I entered into a relationship with someone after my ex from NZ cheated on me
And this person has caused even worse psychological trauma than the person who abandoned me in a foreign country did
I never realized what narcissistic emotional abuse from a partner could do to me. I have lost all of my self worth. I question my past, question if anybody in my life even liked me, and cannot interact with anybody without the trauma spilling into those relationships.
I don't eat. I don't sleep. I'm in a constant state of anxiety.
At the same time, I know I shouldn't be feeling this way because it is glaringly obvious to everybody that he is a manipulative pos. He has just fucked with my head so much to the point where I'm questioning if I'm the piece of shit for things like my car breaking down unexpectedly.
He was a serial cheater. And tried to manipulate me into thinking it wasn't cheating. It made me feel so insecure the entire time. And then he wonders why I couldn't feel comfortable around him.
He saw me as "freakish", "inhuman", "a ghost", and "an AI gf" because I am a naturally quiet person. I did try to improve upon this during our relationship, though my efforts went unnoticed. Yet, if I ever asked him to stop flirting and exchanging pics with every woman he saw on FB, that would make me a villain.
When confronted with his cheating he said "well, I didn't like living with a ghost, but we both have to make compromises, eh?" Which is just objectively insane. Comparing my quietness to him literally cheating and making me feel worthless is insane.
He refused to apologize for the cheating. He legitimately believes he did nothing wrong because "I already told you I don't consider that cheating."
He offered to lend me money multiple times, and I accepted one offer only out of desperation. He then resented me for it and held it over my head while I was paying him back on time every month. He did the same with gifts he got me.
Logically I know that a person who cares for you would offer those things out of kindness and love. Not to hold it over your head later. But he brought it up any chance he could to deflect and make me seem like the bad person. He usually did this when I brought up his cheating.
And realizing after the fact all the ways in which he manipulated me made me feel even worse. Like how could I let it happen? How can someone be so devoid of emotion? So vile to someone they claimed to care about? Someone they claimed they wanted to see happy?
No "sorry." No "that was wrong of me." I never got closure.
I think about suicide all the time. It seems like the most viable option as I see no future free from the trauma that this specific relationship has caused me.
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
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