Jupiter Ascending

Headcanons, fictions, bad jokes Run by wibbly-wobbly-who-has-the-time

[writerxwren]

Jupiter Ascending is the movie of all time because it's visually stunning, has a phenomenal soundtrack composed by the legendary Michael Giacchino and inspired by Gustav Holst's The Planets, has some of the most gorgeous costume designs in the history of anything ever, and uses the space opera concept to criticize the evils of unchecked capitalist greed. But in the same breath it also involves Mila Kunis falling in love with a dog/man/bird? supersoldier hybrid played by Channing Tatum in a goatee, Sean Bean as another supersoldier who is literally part bee, Mila Kunis controlling bees through the power of the divine right of kings or something, a random elephant pilot who has no dialogue and just makes elephant noises during his limited screentime, Mila Kunis selling her eggs to buy a telescope, the Russian mafia???? murdering Jarvis for no reason, a political advisor who looks like an owl, bitchy rich kids in space who are basically the Volturi but like if the Volturi were smart and actually used their power and immortality to build an almost unstoppable corporate empire the likes of which even Jeff Bezos would be afraid of, the ATLA/23andMe crossover nobody asked for, and Eddie Redmayne giving the performance of a lifetime that has yet to be matched by anybody else because of its unique blend of "teacher's pet theatre kid who took the concept of strong choices in the wrong direction but has never been told no" and award-winning Shakespearean actor

[mcpayne]

oh my god finally someone else who gets it

[moonrise-rebel]

THIS!!!

[lucy-moderatz]

Once you were married he was going to murder you. He told me right before he threw me out the airlock.

[the-promise-has-been-made]

Recently learned that apparently the budget for Jupiter Ascending was halved in the middle of development and that the original vision apparently couldn't be realized because of it and like... what could they have done with the full budget?! What would that film even have looked like?? What did we miss out on?? Also, Mila Kunis knew from the start it would flop but still stuck with it, and Eddie Redmayne got a razzie for it but said he's never had as much freedom with a preformance and it was 'freeing' (and like honestly his performance was fantastic, I LOVE him as this over the top melodramatic messy bitch). Like my GOSH this film is a phenomenon and I want to live in the version of reality where they DID have the full budget and we get to go on THAT trip. Honestly the world was just not ready for Jupiter Ascending and it still is not ready it seems and I am sad about it.

[poebrey]

astrology baby.....the struggle of the lower class......dead dad instead of dead mom.......being a literal alien......princess wish fulfillment via bees.....space dmv........mommy complex......."i love dogs"......the whisper yelling.........gugu......it hit all the notes

[potatoesandsunshine]

your introduction to the 'nice' one of the three villainous siblings is her bathing in the equivalent of the blood of a million people. and she is also way too into jupiter. what a MOVIE

[feilongfan]

Caine’s gloves

[bobbybabyrobertdarling]

Kalique: Are you okay?

Balem: Mostly, except I have this headache that comes and goes.

*Titus and/or Jupiter walks in*

Balem: Ah, there it is again.

[ditzydiitsi]

obsessed w jupiter ascending because the most elaborate and nuanced deconstruction of capitalism i have ever seen in modern media is literally just a backdrop for whatever the hell was going on with channing tatum for 90 minutes

[andromeda3116]

this review of jupiter ascending legitimately almost made me choke on my dinner and die

[andromeda3116]

okay but some of the ideas in jupiter ascending are literally so galaxy-brained? like, the concept that capitalism taken to its utmost extreme would result in a "superior" (read: ultra-wealthy) class exploiting whole planets of people for their own gain? the way that the three siblings play off each other, when you're ultimately left like "shit man at least balem fucking told her he wanted her dead even though he had some seriously fucked-up emotions regarding his dead mother like holy shit can you say oedipus complex my god". but the sister is like, "the ultimate resource, the only one that matters, is more time" and that's a profound concept and also again so horrifically accurate and dystopian because she's literally stealing time from not just people but whole planets' worth of people, and has been for thousands of years, they've grown them for this purpose and of course that would be elon musk's fucking wet dream, to be able to buy himself more time, and while i don't think he or anyone else would just like. immediately jump to "kill whole planets for it" i also think that if he felt like that was the only way, he would be like "it's the Greater Good. i have Unlocked Immortality For The Human Race" and be totally blind to the fact that it was only for the rich ones, on the backs of everyone else. and yet she's still nice? just because you're a genocidal self-serving ultra-capitalist immortal monster doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it. which is so. how the human condition works?

and yet this movie also has "bees can sense royalty" and whatever the fuck was going on with channing tatum's character and a wooden (yet somehow refreshingly horny*) love story and an exhaustingly-long chase scene that could have been thirty seconds and the Great Disappearing Sean Bean Daughter and

like it's somehow simultaneously "terrible idea, flawless execution" and "flawless idea, terrible execution"

(*in contrast to the "everyone is beautiful, no one is horny" trope, channing tatum looks like a snack and by god is mila kunis ready to eat him)

[pieklalat]

everyone needs to watch this movie

[variousqueerthings]

the shame and cringiness in the jupiter ascending letterboxd, with people “admitting” they liked it and then giving it 2 stars, as if it’s not solidly doing exactly what it ought to and giving all of these people a good time

as if letterboxd is a place where you can only rate the objectively best movies highly and you don’t have a million b-z-movies that have been given 4 stars unironically by fond viewers (such as myself) 

let yourselves say that you were moved dammit! what are you trying to prove here, that this movie doesn’t deserve your affection? if you’ve seen it 3+ times and intend to do so again, then maybe you like the movie!

[laufire]

JUPITER ASCENDING (2015)

[Caption: large gifs from the aforementioned film. Jupiter states that, even if she doesn’t seal the electronic document Balem handed her while threatening her and her family’s lives, he can’t touch the Earth even if he kills her. He claims the Earth belongs to him, that it is his right; Jupiter removes her arm, refusing to use her seal, looks him in the eye and says “Not anymore.” Balem says she has no idea of what she’s doing, threatening, and Jupiter replies, “I’m making sure that whatever you do to me and my family, you’re not able to do to anyone else’s.”]

[new52s]

JUPITER ASCENDING (2015) dir. Lilly Wachowski, Lana Wachowski + Letterboxd Reviews

[fantasysource]

Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones Jupiter Ascending (2015) dir. Lana & Lilly Wachowski

[talesfromthecrypts]

In your world, people are used to fighting for resources… like oil, or minerals, or land. But when you have access to the vastness of space, you realize there’s only one resource worth fighting over… even killing for: More time. Time is the single most precious commodity in the universe. 

Jupiter Ascending (2015) dir. Lana & Lilly Wachowski

[moondaiz]

i know it was more like he hated an Entitled so much he went into a rage blackout, and not that he was genetically coded to attack them on sight (or maybe… he was?) but when Caine was explaining that he ripped out someone’s throat seemingly because they were an Entitled (i’m sure there was more to it but it’s never expanded upon) literally all i could think of was this