shoulder is the most comfortable to cry on, or if I’m what you need next to you right now. but I’m here. I’ll always be here.