I don’t know if I’m lying or living a lie

I'll paint my face with blood and dirt The chain has broken, I've no right to feel this hurt   fe3h oc

[brazenful]

rushifaas·:

a sigh, running fingers through her hair. “never said i wanted to be your parent, just a helpful friend.” her voice was harboring an annoyed tone despite her gentle demure. “well it’s a big deal to me, so if you don’t mind – which i don’t care if you do – join me in the greenhouse.”

     At least she wasn’t insisting to know the details. He’d rather follow her around than have to sit and explain to her the cause for his attitude. “Fine. As long as we don’t go to the cathedral I don’t care where you drag me.” He answered, already starting to walk off to the greenhouse.

[brazenful]

rushifaas·:

“and yes, your angry tone hints that you went through something that pissed you off.” she sighs, rubbing her temples. “ivy, what is bothering you or should i just keep an eye on you so you won’t do something stupid.”

     He could’ve sworn he was a better liar than this. “I don’t need you to watch over me, I’m not a child.” He said crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s not a big deal, really---” Even he felt stupid saying that considering both him and little sister looked less then optimal. 

[rushifaas-a]

brazenful replied to your post: “oh dear. seems both siblings are upsetti.”

“Upset? Who’s upset?”

“says the one with stomping feet and angry huffs.”

[brazenful]

     “I am NOT stomping. Plus, the mumbling is normal.” That might have been true, but he was clearly taking an angry tone when he did it. 

[brazenful]

     He’s stomping around muttering to himself today. Obviously, something was wrong.

[kafk-a]

Sarah Kane, from 4.48 Psychosis

[lilium-tenebris]

I Wake Up Afraid

[brazenful]

lillium-tenebris·:

Right ‘everyone’. She chose to keep to herself that no, she did not quite mean that and in fact there were some people that might not deserve life. That was a dark opinion best kept to herself for the time being regardless of how open they were being at the moment. She opted to not address it, if she tried to smooth it over she’d just draw attention to the fact that she was lying.

Besides, he seemed content to move on. It was strange only a few moments ago she had been pressed against the wall in fear but now she was slowly moving across the room. With the long dress she wore if you didn’t watch for her feet she’d look like she was almost gliding. She found an edge of a wall closer to him to lean on and tilted her head. Yes she supposed if all one was taught to do was fight then…what else was there? She had found her meaning in helping her old friends and schoolmates achieve their goals, but, she did so out of love for them not any attachment to their goals. So when those goals were met she too was facing a bit of ‘then what’ syndrome.

“That’s a good question since, I have no idea. Square one? It might be the same for me too, I could go back to where I was raised but, that place is just a burnt out fort and really I have no desire to return. I think it doesn’t matter where I go I just- want to make someone else happy I think…that would give me a real place to belong and I could stop feeling like my days of usefulness were limited. The way you just looked at that weapon I can tell, you’re not sure what use you’ll be outside of combat, when there is no ‘cause’ left to fight for. Or did I assume too much?”

     He raised his eyebrows at her speculation wishing he could lie to her about it, but lying did no good in situations like this. “No, you’re right. I’ve thought about it before--- what would I fight for when the war is over?” He paused to peer at her, he noticed she had moved closer to him. She really did remind him of a guarded stay cat or something, the more he convinced her he had nothing to hide the more she stalked her way over.       “I think when it’s all said and done I need to go home, first.” He nodded to himself. “I have people back home that I actually care for, and before anything else I’d be worried about them.” He looked off into the distance for a moment as if he as trying to find the people he has just mentioned standing before him on the training grounds. 

     “I’d like to keep myself useful after that, but I’m not a great knight and I people rarely trust me as is. Without my knight status I feel like I’ll just turn into a mercenary that seeps into my shadow only to become some sad tavern story.” He shrugged. “But, it seems like we are about the same in how far we’ve planned. Very little.” Vanya once again brought himself back to reality, stabbing the spear into the ground as if he was rejecting it. He could tell her cause to fight in the war was about as flimsy as his, so he wondered why neither of them ha any plans once they were free. 

[lilium-tenebris]

I Wake Up Afraid

[brazenful]

lillium-tenebris·:

The mention of drinking away problems very quickly reminded her of another friend of hers yet, it only illuminated the weight of those demons for her. So he was another one, like her caught in the wrath and winds of Fodlan’s terrible nature he just didn’t seem it on the surface. Yet, surfaces were deceiving, she couldn’t help but look around a second as if someone would come bursting in to do just that, hang him up, Yet it did not come, they were alone.

“Is that so? The more I hear about these ‘fathers’ the more increasingly glad I am I do not have such a thing. If it weren’t for the people who had treated me kindly all those years ago I wouldn’t still be here either.”

