[brcakablc-mind]

You know what's real fuckin' great?

I don't even feel like it'd be worthwhile to even mention to some of the people who I thought were my friends about today, and about my sister.

I feel like I'd just get ignored, or worse, that someone will make a fucking joke, and if someone does then I might actually lose my shit entirely.

[brcakablc-mind]

So I think what I really need to do is stop talking to these people because like. Seeing any of them talk just... makes me so fucking angry and bitter and I don't really even know what to do with myself.

I just. Hate seeing them talk when I feel like no one actually listens to me or takes me seriously or would even care about what I have to say and I guess I'm jealous?

Like, wow, you can talk about yourself -- or talk at all -- without the fear of just being straightup ignored if you aren't mocked for it, ain't that nice?

And I've been just. Unfathomably pissed off.

[brcakablc-mind]

Y'all ever ruminate on things and realize new, exciting ways people have been Not The Best to you? And in fact imply pretty fucked up things about you?

And you have no fucking clue how to tactfully go "please don't do that"?

[brcakablc-mind]

I'm too embarrassed to actually say this anywhere else and honestly the idea of whining to Wolfwood is just as embarrassing.

Losing my shit for like 24+ hours has made me so fucking hungry I have not been able to eat enough today in between my bouts of being super pissed off and my body kinda... not deciding how plant or human it wants to be right now!

[brcakablc-mind]

I'm doing... not great, but I'm feeling a little better.

I talked to Wolfwood a bit and was honest that I'm not doing all that great and feeling/doing worse. I'm still kinda wounded by some other people, but.

It's nice to be able to remind myself that he loves me and that he'll listen to me and pay attention to me unconditionally and makes an effort to make sure I feel seen and understood.

And that... he's willing to help me through this shit.

It's a relief. A huge relief.

[brcakablc-mind]

Cannot stress enough just. How off I feel. Kinda... really bothered by feeling ignored by some of the people I talk to fairly regularly and... I mean. Shit. I don't even like some of those people but it still stings.

Three times in a singular night. Over a 3 hour period.

I'm... really tired.

[brcakablc-mind]

Super fuckin' regret gettin' weird today and going "I didn't do anything to Earn actually eating". On the one hand I still feel like my body is kind of spoiled because it used to be... easier.

On the other hand.

...forgot what I was gonna say honestly. Going to eat before I try to call it a night though because. I would like to actually sleep.

[brcakablc-mind]

Oh yeah you wanna know what I'm still pretty pissed about.

Yesterday I briefly mentioned in a stream that I got my arm cut off. I was trying to contribute to talking about a movie we were watching that I was really struggling to pay attention to but I was trying, right?

And I realize maybe it came out kind of weird so I try to explain why I brought it up.

Anyway after that this lady was like, "Sorry that happened to you."

And I'm just like. Cool. Okay. Second time in a row this week that you've spoken to me in a way I really don't care for. Almost don't wanna talk to you ever again. Certainly not going to talk about myself around you ever again.

I mean-- ugh, I don't know what kind of response I wanted, I feel self-centered being annoyed over it, I guess I wanted somewhat more of a response than "sorry that happened to you".

[brcakablc-mind]

I'm doing a little better but I'm still... frustrated.

Like. Yeah. I'm sorry I hurt you by saying that having friends doesn't mean they'll stick around.

You know what hurts just about as bad?

Gettin' tied to the back of a truck that someone's drivin' and gettin' kicked around and shot at and then told to face my death with dignity and smile for them.

After rescuing someone who I kinda saw as like a daughter.

[brcakablc-mind]

I'm just so fucking tired of people acting like they know me when honestly? There's a lot of shit I don't tell people! Sure, I'm an open book, but you should ASK first.

[brcakablc-mind]

I'm trying so hard to not get mad but there's a part of me that's just like... fuck you. I had a town that liked me well enough until after I saved a girl I saw as like a daughter, despite how fucked up my situation was, and after that when everyone figured out who I was...

They tied me up, bound my arms, tied me to the back of a truck and started driving. Kicked me around, shot at me, told me to stop my crying and smile for them.

I don't know.

Fuck you.

[brcakablc-mind]

"Unlike you, I don't have as many friends as you do. In fact, I have no one. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, or compare us, or to say that [getting therapy] is impossible, just stating the facts."

Cool. Cool. Cool. I don't know. I feel worse trying to suggest seeking help or therapy or something.

I'm just.

I don't know. I didn't really have that many friends until recently, definitely not many that... actually stuck with me and didn't fear me.

[brcakablc-mind]

I don't know if I should even say this or if I even want to. I don't know. I don't want to bother people with my shit, you know? I'm just... starting to feel worse again and on the one hand I almost want to talk but I mean.

