The boy who never cried wolf
Hello,
I have to write because Iām heating up with poisonous helium and in limbo between flying into the nothingness of space and the darkness of buried ground. I hope someone can advise me as Iām about to write things I have never told anyone.Ā
Iāve hit a life-bump in the road and my car is dying. As said by the Opportunity roverĀ āMy batteries are low and itās getting darkā. Dizziness has been on the menu for a few days now, bad dizziness, I struggle to focus as the room spins like the chocolate factory meets wonderland, although the only wonder here is when the pins and needles of my brain will quiet down. The doctor gave me anti-psychotics to help, bold move, and they have succeeded in making me sleepy whilst the food struggles to stay down. Imagine over 100 hours of non-stop sickness as every head movement causes the room to spin 45* and counting. It could be stress, it could be distress, Iām not sure but it makes the dopamine cry.Ā
Unfortunately Iām not so good at crying, potentially due to being a male and growing up with a male-dominated family, potentially due to crying a lot as a kid and realising I had to man-up and the pendulum swung too far. When I was considering suicide just over a year ago, crying felt like a door I had slid past 5 miles ago and there was no climbing back up to itās beautifully cathartic release of energy. Thank God the anti-depressants helped, and thank God in real life Iām quite an optimistic joyful fella. I struggle to hold sympathy for those who become a victim to their own suffering, at least those who see themselves as a victim full stop. Even if the world is falling on your poor head, hold up the sky for a moment and smile before you crumble into the floor to show yourself you are more than a place-mat. Iām not saying thatās right or wrong.Ā
Iāve been through a lot of mental torture in the past 10 years, mainly as my body has proven ineffective to channel cortisol correctly, and unfortunately it has built up and blown out in many organs of my body and mind. When I was 12 that was mainly chest pains and heart ache, which turned into depression, which then included chronic fatigue syndrome, which then included horrible stomach aches that made you feel like you were about to throw up any second and know you have to hold that smile when the woman cleaning your apartment appears angry as she fruitlessly scrubbed the non-existent stain off your cooker. Well guess what? I conquered the chest pains and heart ache, and I managed the depression, and I even crushed the chronic fatigue syndrome through 100ā²s of hours of planning my battlefront day by day, adding an extra spoon of energy to my arsenal once a month by playing the game with it. The stomach pains are no more. But now the dizziness? Iām sick and giving up.Ā
Momentum of hope is built, only for a new demon to open itās mouth at the finish line. Every time I impress myself to build everything up again, because I have never rolled over, it all comes crashing down at my feet. Like a sandcastle that cannot stay up no matter what defensive precautions I take. Even when I was standing on that 6th story ledge convinced I was going to jump, I knew I could just
doĀ
it
tomorrow.
But today, how can I go on, my studies are taking a hit and so is my career progress and my creative drive. I need help and I donāt know what to do, counsellors and therapists I cannot afford or they scare me being so vulnerable. Iāve found new tactics every-time but this enemy is finally holding my arms down and spitting acid down my throat that I canāt stop choking on. Everytime I fight back and make him weaker and smaller, he just hides away and comes back stronger than before. Please help, Iāve ran out of advances. I never cried wolf when he attacked because I was too scared of the bear behind him, well now the bear is running full speed towards me and I canāt think of anyone, anything, or any mindset thatās going to pull me through this. The room is spinning as I type and I need to sleep somehow.