“While I can technically understand your sentiment, I don’t think you should die, I don’t think anyone else should be punished for the problems this place and HER people create. I don’t know her as well as I’d like to, but, there’s nothing wrong with Sanya she’s a person, you’re a person and-” she took a deep breath and took some of his earlier advice, she had to believe it first right?

“I’M a person. This place locks people away puts them in cages that don’t even make any sense. I hope the professor can change it but, at the same time, after the war I think…I won’t ever come back to Gareg Mach.”

     He laughed at her comment about father’s, finding some kind of solace in her lack of knowledge.  Listening to her speak calmed whatever had started to blaze inside of him, there was something convincing in her voice. He finally turned all the way to face her, feeling like it would be okay to hold some kind of eye contact with her.       “It’s almost sweet of you.” He started, a rather sly smile on his lips, “but I’m sure your statement about me not dying goes for everyone, right? Well, regardless you’re right we are all just people, no matter what’s underneath our skin --- not matter what we’re hiding or battling, we are just people.”       He thought for a moment about what life would be like after the war, after everything was said and done would he really have anything left to fight for? “Peace is ... daunting.” He muttered staring at the lance in his hand. How many people had he stuck down in the name of peace? “I don’t think some of us even want to war to end, it would just put us back at square one.” And how terrible it was to feel that way, he thought to himself still gazing at the other.       “So then, where will you go? What will you do once it’s all over?” 

[brazenful]

MUSE  PLAYLIST.

post 3-5 songs that remind you of your muse. rules: repost,   don’t   reblog.

01.   BULLY FOR YOU - HOTEL MIRA  —   Bully for you baby girl / Brought into a dying world / Run and tell the next of kin / The baby’s bedroom’s blanket's pink / So She’ll politely overcome / And softly sweetly talk some sense / If only Anne could bear a son / Then maybe she’d still have a head

02.   SHOTGUN - SPOON  —   How many times did you come back and quit? / How many times were you not feeling it? / Calling for blood with your battle song / I'd rather not, got my own thing on / I never wanted to take it outside / You're the one that had to go bring that fight / Oh, you're the one that brought a shotgun

03.  OUTRUNNING KARMA - ALEC BENJAMIN —   He's never gonna make it / All the poor people he's forsaken / Karma is always gonna chase him for his lies / It's just a game of waiting / From the church steeple down to Satan / Karma, there's really no escape until he dies

04.    PARTIES ARE FOR LOSERS - FERRY  —    The loser looks in the eyes of the monster / The room is caving in it’s okay, it’s okay, I say / And just like that, it turns into a girl, hey / A friendly baseball bat comes to save the day Eternal rest never seemed to be closer / Than in that passing moment, but quickly my fear was gone /  A lapse of reason, I figure, can be pretty fun and so the party goes on and on

05.   CAN’T GO TO HELL - SIN SHAKE SIN  —     It's no mystery, what can I say, we're blind by design / And history keeps getting paid to change it's mind / Some wounds will never mend / Divided by deception, but together we must rise / Deafened by the naive while we silence the wise

tagged by: tagged by the love of my life ( @timidful​ ) tagging: anyone who wants to

[lilium-tenebris]

I Wake Up Afraid

[brazenful]

lillium-tenebris·:

Was he laughing at her? Part of her felt like maybe she should take offense to that but, she couldn’t bring herself to. The woman failed to see what he could find so funny yet she laughed quietly for a moment along with him in spite of herself shaking her head. His opinions about Rhea flowed freely as well, in this space without her it really was becoming clear that she was not the only one holding her tongue to avoid the burning gaze of the light.

“People die for saying things like that Vanya. Which is sad, because they are absolutely true.” the man kept swinging his lance as though what he had said hadn’t held the weight it did, she admired that in a way. She LIKED those words though, dangerous as they were, that opinion it resonated somewhere deep inside of her, with a part of herself that was completely her own locked away from the churches eyes.

“Do you have them too? Demons you fight against definition from?”

     He turned his head to look at her out of the side of his eye, shocked that she so openly announced that. “If they want to hang me up for speaking my mind than so be it.” He said rather bluntly, even if everything he had said in the space hadn’t been blunt. This time, though, there was something blazing behind his eyes as if he was challenging someone to try it then and there. 

     “Of course I do, but I fight very halfheartedly. I go to bed every night hoping I don’t wake up the next. I’m no warrior in that aspect, and honestly I’m being a hypocrite.” He couldn’t help but let out a heavy sigh. “If I could pray myself better, I would have along time ago. I wouldn’t have a father who tries to convince me to kill my little sister, I wouldn’t drink away my problems, and I certainly wouldn’t be a knight for the church.” He understood just how much information he was divulging to her, but he figured the more he told her about himself the more she might trust him. 

[brazenful]

     “What I see right there is a prisoner who’s sitting on top of the key. So, kick it up a notch if you ever wanna be free.”