I just.

The idea freaks me out. What would I even say? I don't want to upset anyone. I just

Feel disconnected again on top of a lot of things.

And I can't even distract myself the same way I usually would because "when's the last time you ever took time for yourself and rested" and "you don't have to earn your stay, you're good as you are" and I'm not allowed to throw myself into some kind of being useful like I normally would and I'm trying so fucking hard to be normal and okay.

I don't want to be too much. I kinda feel like sobbing but I don't want to be too much.

I'm... gonna go sleep.

[brcakablc-mind]

Gonna try to sleep but. Not sure if I'll be able to without something going wrong and it doesn't help that my mood has been... really all over the place.

I know it's not big enough to put here but. I guess I still want to look normal somewhere.

[starswxllower]

Vash, you don’t need to apologize, for any of this! You didn’t drop this on me, I was the one who reached out to you, yeah?? I’m sorry that others have made you feel as though you have to try and ignore your own feelings to be acceptable to others. N I’m sorry that you had to carry this while also being expected to read others minds and cater to that. That’s not fair, either.

I know a thing or two about being messy and scary and angry, myself. I’ve learned that you can’t really get rid of that shadow, no matter where you go. You kinda…. Gotta make room for it. It’s hard, and it’s gonna be messy for a while still but… how well has trying to swallow this gone so far? Has to be worth a shot, right?

… you should eat, too. Can I bring you something? What do you eat?

[brcakablc-mind]

Ah, thank you... I just. I don't think I have to read their minds, really, but... I feel a lot safer if I can figure out their patterns? Does that make sense? It... kinda physically hurts to keep all this shit in but like. Shit. I can't even get mad at people for talking about wasting food in front of me when I have... persistent issues. I got kinda annoyed once and this gal made a big deal of eating a raw exploded egg and how she kept getting shell in her mouth and I was just... okay, now know I shouldn't say anything if you talk about wasting food in front of me...

And I would've explained why I was bothered but like. I know that if I had, it would've just been a huge mess, and it just... isn't worth the energy. Like she SAYS I can tell her if she does something that upsets me, but I know she isn't SAFE to tell that sort of thing to.

'n if I try to complain to some other people I get told to not do that and I mean... I know it... sucks to hear it about a friend but it's still. Kinda suffocating.

It's... I'm going to be honest, I think it was a lot easier the past century when it was just me and myself and I didn't really have anyone to say these things to. I just... I dunno. I gotta think, I guess.

Oh, uh... I have stuff on the bus, but... I don't mind. I'm not really picky? But you probably want, a more detailed answer than that. I probably shouldn't have like, just something sweet, I should probably have something more substantial. I'd be down to try something you think is good?

Oh. I should probably say I'm not like, bothered by anything, I can eat just about whatever a human can?

[starswxllower]

I just. I know we don’t talk much, but I see you hold yourself to such an insanely high standard all the time, and I don’t think it’s fair. You deserve the space to honor your feelings, even if they’re messy or unpleasant

Listen I might be biased, but hermitting for a little while can be really good for you,get comfortable with your emotions, explore them a little more as your waters settle…. That sorta thing

And get some sleep!!!

[brcakablc-mind]

Yeah, I'm real sorry about that... I guess I never considered it a very high standard? I dunno. I know I can be pretty scary when I'm pissed off, and I know that being unpleasant doesn't really do much of anything, so it just... I dunno.

I might have to. I've just been getting more stressed and bothered meeting people I don't know and don't know how to read, or talking to people I already kind of know but know that if I try to be honest about how I feel I'll just cause a breakdown and I'll just... regret saying anything at all.

It's kind of dumb but I'm really startin' to prefer the kind of people who I know will just shoot me if I upset them over anything else. I mean I'd like to be listened to if I upset them or they upset me, but if that's not an option I'd just rather get shot and have the whole thing over with, you know?

I'll definitely try to get more sleep later today, I... maybe only slept for like... I dunno, a handful of hours? Let's just say I basically didn't sleep even though I took sleeping pills.

...ahhghgh I'm sorry I dropped all of this on you, I know I'm really makin' a terrible first-- I mean I know we've been watching each other across the dash for a while but I'm still worried, you know??

[brcakablc-mind]

I think what sucks the most is that I'm noticing I'm starting to hurt physically more again (and not just from using myself as a chew toy because it almost never feels safe to be honest about how I'm feeling online and I'm going back to not really wanting to eat because I feel some type of way (usually angry, guilty, or both) and all I've really wanted to do lately is sleep and I.

Don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I want to get along with people. I want to help people. I... currently feel like it's... getting harder to do that.

I don't know. Everything sucks. I want to be social but it's... not worth the everything else.