vent/negative blog @bpd-sayaka - Tumblr Blog

ashiibee-deactivated20191030

ok so! ! to recap: i have done absolutely nothi ng yet again for more than three months straight and i have a final exam tomorrow as well as therapy ( where i needed to have done something for it)

i am feeling myself start to panic

every sing le day so far has been just me telling myself that today is the day! today is the day im going to get my life back together and do work and yet i literally cannot even bring myself to even open a new fucking tab for the school website i literally CANNOT even fucking log in or aANYTHING

and now its just a cycle its last year all over again and i failed and im going to fail again and maybe be held back even more or longer and a n entire year has passed with no fuckign CHANGES AND ITS ALL MY FAULT I CANT FOCUS ON AYNTHING i want to work but i cant fuckign FOCUS ICANT FOCUS I CANT DO IT i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i acnt i cant i cnat

every time i try i zone out or get distracted or di tch it entirely AND AS SOON AS A NEW FUCKING PROBLEM PRESENTS ITSELF I IGNORE IT AND NOW I HAVE OV ER 100 ASSIGNMENTS DUE AGAIN AND I HAVE LEARNED NOTHING!!! HAHA

i cant even kill myself i know id jsut chicken out or do it wrong and sruvive somehow and i am so tired I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I DONT WANTT O FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE i dont care about promises or what ive endured IT DIDNT MAKE ME STRONGER I DONT CARE ITS TOO HARD I AM NEVER GOING TO FU CKING MAKE IT AND FUNCTION LIKE A NROMAL HUMAN BEING!!! ITS NOT GOIGN TO FUCKING HAPPEN I CAN T EVEN MANAGE LIFE AT FU CKING 16 YEARS OLD HOW THE FUCK AM I GOIGN TO MAKE IT TO 18 AND FURTHER

the ans wer is that i cant and i wont and i am going to find some way to do it soon because ICANT KEEP DOING THIS i literally cannot my parents arent making things any better for me and neither am i and i am sick and fucking t ired of my head and my fuckifng MENTAL ILLNESSES DOING THIS TO ME I AM TIRED OF IT I AM TIRED OF IT IM FUCKIGN!! TIRED!!!! i want a break pleasee e all i want is a fucking break i dont want responsiblities im not good at them im not smart i cant answer a single fucking quiz on even the easie st shit they hand me and i get overwhelmed at the slightest fucking thing and not t o mention im horrendous a s fuck lmfao inside and out i am literally a terrible and disgusting person who is out of her goddamn midn and i dont want to BE HERE ANYMORE I WASTN MEANT OFR THIS I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING I DONT CARE IF OTHER PEOPL E WANT ME ALIVE I DONT CARE I DONT CARE I DONT CARE I ODNT CARE I WANT TOf ucking die please i knwo im annoying i know im fuc king stupid and even this bu llshti typing style people are making fun of is out there but guess what i ltierally cant help any of that so at the very least let me die alreadyplease

i am so tiredf i feel so sick i feel so si kc I HATE THIS FEELIGN G ET IT OTUT GET ITOU T GET IT OUT GEIT IT OUT AGET IT AWAY PLEASE I AHTE THIS SO MUCH PLEASE PLEASEPL EPLASE PLEAs im os tired please leavem e alone i want everything t ostop

;

#i want to learn how to paint .. i want to have my own house .. i want to wear clothes ive never gotten to wear before #i want to learn how to animate and make music #i want to remember how to play all those instruments and learn how to skateboard and learn different languages #i want to work on games and i want to sing and know how to bake and cook and actually live with my best friend and a bunch of pets #i want to make games and make THINGS and not hate myself. i want to be proud of myself #but my depression and my mental illnesses are jsut making it so hard to even get up in the mornings #i cant do any of that right now because of my dumb fuck ing head to the point where i dont know if i am going to make it #t his is too hard this is too ahrd i know im a failure alread y there are so many more people better off than me at my age or who arent #f ailing academically and socially and literally everything else #how am i suppos ed to keep living and keep trying an dkeep holding on like everyone tells me to when i can barely manage to get out of bed #and eat and showe r and brush my teeth and just not kill myself . just keep being alive how am i supposed to just keep living like this #i hate it i ha te myself so much i hate it i hate it i hate it #t hey know im a failure and theyve tried every method in the book and nothing has helped me #this week was my one ch ance to catch up and even though its not over there is #too lit tle time left and i have done absolute ly nothing like the fucking moron i am #i can barely even procrastinate all i do is just r ot and stare at this dumb screen #i hate my selffl i hate this s so mcuhc therapy isnt workin g m edicine didnt work pets didnt work reinforcement didnt work #no thing worked and no thing will work so what is the fukcing point anymore jesus christ