@timidful​ // It’s the human thing to do. 

[timidful]

         What   was   he   trying   to   do   ,   with   that   devious   look   on   his   face   ?   Her eyes darted around taking it all in , filled to the brim with trinkets she had never seen before and potions that changed colors rapidly , glowing in the dimly lit room . Small sounds were tinkling in the distance as she listened closer she could hear soft whispers of agreement with the man standing tall and proud in front of her . A hand outstretched in front of her face , inviting her to give in and give up , to enter a world she was not apart of .            She had come and spilled her secrets to him , under the rumors that if she did he would help her — he would save her . He listened to her too , he sat watching her intently and heard everything she told him , including the non-verbal cues that he was listening . Something only so few people had ever done for her. After she told him her story , he did offer her exactly what she wanted — to be human . The only thing she had wanted since she was born , since she was shunned all her life for being part dragon . Now that it was right there in front of her she couldn’t help but hesitate.    (   What was the catch ? What was he going to take from her to give her the world ? What was in it for him ?   )    all the thoughts started to outweigh she need for her wish —

                    ‘ it’s the human thing to do. ’

          She froze where she was sitting , her eyes slowly rising to meet with his . Chilling were flying through her body , as if she was freezing , but the sun was shining in through the open windows on them . They were glowing , his hand casting a shadow on the room , on her . Wide eyes illuminated by the suns rays catching her face . Her mouth was hanging openly slightly , she felt as if she was in a trance as those whispers started to get louder and louder like a drum pounding in her ears and in her mind . The sweet smell of victory was wafting in the air , she didn’t even know how to descried the perfume but it was so inciting . Every nerve in her body was screaming for her to get up and SHAKE HIS HAND ,  before she knew it she was standing on her feet . The sudden motion knocking the chair out from behind her as she grasped his hand in her own. 

         ‘ Who am I to refuse ?! ’

[brazenful]

vibe check! hits you with a bat.

[lilium-tenebris]

I Wake Up Afraid

[brazenful]

lillium-tenebris·:

Lillian tensed again when he picked up a weapon, she couldn’t HELP it, the glint of light and she felt the arcane charging in her hands. Though she dismissed the spell before it so much as sparked reminding herself of what she’d JUST told herself, not to mention what the ginger haired man was saying. His tone was calm, it didn’t feel aggressive and she at least couldn’t sense any veiled meaning. The woman took one slow breath closing her eyes then opened them.

Lillian was eternally grateful he wasn’t staring at her while she pulled herself together, she hated it when people stared.

“I never thought about it like that but, you’re right. I guess I got so wrapped up in how people look at me…that I didn’t consider how I was looking BACK at them.” How hypocritical of her, and she hadn’t even thought about it…being a knight in the end in many cases was just a job wasn’t it? Not everyone was like say Catherine or Seteth were they? It just was hard to remember at times. 

It didn’t define her? Did he believe that? It sounded too good to be true to her…

“I hope you’re right about that.”

     He wasn’t paying any attention to the actual training at this point, much more interested in the woman standing on the other side of the room. His attitude helped him appear nonchalant still, as if he was only speaking to her because she was there. “Well, it’s not like I’m telling you that you have to change how you view the world or anything.” He smiled at her serious expression, not even hiding his laughter. Once she muttered those last words though, he started to wonder just how much he had heard about her was actually true. After living with his sister he barely flinched at stories like her’s, but it did still make him curious, he was human in nature.  

     “If you don’t believe it then no one else will!” He offered, not entirely sure what he was saying at this point. “You have to believe that you are more than your demons, and more than what some holy woman sees. I mean, we are all imperfect beings and no matter how hard you pray or repent or pretend it’s not going to change.” He stopped as he thought about his own words, and then tried to lighten up how heavy the tone had become by starting to train, at least it would draw attention from the weird stuff he had just spouted.

[timidful]

@brazenful​ // dragon time 

           ‘ Throw me around , I’m gonna get it , I’ll get it. ’ Heaving breathes as if she was going to be sick . She tried to contain something that would not be caged , her body was much too disproportionate to the beast that waited under her skin .  ‘ Do it again . This time I’ll get it . ’ 

[brazenful]

     He took a few steps away from his sister watching her heave doubled over. “I don’t think it’s a smart idea to keep going like this.” He rested the weapon in his hand, kneeling down next to her. “I know you think this is going to help, but you can’t get better if you’re going to be dead by the end of it.”

[lilium-tenebris]

I Wake Up Afraid

[brazenful]

lillium-tenebris·:

Lillian was GOING to claw a hole in the wall behind her, she made him mad already perfect, excellent, exactly what she wanted. Still his reaction was…not what she expected, he spoke about the whole thing after correcting her on how to address him in a bit of a…detached seeming way?

