Day Dreamer

Hello. Expect to find music, photography, poems, and off tangent rants. Enjoy this tiny piece of me.

[boxofspace]

There was a time when I would check my phone every couple of minutes

because you always had random questions or weird words to share

I remember a time when my phone would explode with facetime calls

because anytime there was a second free you would call me immediately 

Its never been this way with you, I have never reflected negatively on our past

But now whenever I do, I feel mad, I feel sad-

that our conversations now feel like a drag, 

and not the type of drag where I don’t enjoy talking to you

but the type where it feels like you don’t enjoy talking to me

I’m starting to feel unrequited 

Its hard to admit it, but there it is. I hope it can change

 I hope its just the situation

I hope I’m just being sentimental 

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baggy eyes

It's been two weeks now that I’ve spent my nights wide awake

the smiles and the casualness on my face

are genuinely fake

I am what I am, is what some say

to justify how they feel about others

unfortunately, when I say what I am

people feel bothered

I am someone's offputting version of machismo

you know that one character, usually Latino

that cuts the tension in a conversation with their opinion

or the guy that gets upset when their girlfriend goes out with other men

over and over again

The guy that overbearingly provides for their family

The guy with the unwarranted hyper-masculinity

That guy ~ the guy that society disdains

That guy is me, or at least

I am my poorly written version of machismo antiheroes

the words that stumble out of my lips stubbornly march on even when I'm wrong

Of course the veins beneath my hairy arms carry boiled blood down to my fist

when my girlfriend insists on a night out with men

that disguise their male gaze with friendly eyes

Of course women can defend themselves

Of course women can say no

Of course nothing happens unless it goes by you first

But my mind doesn't fret. To protect is a thirst

How can a boyfriend reject fighting off pestering men

I feel like predator fish that knowingly swam into a net

I want my lover to be free from my machismo possessiveness

to please her feminist obsessiveness

so now I float in open waters helpless,

 entangled, drowning like live bait

[boxofspace]

Be prepared. 

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This is my mood. Why...

I hate myself sometimes

[karina-padilla]

This is one of the reasons I’ve been feeling quite ill and just depressed/morbid the past couple of days but also for a very long time now I just never knew what to call it since it’s mainly always with my face. It would be really nice to get people that suffer with this to reply to this post with their own experience or maybe even some helpful advice because this is the first time I’ve ever really posted about it and it’s not something I’ve been able to overcome (one day I hope) This is the only article I found that focuses on the face even though I do go through this with my body sometimes, as well.

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Woah. Do I have BDD...

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where have i gone

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thoughts - update

it was her because of me

or so i believe. Regardless I feel better

last night was the worst

after sharing a few words with her

i think i got my point across, as to how i’ll go about things

got my closure, i don’t know if she got hers

yet im sure me knowing that she doesn’t know what she wants

is another way of saying its not me

and that is probably closure for her

so i guess now... its done

‘_’

[boxofspace]

thoughts - Do you take me seriously?

There’s a girl i really like

but she makes me feel really bad

I feel bad because the way she communicates with me reminds me of how my exes treated me when they started becoming my exes

Except, i’m not sure if thats the point her and i relationship is getting to... because she’s always been distance. Just more so in the last week

I hate myself for making myself vulnerable to this type of mental exhaustion 

I hate that all i can think about is how bad, how mad, i feel because of how she acts with me

In my mind, I cant stop thinking about the amount of effort i put into keeping a dialogue between us alive, as if i’m jealous that she doesn’t need to try because I’m the type of person to DO when no one is DOING

All this makes me feel like maybe she just doesn’t want to be with me. I would rather it not be that way, but I can accept that. I’ve accepted that outcome many times already. I am familiar with the emotion that comes with being let go by someone, but she’s so distance she leaves my accepting that she doesn’t want to be with me suspended in the air

I feel like I’m falling, but never moving. Paralyzed. Locked into a situation because of my optimistic energy.

I hate that I’m so fucking optimistic. I hate that I think that positive outcomes exist in every situation. 

Everything on the surface, through my mental lenses scream that she doesn’t want to be with me, yet I act like I’m deaf. 

I think “maybe I’m overthinking again and are growing obsessed with her by trying to talking to her and being interested in what she’s doing” 

I think “maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe distance is good. We are adults, we have things to do”

I wish I knew her better to understand whats going on. I wish-

I think a lot about it. In her silence, i feel great pain. Pain that is stemmed from past experiences. 

I feel a great pain because of her? Or because of me? 

[boxofspace]

Developed my first roll of film :-)

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Of all my mixes, this one means the most to me

[boxofspace]

developed my film today. Its strange to let time pass, and then hold a physical copy of the past. I’m holding this picture in my hand, and all I feel is guilt. I hurt somebody, I hurt her. I told her, and made her feel like we will be something, and I cowardly backed away because my friends and family said I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with someone outside of my country. Maybe, or maybe not. I can’t reverse what I did. This picture is a reminder of what happens when you quit. I quit on that relationship. I quit on someone special, someone genuine, someone who loved me and what I do with my life. It may have worked out in the future, it might have failed, i would never know.... because I quit. I’m sorry. I won’t quit on anything again. 

[indieteen]

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[mindnumbingmess-deactivated2022]

I like clingy girls

I like when they text me good morning or call me. Check up on me all the time. I actually don’t find that annoying. I don’t get how you couldn’t like that. Someone constantly wanting to talk to you and show you affection. I love it when someone does that. That keeps me happy and it will keep me from leaving. It shows that you are thinking about me.

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