goood to know my parents dont even WCARE ABOUT UNDERSTANDNG

hon estly im surprised i haven t fucking killed myself yet!!!!!!!! I AM TRYINYG PL EASE LEAVE ME ALONE N IAM TRYING AND ITS HARD TO GET OUT OF BED MOST OF THE ITME AND I HAVETN KILLED MY SELF LIKE EVERYONE WANTED SO W HERE IS MY GOLD F UKCING MEDAL HON ESTLY

WHYJ WONT YOU BELEIVEM E I M TRYING IM TRYING IMT TRINYG IM TRYING NOT TO KILL YMSLEF LIKE EVEROYNE WANTES BUTWHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! N OTHIGN IS GETTING EBTTER AND EVERYTHING ISJ UST RPEATING I A MS OS ICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF LIVING I WANT T OK I LLYM SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO K ILL MYSELF BUT THEREI S NO OW AY FOR ME TO FUCKING DO IT AN DDI AM LOSTING MY FUCMKJING MIND I HATE THIS I HAITHEI HTEIHJTIANAANANAN

outcastsuggestion

SOMEONE PLEASE LOVE ME

outcastsuggestion

give me a sign show me that you care tell me that you love me im so fucking desperate

ok .. but no on e actualyl cares baout me lol??/ wjhy are you all pretending

#me @ 2:29: wow life is great! i love livinvg! everythign is fine and all of my friends like me as a perso #me @ 2:30: lol no one likesm e and i want to die #whwhyhwiannFJDOOESTHWY DOES NO ONE CARE BAOUT ME WHY DOES NO ONEL IEK ME I LIKE YOU IW ANT YOU TO FU CFKING LIKE ME I WANT TO BE LOVED

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNN O T DO HOLYSJITTIit IHATE YOU

a lright bit ch u can sh tu tuthe uflkfc up

hey i didint fuckgin fchosoe this godfdman VOICE OK AY OKAY STEPP TEH FUCKGIN HELL OFF LEAVEM E AL(ONE I IDINT CHOOSE IT

ignoredsuggestion

all I am to you is a burden

ignoredsuggestion

I’ve gotten so used to things going wrong that I ruin everything I touch

stop bitching about it STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT

YOU THINK YOUVE HAD A ROUGH FUCKIGN TIME??? I HAD THE WORST BREAKDOWN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AT 9 IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND I SCREAMED AT MY MOTHER AND SHE SCREAMED AT ME AND TOLD ME I WAS A FUCKING FIALURE FOR TALKLING TO THE BOYFRIEND YOURE BTICHING ABOTU AND THAT IM GOING TO BE STUCK IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER FOR THER ESTOF MY LFIE AND THAT IWAS PATHETIC

SORRY YOUT R ROLEPLAY DIDNT GO AS PLANEND DUMBASS I FELEL SHITTY AND I HAVE BE EN SINCE YOU AND RIELY WERE FUCKING BIEING PISSY ABOUT IT HE HAST HEFUCKING PLAGUE ITS IC QUIT BEING AN ANNYOING MOTHerfFUCKER AND TAKE IT

i-wished--for-death

#.png

i swear to god i swear to god i fi ts one of them again

i know for a fact it has to fucking do with sophia and mex or something i DONT WANT ANYMORE OF THIS i don tnt want anymore i dont want wanymor i DOTNT WANT TOT DOD THIS I WANT TOHLPE BUT I DONT WANT TO DO THIS

m yan xiety is fucking out of contorl and my fcace feels hot and im typing too fst but hh o ylsthi i dont want tot oi dont want ot i dont ant to

my favorite person is going to be gone the entire day as well nd i raell yrelaly RELALYL REALLY REALLY Real ly dont know i fi can handle this without them i want to cry and i ts 1:05 in the mor ning fmG F

#.txt

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