What’s more…Rhea? There was not a knight in the service that did not call her ‘LADY’ Rhea and kiss the ground she walked on after Jeralt’s passing. Or at least, that was what Lillian had thought until exactly this moment. Her grasping and clawing at the wall behind her lessened and she looked back at the young man a bit…perplexed now some of the fear being shoved away by the new expression. She was acting like a frightened child and she knew it, Rhea was not even HERE she was far away and long gone but the Knights were still…

“I didn’t, I- never said you were.” but, she didn’t have to say it did she? Look at her pressed against the wall like he actually had a weapon to her throat when he was just standing there on the other side of the room, existing.

“Maybe I got carried away. I do that sometimes it’s a force of habit, I’m sorry, Vanya.” she made a point to make obvious pronunciation of her correction to his name. Not to be dramatic or sarcastic, but as a means of making obvious she had heard and taken note of his preference in address.

     He placed his hands on his hips eyeing her up and down as discreetly as he could. He was glad she seemed a little less terrified of him, and it made actually getting to training a little easier. As he walked over to the weapon stand with the lances sticking in it, he looked over at her. “No, you didn’t say I was but I’m sure you realize just how much you looked like a trapped rabbit when I walked in here.”      Picking up a lance he tossed it up and down in his hands as if testing how it felt and then put it back. He avoided her eyes figuring it might make her more comfortable, most of what he was doing was also how he approached his own sister when she was upset. 

     “Don’t worry over it too much, there’s very little you can do to upset me.” He glanced up for a moment, with a shrug of his shoulders and a laugh. “I’ve been a knight too long, people will always think things about me that aren’t true. I’m sure it’s the same for you, people probably have a myriad of things they assume about you. True or not they don’t even define you, though.”       He thought about offering her to train with him seeing as she was on the training grounds but she was a magic user and he didn’t exactly want his ass to be kicked by the girl that just acted as though he was going to slaughter her with a single look. Plus, the idea of sparring after that was probably not the best one he’s ever had. 

[brazenful]

@dualcrests​​ said:‘ dreaming is so painful and i wish i would stop ’

     He didn’t want to admit but her words gave him some kind of strange, and selfish solace. It was common for the new generation to be plagued by nightmares, in sleep state or awake it seemed as if everyone he knew was being dragged down by ghosts. His little sister was the worst case he had seen so far, but he could only imagine how hard it was for the girl with rumors of two crests to sleep at night.       Vanya wasn’t the type to go quiet as he usually was talking for two people, but it was hard to find the right words to say to the young girl.  “If we stopped doing what was painful, we soon would be finding everything painful.” He formed his words out carefully. “I’ve heard there are teas you can make that can quell those kinds of things. I used to make them for my sister all the time, if you want me to---” He shrugged, the offer felt kind of strange but the big brother in him just wanted to help her. 

prompt //  Someone's always gotta be sweeping up fallen dreams

[brazenful]

its okay lillian if i saw vanya walk into a room my first reaction would be to run away too 

[lilium-tenebris]

I Wake Up Afraid

@brazenful​  liked  ❀ for a starter!

When she saw him, her back hit the wall of the training ground, she disliked being alone with ANYONE associated with the knights even now. Lillian fully believed that despite her agreeing to help the Kingdom and by proxy them they did not trust her. Had it not been for those she cared about, she would NEVER have chosen to continue this life of walking on egg shells.

Vanya wasn’t a ‘TYPICAL’ knight of Seiros per-say but, he was one none the less and that was the cause of this primal fear she felt. What did he want? Did Seteth send him? What was it now?

“Oh are you here to use the training ground Sir Lebedinsky, oh goodness look at me taking up so much room I should just get out of the way. If you’ll excuse me I’ll just go anywhere ah I mean SOMEWHERE else.” while she was a master of lying through omission Lillian was not skilled at lying to people’s faces so hiding her obvious fear reaction was not really something she possessed much skill for. Taking up room was a terrible lie for a woman who just BARELY had passed 5 feet but she wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.

She knew he was related to Sanya which was good but, she also knew he was a Knight of Seiros which, in her mind, was very, VERY bad.

[brazenful]

     The second he realized who was on the training grounds he knew he was in for a much more tiring session than he initially thought. He knew Lillian in passing and had heard random rumors about her, usually he kept his mind open especially after hearing things people said about his sister. He couldn’t deny her behavior did seem like she was hiding something. Or, maybe it was true that she was scared of the knights? He wouldn’t fault her for it, even as a knight he barely trusted the others to watch his back. 

      He winced at her words shocked she used his last name to refer to him. “Vanya is fine, and you can drop the ‘sir’.” He started but she started to ramble even more, he listened to her watching her erratic movements. There was no doubt she was uncomfortable around him. “If you want to go I’m not going to stop you, but I’m only here to waste some time. I’m not some evil spy for Rhea, if it makes you feel any better.”