Personal subject, but anything wordy I post tends to be. The initial shame, guilt, feeling absolutely alone in the world I know is a damn common thing and I might as well get this out there.
Earlier this month I found out that I had fallen pregnant, and knew straight up that abortion was the path I'd take. Discounting my paranoia of all the genetic bullshit I may or may not pass down in that event, I'm going to start a treatment course I cannot be pregnant during soon, I'm not financially secure, in any state of mind, or place in life, to choose motherhood. I'm not a religious person but since that shit has surrounded me since birth there were/are moments of guilt, rationality soon overshadows those however. Reminding myself that it really is just another procedure and framing the situation in a clinical light helps the most (this is literally just unwanted cell removal). It was hard to look at things that way until I properly began the process though, stage 1 of a medical termination is the taking of a pill to stop the body releasing pregnancy hormones. I was lucky to catch the situation early enough to qualify for a medical termination which consists of taking two sorts of pills 24-36 hours apart. 9 weeks gestation is the cut off for this, I was at 6. First I felt was utmost relief.
Even after it all, the feeling of having aged a decade lingers. Doesn't help that my body was still able to release enough pregnancy hormones to have an effect, my breasts are larger most noticeably - it's a rude awakening when half of your clothes stop fitting proper overnight. Bleeding like a stuck pig. Thinking that my body was gearing up to bear a child is still something I can't identify with. Maybe because of these I find myself holding back from things socially deemed more "feminine" even if I have an urge to pursue, frivolous crap like wearing jewellery or indulging with purchases of unnecessary toiletries. Like the concept of 'treating myself' or extending more effort than is base necessary to appearance is some sort of juvenile distraction. It's not like one can't have more than one interest, even if some hold more objective importance than others. That in itself is stupid because I'm not going to affect anything, anywhere, ever. I don't even have anything to be distracted from.
I'm still in the mindset of never amounting to much, which is intensified with worsening symptoms of MS. Next Monday I think I'll finally be signing consent forms for a new form of treatment, a monthly hour long infusion at my local hospital. There's been such fuckery with my doctors in that department recently which has left me (to fault of my own, too) untreated for the last... I'm not even sure anymore. Over a year, maybe. After I get settled into that routine, I don't know. I still don't have any goals. Just living, and while it breeds discontent occasionally, I'm alright with that for now.
Wanted to vent, update, and also maybe help solidify the fact that abortion is a valid choice. I hope you're all doing well.
